Post First Year Reflection
As I sit down on this nice day with my laptop and a fresh latte that I made I thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on my first year of teaching. As of Wednesday, I gave the last of my exams and officially finished those classes. Friday I gave the last state test that I was required to proctor and so for the next five days I have nothing to do but clean, organize, and pack my shit. The only nice thing about having the 4 days (because I plan on using my furlough day on Friday) is that while my classroom is almost all packed up, i need to make sure that the dressing rooms, theatre, shop, costumes, furniture and prop storage as well as electrics are all cleaned, organized and inventoried for central office.
Overall, thinking back on it, I actually have enjoyed (i can see your faces of shock and confusion) my first year of teaching. It hasn't gone without its bumps by any means. But when I think about returning next year I don't have the awful feeling in my stomach or the start twitching. I think the second year will be better because i have a better handle on myself and what I need to get done, and will have more students that have had me in the past and are used to my teaching style - which means less students fighting with me academically.
Sadly, I only have one issue about returning. The problem is that it is a larger issue ... and one I don't know how to resolve without running away. And while running away would never fix the issue - as it often does not - The thought of escaping my problems makes me feel all warm and tingly. I am worried that this issue will follow me into my summer break but am hoping that it won't. I'm vague for a reason ... secretly hoping that if i never talk about or face this issue it will not really exist. I know ... it has never worked before, but i am allowed to explore all options before admitting defeat.
In other news, before i leave my school talk, I had, as a last assignment, my student right personal reflections of their experiences in my class, to which i wouldn't (and didn't) read until after I had finished entering in their last grade. It was interesting to see what they thought. The class I made cry time and again said they were proud that I pushed them and for the most part gave very honest interpretations of their work in my class. They all knew what goals they had achieved and where they had fallen short. I am hoping that the class is able to take their experiences with them as they move on, but that may just be an early teacher's dream. My second class (the intro class) gave me what i expected to hear ... I didn't want to take this class, i thought you were crazy, thought acting was stupid ... but really loved this class. I actually looked forward to coming to your class. Think I might take another class, you really weren't all that crazy ... okay maybe you are .... Thanks for changing my opinion of theatre. Yay me.
My last class is the one that shocked me. They were my fun class that I could relax in, very small, very close group of girls (and TJ ... so all girls) who always talked about how much they loved my class. They all tore me a new asshole. Most of them saying I was an awful teacher, they didn't understand why they were doing bad in the class, thought I never taught well, the tests were too hard. One girl went as far to say that it made her physically sick to come to my class because she wasn't as smart as the other kids and so she knew she was going to fail from the start. Another one blamed me for her depression saying that it was unfair of me to not give her an award as she always volunteered for outside stuff and I am a horrible person. Funny enough, the one student who failed thought I was a great teacher ... said she appreciated my hard work, and the way i ran my class. That she understands why she didn't do as well and that she accepts the responsibility. I am glad that I have instilled honesty in my students and have created a relationship where they feel they can be honest with me .. doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less....
In other news, I am going to do my damn hardest to make this summer the best one ever and just full of fun. Thus far, 2009 has sucked major ass ... a friend of mine died of a brain infection, was told I might have cancer (thankfully ... i don't), demoted from one job (thankfully she was fired and I have my old position back now), took a major pay cut in the another job, was told even though I signed a contact - I may not have a job teaching next year, car died and had to buy a new one, worked countless hours and no one even noticed ... yeah ... life isn't going so great, so I want to make this summer something special.
I am thinking about taking a bunch of three day trips (since three days is about all I can take from this job at a time) and then a bunch of random day trips to do fun things. I am going to buckle down on learning French again and beef up my Spanish. I am going to spend my mornings reading outside before work and just hope that I can push myself into a positive state. I am tired of being sad and watching my life just drag on past me. I think the only thing that may prove difficult will be my lack of friends. With a few of my closer friends either being out of state for the summer or even out of the continent ... it doesn't leave me with many options. And then with some of them not being able to go out and do anything (for legal and legit reasons) it may be harder. But I am not going to let it stop me. Nope. (at least I am going to try ...)
I think with my mental state being what it is right now ... the thought of going through my quarter life crisis next year is deeply terrifying ... hahaha
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This entry has been brought to you today by paint thinner and castor oil based hair conditioner ... two wonderful things the beauty market is forgetting. :o)
Overall, thinking back on it, I actually have enjoyed (i can see your faces of shock and confusion) my first year of teaching. It hasn't gone without its bumps by any means. But when I think about returning next year I don't have the awful feeling in my stomach or the start twitching. I think the second year will be better because i have a better handle on myself and what I need to get done, and will have more students that have had me in the past and are used to my teaching style - which means less students fighting with me academically.
Sadly, I only have one issue about returning. The problem is that it is a larger issue ... and one I don't know how to resolve without running away. And while running away would never fix the issue - as it often does not - The thought of escaping my problems makes me feel all warm and tingly. I am worried that this issue will follow me into my summer break but am hoping that it won't. I'm vague for a reason ... secretly hoping that if i never talk about or face this issue it will not really exist. I know ... it has never worked before, but i am allowed to explore all options before admitting defeat.
In other news, before i leave my school talk, I had, as a last assignment, my student right personal reflections of their experiences in my class, to which i wouldn't (and didn't) read until after I had finished entering in their last grade. It was interesting to see what they thought. The class I made cry time and again said they were proud that I pushed them and for the most part gave very honest interpretations of their work in my class. They all knew what goals they had achieved and where they had fallen short. I am hoping that the class is able to take their experiences with them as they move on, but that may just be an early teacher's dream. My second class (the intro class) gave me what i expected to hear ... I didn't want to take this class, i thought you were crazy, thought acting was stupid ... but really loved this class. I actually looked forward to coming to your class. Think I might take another class, you really weren't all that crazy ... okay maybe you are .... Thanks for changing my opinion of theatre. Yay me.
My last class is the one that shocked me. They were my fun class that I could relax in, very small, very close group of girls (and TJ ... so all girls) who always talked about how much they loved my class. They all tore me a new asshole. Most of them saying I was an awful teacher, they didn't understand why they were doing bad in the class, thought I never taught well, the tests were too hard. One girl went as far to say that it made her physically sick to come to my class because she wasn't as smart as the other kids and so she knew she was going to fail from the start. Another one blamed me for her depression saying that it was unfair of me to not give her an award as she always volunteered for outside stuff and I am a horrible person. Funny enough, the one student who failed thought I was a great teacher ... said she appreciated my hard work, and the way i ran my class. That she understands why she didn't do as well and that she accepts the responsibility. I am glad that I have instilled honesty in my students and have created a relationship where they feel they can be honest with me .. doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less....
In other news, I am going to do my damn hardest to make this summer the best one ever and just full of fun. Thus far, 2009 has sucked major ass ... a friend of mine died of a brain infection, was told I might have cancer (thankfully ... i don't), demoted from one job (thankfully she was fired and I have my old position back now), took a major pay cut in the another job, was told even though I signed a contact - I may not have a job teaching next year, car died and had to buy a new one, worked countless hours and no one even noticed ... yeah ... life isn't going so great, so I want to make this summer something special.
I am thinking about taking a bunch of three day trips (since three days is about all I can take from this job at a time) and then a bunch of random day trips to do fun things. I am going to buckle down on learning French again and beef up my Spanish. I am going to spend my mornings reading outside before work and just hope that I can push myself into a positive state. I am tired of being sad and watching my life just drag on past me. I think the only thing that may prove difficult will be my lack of friends. With a few of my closer friends either being out of state for the summer or even out of the continent ... it doesn't leave me with many options. And then with some of them not being able to go out and do anything (for legal and legit reasons) it may be harder. But I am not going to let it stop me. Nope. (at least I am going to try ...)
I think with my mental state being what it is right now ... the thought of going through my quarter life crisis next year is deeply terrifying ... hahaha
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This entry has been brought to you today by paint thinner and castor oil based hair conditioner ... two wonderful things the beauty market is forgetting. :o)