jealousy.
so i've decided.
my life is a joke. a huge, complicated, twisted joke.
God must have an insane sense of humor. forreal.
i just don't understand myself sometimes. and like,
my mind. and my heart. and where they see eye to
eye. and where they collide horrifically. for example?
right now. and damn, i hate guys. ergh. i just don't
even know where i am with anyone anymore. haha,
i'm so pathetic. i decided this journal makes me a
four year old or something. i'm always " my life sucks,
buy me cookies, poor me." eww, what a stupid dork.
anyway, this weekend was immensely good / awful.
the first night was absolutely rediculous and i adored
it haha, flooding the bathroom and eating pizza and
jumping on beds and calling people we didn't know.
then saturday i was semi`miserable with jealousy
and probably just a lot of exhaustion, until i took a nap.
then adoration that night was incredible. like. woww.
i prayed with my dad, and that was amazing. he even
apologized for being so stubborn about everything and
i don't know, it was just really good. and i just felt my
faith come to life for the first time in so long. and i mean
like .. WOW. it was crazy burning. and i lovedd it <3
it was an amazing night for gifts, too. i was able to talk
to a lot of people and pray over a ton of people in a lot
of ways, and i got the gift of crying [ shocking, i know. ]
anndd the gift of laughter, which i love hhaa. of course
clare and i got it at the same time, which made it a little
more comical, i guess. i think the most shocking part of
it all, though, was that i got tongues. i was totally and
completely not expecting that, which is probably why i
got it, but i was thrilled. it's so amazing to think that i can
just pray so fervently in a language i don't even know.
it just makes praying over people and for people so much
more of a powerful experience for me now, and i'm
hoping i use it well. anyway, so that was my amazing night.
okay, so i'm on this superhuge God`high, and we go back
to the hotel, where we spend the entire night chilling in the
hallway and talking. except for the first hour, where i sat in
the hotel room and cried all by myself because i'm a pathetic
and hypocrital attention whore. i really can't even be upset,
because i've been doing my own thing , too. but GOD, it hurt.
and ergh, i just don't understand anything, especially myself.
so now i have to hang out with devin tomorrow and there's
going to be talking. and i thought i was fine, but i'm pretty sure
i was wrong. therefore, there's going to be more breaking of
jackie's heart tomorrow. i can hardly wait.
i guess better now than later, though. i just think it's amazing
that i told him i don't want to be together right now, and yet i
somehow let myself stay vulnerable and stuipd enough to let
him screw with my life and mess up my heart once again.
it just doesn't stop, does it? i just set myself up for heartache
again and again with that kid. i don't know why i do it, either.
but whatever. i need to focus on my faith right now, not boys.
attleboro starts friday and i want to be on fire for it, and if i stay
where i'm at right now, i'm going to sit there in an emo mess
for the weekend, and i can't let that happen. anyway, all of this
stuff is stuff i should be offering up and not let hold me back
from God. in fact, i want it to strengthen my relationship with him
and bring me closer to him than ever. i'm breaking down these
effing walls inside of me, whether i like it or not. plus, i should
be thankful for how much amazingness i have in my life and not
be brought down by the few things that i am actually whining about.
alright, that probably satisfies my venting spurt for the day. i'm
trying to cut back on complaining to people, because i realized
the other day that it only brings them down with me, and that
isn't necessary at all. i want them to be as happy as possible,
and me crying about stupid stuff isn't going to get them there.
so i'm off for the night. but if anyone really does read this, then i
might as well throw it out there ; prayers are super appreciated.
i`m empty, lonely and accused
[ accused without a word ]
my fingernails are chipping down
from clawing in the dirt.
i'm so lost [ lost and confused ]
and i threw it all away.
how can i be beautiful
when i am so afraid ... ?! <3
my life is a joke. a huge, complicated, twisted joke.
God must have an insane sense of humor. forreal.
i just don't understand myself sometimes. and like,
my mind. and my heart. and where they see eye to
eye. and where they collide horrifically. for example?
right now. and damn, i hate guys. ergh. i just don't
even know where i am with anyone anymore. haha,
i'm so pathetic. i decided this journal makes me a
four year old or something. i'm always " my life sucks,
buy me cookies, poor me." eww, what a stupid dork.
anyway, this weekend was immensely good / awful.
the first night was absolutely rediculous and i adored
it haha, flooding the bathroom and eating pizza and
jumping on beds and calling people we didn't know.
then saturday i was semi`miserable with jealousy
and probably just a lot of exhaustion, until i took a nap.
then adoration that night was incredible. like. woww.
i prayed with my dad, and that was amazing. he even
apologized for being so stubborn about everything and
i don't know, it was just really good. and i just felt my
faith come to life for the first time in so long. and i mean
like .. WOW. it was crazy burning. and i lovedd it <3
it was an amazing night for gifts, too. i was able to talk
to a lot of people and pray over a ton of people in a lot
of ways, and i got the gift of crying [ shocking, i know. ]
anndd the gift of laughter, which i love hhaa. of course
clare and i got it at the same time, which made it a little
more comical, i guess. i think the most shocking part of
it all, though, was that i got tongues. i was totally and
completely not expecting that, which is probably why i
got it, but i was thrilled. it's so amazing to think that i can
just pray so fervently in a language i don't even know.
it just makes praying over people and for people so much
more of a powerful experience for me now, and i'm
hoping i use it well. anyway, so that was my amazing night.
okay, so i'm on this superhuge God`high, and we go back
to the hotel, where we spend the entire night chilling in the
hallway and talking. except for the first hour, where i sat in
the hotel room and cried all by myself because i'm a pathetic
and hypocrital attention whore. i really can't even be upset,
because i've been doing my own thing , too. but GOD, it hurt.
and ergh, i just don't understand anything, especially myself.
so now i have to hang out with devin tomorrow and there's
going to be talking. and i thought i was fine, but i'm pretty sure
i was wrong. therefore, there's going to be more breaking of
jackie's heart tomorrow. i can hardly wait.
i guess better now than later, though. i just think it's amazing
that i told him i don't want to be together right now, and yet i
somehow let myself stay vulnerable and stuipd enough to let
him screw with my life and mess up my heart once again.
it just doesn't stop, does it? i just set myself up for heartache
again and again with that kid. i don't know why i do it, either.
but whatever. i need to focus on my faith right now, not boys.
attleboro starts friday and i want to be on fire for it, and if i stay
where i'm at right now, i'm going to sit there in an emo mess
for the weekend, and i can't let that happen. anyway, all of this
stuff is stuff i should be offering up and not let hold me back
from God. in fact, i want it to strengthen my relationship with him
and bring me closer to him than ever. i'm breaking down these
effing walls inside of me, whether i like it or not. plus, i should
be thankful for how much amazingness i have in my life and not
be brought down by the few things that i am actually whining about.
alright, that probably satisfies my venting spurt for the day. i'm
trying to cut back on complaining to people, because i realized
the other day that it only brings them down with me, and that
isn't necessary at all. i want them to be as happy as possible,
and me crying about stupid stuff isn't going to get them there.
so i'm off for the night. but if anyone really does read this, then i
might as well throw it out there ; prayers are super appreciated.
i`m empty, lonely and accused
[ accused without a word ]
my fingernails are chipping down
from clawing in the dirt.
i'm so lost [ lost and confused ]
and i threw it all away.
how can i be beautiful
when i am so afraid ... ?! <3