YUGO: "be bold. be strong."
kicked jen in the crotch! score!
Haha oh man, I'm so frustrated that I'm back on Livejournal. I secretly hate journaling cause it takes a lot out of me to journal and get all my thoughts organized. But I guess it's healthy to get your thoughts organized once in awhile. And whenever I start a journal entry, I get a little crazy and make it crazy long. But my sister forced me to journal about this, and I know that it'll be good that I do. Sooooo here goes. Man, I don't even have my thoughts organized. Rambling time!
So for the first half of my summer, it was alright. I was basically taking classes for most of the day, most of the week. I would hang out with a few friends here and there, but really I've just been really lethargic and wanted to stay home a lot. I guess the last school year ended kind of roughly, so I just wanted to rest and take a break away from everything.
But what I really want to journal about is this year's Yugo trip. Basically, going into the Yugo trip was really tough for me. Very few of you know what has happened to me and my family in the past few months. I practically lost all my faith and just completely gave up on God. I didn't believe that he existed, I didn't trust anyone, and I really had a negative and cynical outlook on life. I was pretty messed up for a long time. I'm not saying that everything has changed. I couldn't decide whether I should have gone on the Yugo trip or not, because our purpose there is to serve God, teach the gospel, and save lives. And if I didn't believe, it would be completely hypocritical for me to go down to Mexico, teach the children, and except them to love God. Yet I felt like I was being called to go on this trip, and yeah, I did have a heart to serve the children. Maybe just not in so much of a spiritual way. I wanted to go, because I remember how much my relationship with God strengthened after last year's trip. So I guess I went with hopes of finding God again, and essentially you know, finding myself again. So I did not enter this missions trip with exactly the right intentions, but they were good intentions nonetheless.
This was my first year leading a children's group. The first-years in my group were Cassandra and Pheebs (you guys rock!). Leading the group really wasn't that difficult. I was okay with making the script, rehearsing, and all that technical stuff. It was just the spiritual part that wasn't there. Does that make sense? I thought too much about making the script good and how the skit would play out, but I didn't really think about how the kids would receive the message and apply it to their own lives.
I remember last year, I was counting down the days to Yugo and I was so excited I wanted to tear my pants off. Well not literally. But seriously, I was so eager. This year was more of a calm, regular feeling. I wasn't really excited until the morning we would leave. We left Fremont on Saturday, July 14th. I was in Anh's car with Bryant, Michael, Otis, Jen, and Eachan. I really loved our car. I'm really glad that I ended up with these people. They are a real encouragement. Yeah, we had issues with poking fun at each other, but ultimately, they are some of the best brothers and sisters I think I will ever come to meet--whether they know it or not. We drove down to Irvine and had the super delicious super fantastic super awesome dinner at Brent Jones's parents house. Man, I love his parents. They are so loving and caring, and their house is comfortable. I always feel at peace there. It was a great time to bond with everyone that I didn't know, especially the freshmen.
We stayed in Irvine that night, woke up the next morning and went to Saddleback church. The message was about God's way vs. the world's way. Of course the world's way is the easier route to take, but God's way is the direction we should all head. As hard as it is. This message didn't really speak to me until later on in the trip.
Then we headed over to Mexico. As we neared the border, I started to recognize a lot of the areas, and memories from last year's trip just rushed through my mind. Even then, my intentions were still focused on myself. I was there to change my life, and maybe a little bit of the kids' lives. As we crossed the border, it was like a whole new world. I remember looking out the windows and seeing all the tightly packed shacks on the hills. And I remember thinking like, "Man, that blows." But that's it.
We reached the campsite, and it was really exciting. You know, being there again, remembering all the good times that I had there. The first day is always exciting. We set up our tents, got our things settled down, and chilled out for the rest of the day. It was nice. There were only 3 churches this year again, a small group. But I kind of like it that way, it allows more room for mingling and more time to get to know each other.
I remember last year I didn't really take time out to get to know the other people at the campsite, but this year I decided that it would be different. By the end of the week, I was friends with the people from the other churches and the staff/interns. That actually made it even harder to leave. Hahaha, but I love them so much. They are so amazing. I hope we see them again sometime! I meeeeeeeees dem.
Monday, we went back to Templo de Peniel. Man, I missed that place so much. I didn't even realize until we actually got there. Some of the kids remembered me, some didn't. But it was still amazing to see their faces again. Some of the kids that were there last year didn't even show up throughout the whole week, which was disappointing. I really would have liked to see them again. I felt like there were less kids this year, and that was in a way, discouraging.
The routine and schedule was practically the same thing as last year. Everything was pretty much the same. It had its small differences here and there, but nothing super significant, you know?
Even so, this trip was far more amazing than last year's. Wow, this year just really hit me from like every direction. What really hit me the most was Leonard Janson's chapel messages and just seeing how God works in everyone and everything around me. I'm not sure how to really share my experiences in Mexico this year without explaining what happened to me these past few months, but I will try my best. Let's just combine all of the crazy things that happened in one, and let's call it "the incident". Hahaha. That's so pathetic. I mean great. So like I said, I was extremely infuriated with God when I entered this trip. Everything was going wrong, and I didn't understand way. I just couldn't wrap my finger around it. I thought, if God is such a loving God, why would he let all these things happen? It really did not make sense to me. Man, I had such a burning anger on the inside, and I didn't even realize it.
The night we got there, Irene was having a really intense headache, and all of us tried our best to help her out. I informed the nurse and everything, but the headaches really didn't go away. And that's when I realized that yeah, Satan does not want us to be there. I mean, being down there is a spiritual battlefield, and Satan will do anything to get in the way of it, ya know? And Irene is an amazing girl, and I knew that she would make a significant difference in some of these kids' lives. And for her to suffer from such intense pains the day before we go to the church, it was just like, man. That night I had a talk with some of the girls in my tent about life and stuff. And I tried to avoid the subject about "the incident", but eventually it did come up. And I really just broke down. Yeah, I did cry almost every night about it, but I think that I have avoided actually thinking about it for so long, that that night, it just really hurt. I went to find Jen, and we had a long talk about the unfairness of life and what I should do next. It was just really hard. And I thought, man, Satan might be messing with me too. At around 3am, I went out and walked to the top of hill and looked down on Mexico. It was so peaceful, so beautiful. The simplicity of Tijuana is just amazing. I felt a sense of peace, but I don't know how to describe it. But I started to think that like, you know what, maybe God is really there. Some things are way too beautiful. I still had a ton of questions, but I felt okay. I thought, yeah, it's gonna be okay. I went back into the tent, and laid there for awhile. I thought everyone had fallen asleep, but then Cassandra randomly says something to me. She said that she's there for me if I need her. I was just like, wow. You know? Haha. Barely slept that night.
On the first day, Leonard talked about how arrogance and pride can get in the way of God using you to your full potential, and how it prevents you from really seeing God. I thought about it, and yeah, sometimes I do have a problem with pride. I do have a low-self esteem, but that's only sometimes. In some aspects of my life, pride really dominates. And I never really noticed that--or at least never wanted to admit--that pride was an issue for me. That really spoke to me. We always had quiet time after the message, and I would journal about everything. Looking at my journal entry now, I'm reading about how I began to realize that I have too cold and too stiff of a heart to love and accept people/things for who/what they are. I realized that I would listen to people's problems, but I didn't care about them as much as I made it seem. I was too selfish to realize that yeah, even though their problems seemed ridiculous compared to what I was going through, my brothers and sisters were still suffering, and I really should care. But for some reason, I didn't. And I felt so disgusted with myself. I shouldn't even have compared our problems to begin with.
Coincidentally, the next day's message about about how God puts us through these trials to destroy everything that holds us back. In my case, I really just thought that my problem is my closed heart and pride. In a way, I was being selfish by feeling sorry for myself and not taking anyone else's problems into account. I started to wonder if God put me through all these trials to help break down my "utopian" perspective on life and make me realize that okay, so there is suffering in the world, and yeah, it can happen to me. Maybe he put me through these problems to draw me closer to him. Ironically though, "the incident" is what really pushed me away from God. So yeah, I was so confused and had so many questions. And I still do. Buuut even so, after this message, I found it so much easier to love everyone and everything around me. I found it so much easier to appreciate everything and to have an open heart to what God has in store for me. And man, did God show me a lot that week. Man.
Slowly, my relationship with God was strengthening again. It's easier for me to trust God when I witness him work in other people around me, but I never took the time to understand how God was working in me. It never occurred to me that it was important to notice.
The worship was amazing as well. Hannah Ford led worship, and the songs that she chose to play really spoke to me. Usually during worship, yeah I sing the words, and yeah, sometimes I mean it. But this time, I really did mean it. On a deeper level. I sang to God. Not to myself. I cried and I rejoiced and I praised. I really felt God's presence this trip, ya know? It was so crazy. Yessss. I loved it.
There was a point in time where Nicole and I were dealing with same problems, and we met up in the tent one afternoon and just really talked it out. It was the middle of the week, and we were really exhausted and were facing some problems with focus. We admitted that we were focusing on the wrong things and there were lives out there that we could make a difference in. And yet, we are focusing on things other than God. And we so bad, we felt so guilty. But it was so hard. This brings me back to the message we had the first Sunday, about God's way vs. the world's way. The world's way is truly easier. And it really helped me understand what the speaker was talking about that day. We pushed our way through the week, trying as hard as we could to focus on God and loving the children. I think we did alright, with God's help.
There were so many other things that were shown to me that week that I won't talk about, but man, I just really felt God's existence. Before, it was like, yeah, God's real. But now, I truly understand that he's like, real. I have never realized how important, how big, and how powerful God is. He's usually just scheduled into my week of Fridays and Sundays (and occasionally some times in between), but no, God is so big. God is amazing. No wonder people have their lives revolved around God. I mean, it only makes sense. Even if I did come to this realization, I don't think I am even close to comprehending the greatness of Him. Man, it's so crazy.
Aside from my problems and my shaky (but growing) relationship with God, I learned a lot about humans. The people in Mexico that we saw had nothing. Nothing materialistic that is. They were all dirty, wore the same outfits everyday, and it was just really heart-breaking to see. Yet when we worship, it was the Mexicans that were crying out to God in joy and genuinely loving God. I've never met such a large group of genuine people ever. It is so hard to find people like them in the Bay Area. It's so crazy to think about, how all of these Mexican kids can praise God with such joy, when they have nothing? Sure, we Bay Area kids praise God, but we rarely show as much love as them. But then I thought, in a way, they are richer than us. They have a lot of the things that we should want to have, but don't. For example, they have happiness, love, pureness. What do we have? Big houses, luxury cars, iPods? Yeah, sure, we're way happier than them. We're better off than them. Hell no.
Growing up in the Bay Area seriously blinds you and shelters you from all that is something else. You learn to never step outside the box, never step outside your comfort zone, and ultimately, you learn selfishness. A really serious case of it. All these unnecessary, excessive luxuries create this unhealthy drive for always wanting the more modern, the more advanced, materialistic things. It creates this sense of constant, unshakable dissatisfaction within us spoiled humans. But down in Mexico, they do not have these luxuries or such a convenient lifestyle, but they seem 10x happier. I admire them so much. Being pulled out of my comfort zone for the second time, it really hit me that this going on this trip was a good course of action to take, because it brought me to the realization that I am a spoiled little brat. Truly.
Haha, I remember when a few of us went to search for candy on the streeeets of TJ. Man, it was so ghetto. I felt so bad, because the stores were so small, and so cramped. Haha Michael and I were so afraid. Well, maybe only Michael. Hahahah just keeeeding Michael. But yeah, we went into this one internet cafe, and it looked like a bunch of really oldschool PCs jammed into the corner of a storage room. I was like, man, this is so pathetic. Most of us Bay Area-ers have one, if not more, computers in our own house. And it's just really ridiculous to think about. And when I came home, my parents picked me up in our new Lexus. It has all these really luxurious functions, and just sitting in the car made me want to hurl. Literally. I was like, geez. Geez.
In Mexico, I felt at one with my soul. In the Bay Area, I always felt a sense of loneliness and emptiness, but I never really understood why. I had more than enough close friends, a crazy caring family, and all these unnecessary materialistic possessions. I felt so lonely. And it really hit me that I felt lonely because I didn't have myself. Does that make sense? I just felt so far away from myself, like I was just living my life without really understanding why I was living my life that way. I'm really not sure how to explain it. But in Mexico, I felt whole. I felt like I was able to get in touch with my emotions and thoughts, and I was able to check myself when I knew I was doing something wrong. It was easier to talk to the people around me, it was easier to talk to God, and it was easier to really look at my life from the inside out. I feel like in Fremont, I don't really think about anything serious because it's boring. I could be checking Facebook or Myspace (Haha). In Mexico, we can't check Facebook or Myspace! It gives me so much time to be with myself and God. Being back in the Bay Area, I am already feeling that slip a little bit. There are so many distractions here and unnecessary things. People are looking for satisfaction and happiness through tangible things, but truly, I have never felt so peaceful and joyful as when I was in Mexico, contemplating about life and reason.
It was so sad to leave Mexico. I wasn't ready to leave. I felt like I was almost there. Like if we had stayed a week longer, I would really be able to understand a lot more and be able to apply it to my life. I wish I could say that this trip changed my life forever, but I fear so much that I will lose a lot of these realizations and go back to living the gross, piggish life that I was living before. And I'm trying my best to hold on to all this, but I won't be able to do it alone. And that's where God comes in! Hallelujah! Haha. I hated Friday. I hate leaving all of them. You never know how they are doing during the one year that you're not with them, and it sucks. I wish we could have stayed longer. I knew I was going to miss the genuine community and loving environment there. And I do! :( Man.
When we were leaving Mexico the Saturday morning, we passed by all those houses again. All those small, one-room, cheap houses cramped together on the hill. And this time I had a different feeling about them. My heart just really broke, and I just really wanted to reach out. I really realized that there is so much suffering outside of where I live, outside of myself. And I just felt really guilty. How can one be so happy in the Bay Area while knowing of all the suffering that is taking place in everywhere in the world? I feel so disgusted and heartless whenever I rejoice over new clothes or anything else ridiculous like that. Recently, I've just been feeling extremely guilty when I feel the least bit happy. What am I doing for the less fortunate? Nooooothing.
Coincidentally (but not, cause I know it's God doing), the message on Sunday really focused on the issues I was dealing with at that time. It was Newsong Church in Irvine. Man, the message was so moving. The speaker said that he really wanted to make us feel bad about ourselves, and one of the guys said that he hopes the message ruins us forever. And I think in a way, it did. He talked about how we are so selfish and how we don't reach out to the poor. God loves the poor and the unfortunate so much, and if we are all made in God's image, why aren't we the same way? He said something about how every bum you see on the streets is someone's child. Is God's child. Is your brother or sister, whether they are Christian or not. And it really made my heart break to think about all the times I have neglected homeless people on the street, or even when I felt scared that they would harm me. I felt so disgusted with my cowardly behavior and my selfishness. In fact, this whole week just made me feel really disgusted with myself. God, I'm so messed up.
On the last night at the campsite, Nicole, Cassandra, Cassie, and I went to the top of hill and really just talked about everything that has happened that week. It was really awesome, just sitting down in the middle of the night, looking at the view of Mexico, talking about God and other things. I loved it. Haha, I miss it. I really wish we could have stayed longer. I felt encouraged that all of us had breaking hearts. Hahaha, I mean we had breaking hearts because God broke them. Which is good. He made us realize a lot of things, and hopefully we will take it into account whenever we do anything. Who knew I would be happy for a breaking heart? And I thought my heart was broken beyond repair coming into this trip.
When we were back in Irvine Saturday night, we met up in one of the rooms and just debriefed from the whole week. Eddie mentioned something about how we go all the way to Mexico and serve God, when there is suffering around us in the Bay Area. That really hit me. I was like, man, yeah, how come we don't do anything in our local areas? Who ever said that only third-world countries need help? There are humans everywhere, and humans suffer the same pains, and yet we don't find it necessary to reach out in our neighborhoods. My sister was telling me last night that churches from South Korea are actually sending missionaries to America. Hahaha, that's such a weird thought. But oh man, is it necessary. I was thinking about it, and maybe Americans are the ones that really need to be helped. I mean, we have all this technology and modernized ways of living, and it is really dangerous because it really distracts us from God. I think it makes us too comfortable with our own lives. No, we shouldn't be comfortable when we are aware of all the problems in our world. It's always harder to de-teach (that's not even a word) someone something, than teaching someone something. Us, as Americans, have probably developed so much conceitedness and arrogance that it's blinding us from so much.
Just from these past two days, opportunities to help out the less fortunate came up here and there. The other night, Christina Huang came over to our house and collected clothes and toys for the people in Cambodia, where she's going for a missions trip. And last night, I was having dinner with my mom at Elephant Bar, when this woman came up to us asking for money for a motel room. I mean, I've never had any homeless people come up to me, especially in Fremont! Let alone in front of Elephant Bar! I was so excited to see her ask for money. Hahaha I think she thought I was insane. But that's okay. It was cool.
Brent said that too many "coincidences" happened on this trip for them to be coincidences. God is really working in our lives. And it's so amazing to witness. Maybe some of the things I mentioned were coincidences, but that doesn't matter. They are all still opportunities to apply what I've learned this past week.
On the drive back home to Fremont, I was just thinking about "the incident". And we were just talking about heaven and hell. I feel like I could have saved his life. I feel like I could have told him about God, but I didn't. I feel like it was my fault. I cried so much on the ride back. I felt so guilty. Just the thought of anyone in hell just really hurts. And I was thinking like, why didn't I tell him? I didn't realize the immense importance of God, and I was just lazy. I am so frickin' lazy. It's disgusting. Man, sometimes I wish I grew up in someplace like Mexico. Maybe I wouldn't be so wrapped up in my own problems. But now I know, I need to show the non-Christians around me that yeah, God is awesome. You know?
Last year's trip was amazing on a more emotional level, whereas this year it was both emotional and logical. I'm not sure if I'm choosing the right words. Last year, it was just like, oh yeah God's amazing praise God yeaaah this is so exciting whoo I love Jesus I love my church. But this year, it's like, man, God is amazing. God is huge. God really, truly exists and he is truly working in our lives. And I feel like yeah, I do have a purpose. It doesn't just stop at "Hey, I'm a Christian". But we gotta live it out! Yeeayyuhh dawg.
What I'm really frustrated about is that last year, I felt all these things but quickly forgot about them the week later. Yugo isn't supposed to be a summer camp or anything. It's not supposed to be this "spiritual refresher", you know? I really hope that I can take what I have learned and hold on to it. At least until next summer. I don't want to just forget everything.
There is so much more that I want to say, but I am getting lazy. All in all, this trip has been life changing. No, my pain and frustration did not go away in the least bit. But at least I made a little sense of it. Everything still hurts like shit, but I think I'll get by. I have God :) In a way, I feel like I have learned more from the people in Mexico than I have taught them. And I am so grateful. I hope that I can take what they have taught me, let it grow in me, and go back next summer and give them something back. I miss Mexico so much.
& i miss my bebe. uuugggggh.
here are some pictures:
(find the rest on facebook. hahaha.)
@ the jones's for the best dinner ever ever ever.
"what would you do for a klondike bar?"
irvine, cali.
check out these awesome living conditions.
me and sheila's family! i love them!!
ahhhh attack!
yeeeaah, we g's down in da tijuuuuazzz.
le boyyfrraaaan and nacho liibbbrree
yeeaayuuh them smoothie boys
after worship. jen, hannah, me, darlene, linn!
thats wsup!
early mornings. yeah, check out us soccer studs on the right.
hahahhahaha
"giiibbb meee a keeeessss"
irene, jose, me, tony!
i got in trouble right after this. oops.
ahh!
hahaha nicole's head is cut off.
thats okay, she's reppin my sweats.
cody and his collection of rabbit poo. i guess that's okay.
otis's lover!
alex, what a soccer stud.
hahaha that was exciting.
we didn't want to leave!!
crossing the border. these people walk around in the sun all day
selling stuff to make a living. man, it was so ugh. props to them. we bought some ice creams
from this one dude though. and it happened to be the best ice cream i've ever tasted!
back in america. can you tell? so excessive.
irvine spectrum shopping center. huge.
california pizza kitchen.
irvine spectrum shopping center.
me and jen are awesome.
still awesome.
the infamous red ford explorer!
WOOOSSHHHAA!
IAMDAKOTAFANNING!!!
late night house party at la casa de cass.
fun nights.