(no subject)

[jade_a_lade]

so i've been having these bouts of existentialism alot lately. i've been taking a look at my overall life picture and im discontent. i've just been realizing that i'm not in the right place. i can't spread my wings here ya know? theres nothing offered to me here and i hate knowing that my life is so liminal. i'm starting to reflect more often, and the more i do that, the more i see that im desperate. im desperate to take life for everything that its worth and this shitty city that im living in is like a cockblock to my sex life with the world. and not even just my location, i mean obviously my mistakes in school will have impact, but its the combination of both. environment makes a big dent on my continuous mood. so when im home, im stuck in in this sub-par shit town, hoping i wont have to dodge bullets on the way to my front door. and work isnt nearly what i would call an escape because randolph sucks just as much as brockton. shaws wouldnt be so bad if it wasnt plaqued with crack fiends and ignorant douchebag customers. of course anywhere i go will have some version of both, but at least give me a prettier setting so when i wanna throw fists at the next retarded shmo, i can have something to look forward to. and then we have dartmouth. which really isnt so bad, just lacking excitement. route 6 is about as lifelike as it gets down there. but id pick school over brockton any day. im happy. dont get me wrong. but there are adjustments i'd love to make. as soon as i get grades straightened out and have myself at a safer academic state, i can make some decisions. theres no doubt in my mind that i want to move after i graduate. california has it all. so id at least like to live there for a year or so. the only things i could see potentially stopping me are money and the inability to leave all my friends and family behind. but go big or go home right? if i'm gonna move, i'm gonna do it right. and then theres boston. bostons sensible, and fantastic, and i could definitely make my living, but who knows if i could live there. i just dont know and i guess thats ok. right now, i'm just trying to be as carefree as possible, taking my chances as they come.

"all growth is a leap in the dark. a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience." - henry miller