So sorrry Honey.jacquiSeptember 3 2009, 10:31:34 UTC
Oh Sweetheart, If only you knew how often I think of you. I always think I'm soooo empathic but it took losing my Mother to even come close to understanding what you must be experiencing. I think I would want to leave the planet if Scott left. I'm just so sorry honey.
There was this period where I so wanted to hear from you, to get in touch with you, but now, more than a year and a half after my Mom has passed I Cab barely listen to my messages. No way can I return the calls if they're in any way personal. I was really worried about you and now I understand what a burden that worrying must have been to you. Grieving takes as long as it takes and when it shakes your life up as much as it has yours, and in my own way, mine, friends are given the opportunity to love and hang in there with you, or show you their true colors. Sad though that no matter how sensitive a person can be that they really do have to walk in your shoes in order to even brush past an understanding of how much you must be suffering and feeling.
I BEGGED my Mom to come to me in my dreams. It was all I asked her for in the end. Maybe that has something to do with it. But, even though at first it can be comforting, at some times it becomes overwhelming and way too much, the being with them, only to wake up, realize they are gone all over again, and get hit with that feeling, the realization that no matter how they may continue to exist, in whatever form they take, they aren't here, right here and now, the way they used to be, and your life is forever altered. It can be pretty shocking. I actually had to ask her out loud to give me a few days off, which is so wildly out of character for me, given that this was all I had dreamed of, staying in touch with her through dreams, finding some way to keep in contact with her, so I asked for this, and she immediately disappeared, then after a few days I missed her so desperately I started weeping and begged her out loud to come back, and then she did. My Dad came back too. I'm sure that when you're ready, if you ask Pete out loud and give yourselves some time to connect, that he will come. I hope it will bring you comfort.
I haven't talked to Monique since the funeral. Does it get any worse than that? I feel terrible, but I honestly haven't spoken to a single friend, it takes everything in me just to get through the hell of a day. The only reason I've had any friendships beyond Beau, Scott, Esther, Concha and their family, is because if I don't go over there, (They live on my block), they'll come over here and get me. My friend Susan, who I love and miss, tried to do the same thing, but she rang the bell just as I was getting undressed to make love with Scott, there was no way I was going to pass up on this since I had been promising and denying him for so long, and it takes us both so much to both be in the same place and mood at the same time. I had just taken everything off and didn't realize I was standing upstairs by the window and the next thing I knew someone was at the door, I didn't know who it was, I looked out, realized how exposed I was, ducked, and then Esther came and knocked at the door and I swear I said, "Ummmm... Esther can you tell her I can't come down because we're having sex." TMI? What else could I have said. I wanted to be honest. But more embarassing than that little episode, is the fact that I've never picked up the phone to explain.
Hugs and Kisses back to you my favorite diarist/artist, Jacqui
PS: Do you know how much I treasure your two portraits you so kindly made and gave me. I love them so much. They make me happy and they've added so much to my self esteem. XOXOXOXO
There was this period where I so wanted to hear from you, to get in touch with you, but now, more than a year and a half after my Mom has passed I Cab barely listen to my messages. No way can I return the calls if they're in any way personal. I was really worried about you and now I understand what a burden that worrying must have been to you. Grieving takes as long as it takes and when it shakes your life up as much as it has yours, and in my own way, mine, friends are given the opportunity to love and hang in there with you, or show you their true colors. Sad though that no matter how sensitive a person can be that they really do have to walk in your shoes in order to even brush past an understanding of how much you must be suffering and feeling.
I BEGGED my Mom to come to me in my dreams. It was all I asked her for in the end. Maybe that has something to do with it. But, even though at first it can be comforting, at some times it becomes overwhelming and way too much, the being with them, only to wake up, realize they are gone all over again, and get hit with that feeling, the realization that no matter how they may continue to exist, in whatever form they take, they aren't here, right here and now, the way they used to be, and your life is forever altered. It can be pretty shocking. I actually had to ask her out loud to give me a few days off, which is so wildly out of character for me, given that this was all I had dreamed of, staying in touch with her through dreams, finding some way to keep in contact with her, so I asked for this, and she immediately disappeared, then after a few days I missed her so desperately I started weeping and begged her out loud to come back, and then she did. My Dad came back too. I'm sure that when you're ready, if you ask Pete out loud and give yourselves some time to connect, that he will come. I hope it will bring you comfort.
I haven't talked to Monique since the funeral. Does it get any worse than that? I feel terrible, but I honestly haven't spoken to a single friend, it takes everything in me just to get through the hell of a day. The only reason I've had any friendships beyond Beau, Scott, Esther, Concha and their family, is because if I don't go over there, (They live on my block), they'll come over here and get me. My friend Susan, who I love and miss, tried to do the same thing, but she rang the bell just as I was getting undressed to make love with Scott, there was no way I was going to pass up on this since I had been promising and denying him for so long, and it takes us both so much to both be in the same place and mood at the same time. I had just taken everything off and didn't realize I was standing upstairs by the window and the next thing I knew someone was at the door, I didn't know who it was, I looked out, realized how exposed I was, ducked, and then Esther came and knocked at the door and I swear I said, "Ummmm... Esther can you tell her I can't come down because we're having sex." TMI? What else could I have said. I wanted to be honest. But more embarassing than that little episode, is the fact that I've never picked up the phone to explain.
Hugs and Kisses back to you my favorite diarist/artist,
Jacqui
PS: Do you know how much I treasure your two portraits you so kindly made and gave me. I love them so much. They make me happy and they've added so much to my self esteem. XOXOXOXO
Reply
Leave a comment