OMG, I'm actually using this?
Yes, yes I am. I'm losing (at least in my head) my last place of free speech- facebook. There have been some problems at church, and suffice to say to appease people I'm toning myself down. Not a lot, not even moderately, but it's still infringing on the last place I had to be me.
So I'm coming back here, although nearly no one reads this, and writing for myself just isn't as... satisfying.
I recently got turned down.. and it hurts. Not only am I not used to asking people out, I'm definitely not used to being turned down when I do. Shocking, right? But it's more than that. We're absolutely perfect for eachother, minus that who "spark" thing. Who needs that anyway? I suppose it's because I'm incredibly lonely (oh, no, here she goes AGAIN), but I just don't get why we wouldn't work. I've had feelings for a while now, so to just kind of.. lose them isn't helping my already incredibly low self-esteem.
Besides all this, I've realised that my dad hasn't given me a compliment on how I look in over a year. He ALWAYS just points out my flaws. I never notice it, either, until I'm away from the house not even thinking about it. Then it hits me like a brick wall. I cried on the way to school yesterday. WTF. Thanks, Dad, for boosting your daughter's confidence levels.
Also, because of today's Women in American Society class, I now know why I'm taken seriously as a person, but never desired as a woman. I'm overweight, and men aren't threatened by fat chicks. No joke, this is seriously the reason. My prof's mother was the only woman in her Philosophy dept in college. She was also incredibly hot and very well-endowed. No one paid attention to her, and all of the men avoided her (eye contact, everything). So she got depressed, which is to be expected, and she started eating. Well, she put on 100 pounds. But, all of a sudden, none of the men were afraid to look at her anymore. They invited her to coffee and generally listened to what she had to say. She figured out the correlation just like I did.
So what do I pick? What do I do? I feel like complete crap now, but that just makes me confused. I want to be taken seriously as a person, but I also desperately desire to be seen as girlfriend material. I hate you, society, especially you men. Stop it with these mixed signals.
On top of all of THAT, I had a dream about -HIM-. My subconscious was lying to my best friend about it, too. My conscious knew it, but couldn't stop it. So I woke up feeling incredibly hurt and depressed, and it just went on from there.
I also won't have money to buy anyone Christmas gifts, let alone pay RENT, and that's killing me. I feel terrible.
I'm lonely. I'm oppressed. I'm desperate. I just want... freedom in nearly every sense of the word.
So I'm coming back here, although nearly no one reads this, and writing for myself just isn't as... satisfying.
I recently got turned down.. and it hurts. Not only am I not used to asking people out, I'm definitely not used to being turned down when I do. Shocking, right? But it's more than that. We're absolutely perfect for eachother, minus that who "spark" thing. Who needs that anyway? I suppose it's because I'm incredibly lonely (oh, no, here she goes AGAIN), but I just don't get why we wouldn't work. I've had feelings for a while now, so to just kind of.. lose them isn't helping my already incredibly low self-esteem.
Besides all this, I've realised that my dad hasn't given me a compliment on how I look in over a year. He ALWAYS just points out my flaws. I never notice it, either, until I'm away from the house not even thinking about it. Then it hits me like a brick wall. I cried on the way to school yesterday. WTF. Thanks, Dad, for boosting your daughter's confidence levels.
Also, because of today's Women in American Society class, I now know why I'm taken seriously as a person, but never desired as a woman. I'm overweight, and men aren't threatened by fat chicks. No joke, this is seriously the reason. My prof's mother was the only woman in her Philosophy dept in college. She was also incredibly hot and very well-endowed. No one paid attention to her, and all of the men avoided her (eye contact, everything). So she got depressed, which is to be expected, and she started eating. Well, she put on 100 pounds. But, all of a sudden, none of the men were afraid to look at her anymore. They invited her to coffee and generally listened to what she had to say. She figured out the correlation just like I did.
So what do I pick? What do I do? I feel like complete crap now, but that just makes me confused. I want to be taken seriously as a person, but I also desperately desire to be seen as girlfriend material. I hate you, society, especially you men. Stop it with these mixed signals.
On top of all of THAT, I had a dream about -HIM-. My subconscious was lying to my best friend about it, too. My conscious knew it, but couldn't stop it. So I woke up feeling incredibly hurt and depressed, and it just went on from there.
I also won't have money to buy anyone Christmas gifts, let alone pay RENT, and that's killing me. I feel terrible.
I'm lonely. I'm oppressed. I'm desperate. I just want... freedom in nearly every sense of the word.