Fic: It's Only Funny Until It Happens to You [Gen]

[jade_dragoness]

*looks at clock* Okay... and we're past midnight. New fic!

Title: It’s Only Funny Until it Happens to You
Author: J.D. aka jade_dragoness
Rating: General; Humor
Pairing: None
Spoilers: Up to ‘Changes’
Summary: When Harry was resurrected he picked up a nasty case of virginity.
Word Count: 670
Disclaimer: Never ever will be mine. *sadness*
A/N: Based on the cliche_bingo Card Slot #18 - Virginity. Thank you beachkid for the beta!
Feedback is hugely welcomed.
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I hate my life. I hate my life so hard.

Okay, technically I don’t hate my life. I’m very, very fond of breathing. It’s a hobby I like way too much to give up. I’d tried that and I hadn‘t liked it at all. But right now? I was seriously considering throwing my magic at the ground to get the earth to swallow me up.

It would be easier to deal with than this.

“Okay, seriously, I know that I don’t have a rampant love life, but under no circumstances do I qualify as a virgin,” I protested. I hadn’t been once since I was sixteen years old!

The Wardens that stood around me were stifling smiles, and I even caught the occasional muffled giggle. Ramirez had completely lost it and was on the ground holding his stomach, wheezing for breath. He clearly didn’t mind that he was getting covered in dirt. He had leaves in his hair from where he’d rolled around the forest floor when I finally learned why I had been invited to this shindig.

It wasn’t fair. He was supposed to be virgin Warden here, not me, dammit!

Captain Luccio sighed. Then she explained.

“Under normal circumstances, I would agree that you aren’t a virgin. But since you were resurrected, that‘s no longer the case, Warden Dresden,” said Luccio, calmly. She didn’t really look at me as she spoke. There was a reason for that. One that involved her getting influenced into developing a relationship with me by means of a black magic compulsion. Even though it happened a couple of years ago, it still hurt to know that she had difficulty looking at me. But that’s one of the horrors about mind magic. It leaves lingering wounds in the victim that can take decades to fade, if they ever do. And she’d been one of the few who had felt that evil touch the deepest. It had made her kill someone she was sworn to protect, and had cost her a dear friend.

Luccio continued: “Whatever being or power that brought you back to life did more than just wipe away your status as the Winter Knight. It restored your life energy and purified your body at the same time, allowing you to qualify as a virgin for the necessities of this ritual.”

“I‘ve been revirginized,” I said flatly. I got more giggles from the Wardens, and Ramirez was practically turning blue. I ignored him. “Oh goody. I guess I will be able to wear white at my wedding, just like I always wanted.”

The Wardens who’d been resisting the urge to laugh up to this point lost the fight. Even the corners of Luccio’s mouth were twitching up, making the cute dimples in her cheeks appear.

Great. I was being laughed at by my boss and fellow Wardens. Let me reiterate: I hate my life.

“Do the ritual, Warden Dresden,” Luccio said with an amused headshake. She smiled at me. I considered it a win.

“Yes, Captain,” I sighed. I gave Ramirez a firm poke in the gut with end of my staff. “You do know you‘re helping, right? Get a grip and get up.”

Ramirez abruptly stopped laughing as all the Wardens gave him interested looks. As Luccio had explained when I got here, only a virginal wizard or a wizard with a lot of power on par with a Senior Council member could do the protection ritual that would cover the particular corner of forest that the Wardens a had picked out for the meeting of all the signatories of the Unseelie Accords. The protection ritual was a big deal, I knew there was no way I wasn’t going to wiggle out of doing it, but hey, there was no reason I had to do it alone. Luccio had already outted me. And now I was going to make Ramirez help.

I smirked as Ramirez blushed as the Wardens caught on to the implications of what I’d just said.

Vengeance was mine.

End

a/n: Oh Harry, this is how karma strikes back.