Found a box of sharp objects, what a beautiful thing.
It's funny in a way how a song or a word or a quote or something so simple can bring back so many memories. Good and bad. Some make you cry. Some make you laugh. Some make you smile. Some make you sad. Some make you happy. Example One: "Until The Day I Die" by Story Of The Year. Or "The Reason" by Hoobastank. "We Belong Together" by Mariah Carey. "Slow Song" by Senses Fail. "I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life" by Greenday. Five songs that I just can't let myself listen to anymore. Too many memories. In The Notebook, he says "It's normal not to forget your first love." It's true. I've fallen in love a couple of times and it's amazing each time. I'll never forget my first love, though; it's impossible. Those songs I mentioned will always bring back those Justin memories. There's just so many. In a way, they make me sad. But I'm not going to get into that right now. Example Two: "BYOB" by System of a Down. Beginning of the summer memories. Party memories. Example Three: "Quiet Storm" by Mobb Deep. "Date Rape" by Sublime. "Why Don't You Get A Job" by The Offspring. Happy memories, that sometimes make me sad. Missing the old days, when Kelly would pick up me and Ashley at like 10pm and we'd drive around and listen to music and talk and just be the girls. Example Four: "You and Me" by Lifehouse. Another song I just can't listen to. Angry memories. Well, happy ones that make me angry now. Mike memories. Before he fucked up my life. I guess, though, that I'm glad I went out with him, in a way. If I hadn't, I would have stayed with Justin all summer, and I wouldn't have become so close with Andrew and all the Woonsocket kids. If I had stayed with Justin all summer, by the time he left I would have been so heartbroken and upset. I don't know if I would have had it in me to meet... Example Five: "Stick With You" by the Pussycat Dolls. "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada. A couple songs that I listen to a lot lately. All the Jamie memories. They don't make me sad at all. They're the kind of memories that just make me smile all day or feel generally good. They make me realize what I have right in front of me. I've got an amazing boyfriend that cares about me and loves me for who I am. I've got the best of friends who would do anything for me and I would return that favor anytime. I've got a great job that I enjoy doing. I've got all these people that I can depend on. I love it. I love Jamie. And he always wants me to tell him how I feel. Sometimes I just don't want to. I used to be so open about how I felt and everytime, it blew up in my face. He can say that it won't blow up in my face this time, and I trust that, but I still don't trust myself opening up myself anymore. I hide my feelings more now than I ever have. And for a while I didn't really know why. I know, part of it is because I'm horrible at explaining things, to myself or to anyone else. But I figured out... I know exactly how I feel about Jamie. I love him.. I really do. And that's why I'm so afraid of telling him everything that goes on in my head. Because I've loved and opened up and like I said - it blew up in my face. That's the last thing I would ever want for Jamie and me. He makes me smile more than I have been able to smile since June. When he's happy, I am. When he's sad, or upset, so am I. I never really know what to say. I never really have anything to say. When I'm with him I'm just genuinely happy. I don't get butterflies. I don't get nervous. I just smile. A lot. I can't help it. We have so much fun together. We can pick on eachother and make fun of eachother and know that it's not going to start anything because we both know we're just kidding around. Emily and Derek have been going out for about 9 months. And I always used to just look at them and their relationship and think that they have exactly what I have always wanted. They can spend time together without having to do anything sexual. They can sit there and smoke and drink and party and just be together and have fun. They beat eachother up and make fun of eachother and always know eachother is just joking around. That's love. Love isn't sex or always being like "oh my god, I love you, I miss you, you're amazing.." etc. Although all that stuff is good and fun. But I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting that Emily & Derek kind of thing. Corey & Topanga kind of thing. I can pick on Jamie and he can pick on me and we both know we're kidding. We can just hang out and cuddle and just chill out. We can have normal talks that don't involve all the sappy stuff. I mean, I am a sucker for sweettalk, but there's a line where it's just too much. I've been in relationships where all the sappy stuff got carried away and took over everything else in the relationship - to the point where it overwhelmed me and I just couldn't take it anymore. But I don't see that happening with me and Jamie. He's got it all right. He doesn't overwhelm me with cute words but he doesn't deprive me of them either. It's like.. perfect. I love spending my time with him. Sometimes I sit and I think about how much I miss him and how much I love him and care about him. And then there's other times where I find myself being all anxious just to sit on my couch and watch a movie with him. Or like today. I was talking to Abby about smoking a blunt with her and Jamie today in school. I was all excited and I planned everything all out in my head. 20 bag, Wet Mango & Purple Haze blunts, me, Jamie, Abby, Ashley, Tony[?]. I can't wait for things like that. Just gonna sit and smoke and chill out. I can't wait for that. I can't wait to see him again and hug him again. And I can't wait to just sit and chill with him again. Jamie.. I love you.
Don't read all that if you don't want to.
It's long.
xo.