disaster.
ohgosh, it's been a really long time since i've written in this.
which was a good thing, honestly ;; if i'm writing an entry,
it means things aren't good. note to self :: avoid livejournal.
these past two weeks have been a living hell for me.
i could not wait to get back to campus, to the freedom
that i had first semester and the friends that i'd made
in the fall. it's been so different though. my online classes
are insanely frustrating and stressful, and my mind is in
a million places so i'm putting no focus on a&p, which is
literally crucial for my entire future. no pressure or anything.
i think the stress of doing online class stuff constantly is
keeping me from working out, and i've put on enough weight
that i've effectively returned to hardcore hating myself. i was
so happy first semester that i'd finally gotten out of that rut
after such a long time, but it's back and worse than ever.
then there's relationships. i hate when people like me and
i don't like them back. i hate hurting people, literally more
than anything in the entire world. i'd rather have my heart
broken daily than break a heart once. knowing what i'm putting
people through makes me feel like such a terrible person ..
& especially when i decide that i can't control my feelings and
that they just run rampant, messing with my heart and my
head. like this nick thing. apparently he's back with bri. i've
wanted him to move on and be happy since the day i broke up
with him, and i haven't had feelings for him since.
so why did i cry myself to sleep both nights since i found out
about them? why does the thought of him make me nauseus?
i'm worried about him and what he's doing in his life. that's been
my excuse. i just don't know, really, why i'm so upset about it.
i feel like relationship drama is just taking over campus this
semester, and everyone is miserable about something. it's
impressively depressing, and i wish that i could help more.
like this kath and brian // chris thing. she's clearly not going to
leave chris ever, but the fact that she's upset kills me. i wish
that i could do something to help, but my mind goes blank
whenever she needs help and i just feel like a useless excuse
for a best friend. or whatever. i don't know.
this is the longest i've bitched about anything in a while. i feel
infinitely more pathetic for it than i was expecting i would, but
hey, it's got to be done. my faith has been a joke and a half, so
i really hope i can pick that back up, at least a little bit.
not only will that make me feel better about the faith guilt, i'm
hoping it will also help me see the positives in other things,
since i'm obviously not doing so well seeing them myself.
moral of the story ::
- i'm throwing my education down the drain.
- i've suddenly hit the obesity line & i could
no questions asked kill myself for it.
- my heart & my head either hate each other
or became a tag team to fuck with my stomach.
- i feel like i'm socially destroyed and can't keep
friends // unworthy of best friendship.
- my faith is a disaster and needs to be fixed.
- i guess that's it for now.
so i'll start to pretend i'm okay,
but you should know by now that
my life is smoke & mirrors ;;
the one thing is crystal clear --
that i'm the one wishing i was
someone else [ anyone else ] tonight. <3
which was a good thing, honestly ;; if i'm writing an entry,
it means things aren't good. note to self :: avoid livejournal.
these past two weeks have been a living hell for me.
i could not wait to get back to campus, to the freedom
that i had first semester and the friends that i'd made
in the fall. it's been so different though. my online classes
are insanely frustrating and stressful, and my mind is in
a million places so i'm putting no focus on a&p, which is
literally crucial for my entire future. no pressure or anything.
i think the stress of doing online class stuff constantly is
keeping me from working out, and i've put on enough weight
that i've effectively returned to hardcore hating myself. i was
so happy first semester that i'd finally gotten out of that rut
after such a long time, but it's back and worse than ever.
then there's relationships. i hate when people like me and
i don't like them back. i hate hurting people, literally more
than anything in the entire world. i'd rather have my heart
broken daily than break a heart once. knowing what i'm putting
people through makes me feel like such a terrible person ..
& especially when i decide that i can't control my feelings and
that they just run rampant, messing with my heart and my
head. like this nick thing. apparently he's back with bri. i've
wanted him to move on and be happy since the day i broke up
with him, and i haven't had feelings for him since.
so why did i cry myself to sleep both nights since i found out
about them? why does the thought of him make me nauseus?
i'm worried about him and what he's doing in his life. that's been
my excuse. i just don't know, really, why i'm so upset about it.
i feel like relationship drama is just taking over campus this
semester, and everyone is miserable about something. it's
impressively depressing, and i wish that i could help more.
like this kath and brian // chris thing. she's clearly not going to
leave chris ever, but the fact that she's upset kills me. i wish
that i could do something to help, but my mind goes blank
whenever she needs help and i just feel like a useless excuse
for a best friend. or whatever. i don't know.
this is the longest i've bitched about anything in a while. i feel
infinitely more pathetic for it than i was expecting i would, but
hey, it's got to be done. my faith has been a joke and a half, so
i really hope i can pick that back up, at least a little bit.
not only will that make me feel better about the faith guilt, i'm
hoping it will also help me see the positives in other things,
since i'm obviously not doing so well seeing them myself.
moral of the story ::
- i'm throwing my education down the drain.
- i've suddenly hit the obesity line & i could
no questions asked kill myself for it.
- my heart & my head either hate each other
or became a tag team to fuck with my stomach.
- i feel like i'm socially destroyed and can't keep
friends // unworthy of best friendship.
- my faith is a disaster and needs to be fixed.
- i guess that's it for now.
so i'll start to pretend i'm okay,
but you should know by now that
my life is smoke & mirrors ;;
the one thing is crystal clear --
that i'm the one wishing i was
someone else [ anyone else ] tonight. <3