Private - Moving on
I haven't been in the mood to write for a long time now, haven't been back to lj until today. I don't know why since I still don't feel like writing. But maybe I should, so I will.
I haven't been online, not because I'm busy, although I am, but because I was distancing myself again. Last month... I told Ke--Ichijouji that we were done for good. Over. The end. Fin. I don't know how I managed it... it almost felt like I was disconnected from it, that it was someone else telling him to leave. And he did; he left just like all the times before. It's what he's good at.
After that, I was out of school for a week. I broke down, again. Just crawled into bed and pretended I was dead. The first two days, Mom thought I was sick so she left me alone. On the third day she started to get worried, tried to talk me into going to the hospital. I ignored her. The fourth day Grandpa came in, picked me up, and walked me to the bathroom. Then he dumped me in the tub and turned on the cold water. Great wake up call, that.
Most of Friday was spent with Shiraishi. She gave me the option of going back to weekly or keeping with the new biweekly sessions. I picked biweekly; I'm sick of letting people down. If she thinks I'm getting better then I have to believe that. No matter how hard that proves to be.
Two, three years... all down the drain...
It's not all bad, though. Grandpa and I are actually talking now, like real conversations. I guess he saw something during my breakdown that changed his mind about me. He's really trying...
I started teaching at the dojo again. I have the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday beginner classes in the evening and then I help run the intermediate class on Saturday mornings. I'm also studying with Grandpa by myself. It's very intense--we've been using live steel instead of practice swords.
I'm not teaching out of the goodness of my heart, though. We worked out a deal: Grandpa's giving me the money to pay for my tattoo removal and I pay him back by working in the dojo. Had my first session on the 26th, September. Ironic that you pay them when it hurts so much. It takes a long too, individual sessions and the overall span of sessions. The next one isn't until the 31st. I wish it didn't take so long. I want this tattoo gone as soon as possible. I'm not leaving any more reminders.
I think I'm done for today. I'm not really here and it shows. I think I'll call Noriko. One person lost, two persons gained...
I haven't been online, not because I'm busy, although I am, but because I was distancing myself again. Last month... I told Ke--Ichijouji that we were done for good. Over. The end. Fin. I don't know how I managed it... it almost felt like I was disconnected from it, that it was someone else telling him to leave. And he did; he left just like all the times before. It's what he's good at.
After that, I was out of school for a week. I broke down, again. Just crawled into bed and pretended I was dead. The first two days, Mom thought I was sick so she left me alone. On the third day she started to get worried, tried to talk me into going to the hospital. I ignored her. The fourth day Grandpa came in, picked me up, and walked me to the bathroom. Then he dumped me in the tub and turned on the cold water. Great wake up call, that.
Most of Friday was spent with Shiraishi. She gave me the option of going back to weekly or keeping with the new biweekly sessions. I picked biweekly; I'm sick of letting people down. If she thinks I'm getting better then I have to believe that. No matter how hard that proves to be.
Two, three years... all down the drain...
It's not all bad, though. Grandpa and I are actually talking now, like real conversations. I guess he saw something during my breakdown that changed his mind about me. He's really trying...
I started teaching at the dojo again. I have the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday beginner classes in the evening and then I help run the intermediate class on Saturday mornings. I'm also studying with Grandpa by myself. It's very intense--we've been using live steel instead of practice swords.
I'm not teaching out of the goodness of my heart, though. We worked out a deal: Grandpa's giving me the money to pay for my tattoo removal and I pay him back by working in the dojo. Had my first session on the 26th, September. Ironic that you pay them when it hurts so much. It takes a long too, individual sessions and the overall span of sessions. The next one isn't until the 31st. I wish it didn't take so long. I want this tattoo gone as soon as possible. I'm not leaving any more reminders.
I think I'm done for today. I'm not really here and it shows. I think I'll call Noriko. One person lost, two persons gained...