thoughts in thrifted notes
i really wanna travel. i want to go to greece more than anything. but i dont wanna go for a week and be a tourist. i wanna take it for all its worth, actually live there. go with nothing but money and a grenglish dictionary and hope for the best. i think thatd be the greatest thing ever. or go to england. they speak english...thats one obstacle down. everyone says its a small world right? so why does it feel like it will take a herculean effort to get outta here?
im scared of alot of things lately. i dont ever wanna leave school in fear that i'll actually have to grow up at some point. to me, im still a kid. i'm 20 years old, and as old as that sounds to me, i dont feel it. i love being a kid, or at least immature, and as soon as i graduate its gonna be completely unacceptable to do the things i do now. or do i just think that? once school is over, i wont have some of my best friends next door to run to when i need them, or pound on the wall when im bored. it just wont be there. it makes me sad knowing that has to end. but thats really just part of growing up. if i could book a ticket to neverland right now, id seriously consider it. me and pete would party.
and then im scared of death. i cant help it but i end up thinking about it night after night. i start off thinking about my future and graduating, getting a job, getting married, having kids....and then what? i work for the rest of my life and then i die? it sounds morbid and ridiculous but lets be serious...its kinda true. and then it freaks me out that i could seriously die at any given time without notice. and if that happened, would i be ok with the life i've lived? i dont think i would. i have so much i want to accomplish and even though i dont think i do now, i might have alot to offer to the world. and i dont wanna leave it yet. so death, dont come knocking on my door any time soon. i'm not ready.
i love school. i love everything about it. it makes me wonder why i took it for granted my first year. but without freshman year i wouldnt be the jade i am today. i learned alot of what to do and more of what not to do. and the more i think about it, the more i appreciate the mistakes i made. how would i ever know better now? thank you to every one of you who may or may not have taught me a lesson. from the stupid experiences to the lost friendships, you made me who i am. and i'm pretty content with myself. so i owe you. i'll buy you a coke some day. i often think about those people that were there in 2004-5. and then i compare it to now. and there is only one person i've kept in touch with over the years and thats jason. its so weird for me to even really say that because 2 years ago i never thought that would be the case. but im starting to see now that he really is a good person. i cant judge him on how i met him because i was a totally different person then too. we've both completely changed for what seems like the better and im glad i know him now. jason, if by some chance you ever happen to read this, thank you. you've taught me more than you know.
i wonder when ill get married. right now it feels like it's moons away. but i might like it that way. i definitely dont want kids any time soon. eventually maybe one or two. but absolutely not in the next few years. i like my life wayyyy too much to do that to myself. im too selfish for kids right now. so marriage? maybe i should get a boyfriend first...that'd be a real good start. as much as i want and like the idea of having a boyfriend, i dont wanna settle...i never do. it has to be absolutely ideal or i wont go for it. i've known that about myself for quite some time but i'm still having trouble deciding whether thats a problem or a good thing. i think i'll know once i fall in love. and now the song from sleepless in seattle is stuck in my head. damn you celine.
summer is too far away.
im scared of alot of things lately. i dont ever wanna leave school in fear that i'll actually have to grow up at some point. to me, im still a kid. i'm 20 years old, and as old as that sounds to me, i dont feel it. i love being a kid, or at least immature, and as soon as i graduate its gonna be completely unacceptable to do the things i do now. or do i just think that? once school is over, i wont have some of my best friends next door to run to when i need them, or pound on the wall when im bored. it just wont be there. it makes me sad knowing that has to end. but thats really just part of growing up. if i could book a ticket to neverland right now, id seriously consider it. me and pete would party.
and then im scared of death. i cant help it but i end up thinking about it night after night. i start off thinking about my future and graduating, getting a job, getting married, having kids....and then what? i work for the rest of my life and then i die? it sounds morbid and ridiculous but lets be serious...its kinda true. and then it freaks me out that i could seriously die at any given time without notice. and if that happened, would i be ok with the life i've lived? i dont think i would. i have so much i want to accomplish and even though i dont think i do now, i might have alot to offer to the world. and i dont wanna leave it yet. so death, dont come knocking on my door any time soon. i'm not ready.
i love school. i love everything about it. it makes me wonder why i took it for granted my first year. but without freshman year i wouldnt be the jade i am today. i learned alot of what to do and more of what not to do. and the more i think about it, the more i appreciate the mistakes i made. how would i ever know better now? thank you to every one of you who may or may not have taught me a lesson. from the stupid experiences to the lost friendships, you made me who i am. and i'm pretty content with myself. so i owe you. i'll buy you a coke some day. i often think about those people that were there in 2004-5. and then i compare it to now. and there is only one person i've kept in touch with over the years and thats jason. its so weird for me to even really say that because 2 years ago i never thought that would be the case. but im starting to see now that he really is a good person. i cant judge him on how i met him because i was a totally different person then too. we've both completely changed for what seems like the better and im glad i know him now. jason, if by some chance you ever happen to read this, thank you. you've taught me more than you know.
i wonder when ill get married. right now it feels like it's moons away. but i might like it that way. i definitely dont want kids any time soon. eventually maybe one or two. but absolutely not in the next few years. i like my life wayyyy too much to do that to myself. im too selfish for kids right now. so marriage? maybe i should get a boyfriend first...that'd be a real good start. as much as i want and like the idea of having a boyfriend, i dont wanna settle...i never do. it has to be absolutely ideal or i wont go for it. i've known that about myself for quite some time but i'm still having trouble deciding whether thats a problem or a good thing. i think i'll know once i fall in love. and now the song from sleepless in seattle is stuck in my head. damn you celine.
summer is too far away.