(no subject)
Am I becoming too esoteric when I worry about a question like this: "Can my analyst recognize and handle a prerepresentational transference?" Whether or not I will be projecting such a thing is a separate issue.
I've been editing Ken Wilber's latest piece today, and it's at least .25 interesting, going well beyond my expectations.
Mom cried on the phone this morning as we spoke. It's now been over three weeks since I've seen her (she lives a three-minute walk from me, so this is unusual). She doesn't want me to be freaked out by how much weight she's lost, fearing that my fear will feed back to her and exacerbate her existing overwhelm. Despite this, I think I'm going to visit her this evening at ~9. I'm 30 for God's sake, and whether Mom is dying or just very very sick, it is important that I be there for her--even if she doesn't want me to be. I am concerned that I'll freak out about her degree of weight loss. I'm concerned that this image will haunt me and make it impossible to work or to sleep. I feel ashamed that I can't be what she needs right now. She needs someone to show her love, someone who doesn't need HER. Our relationship is such that the survival or security of one directly impacts that of the other. For this reason it is difficult for me to tease apart my actual concern and compassion for her from my feelings aobut how her situation will affect me. Between the conversation we had the other day (which I described in a private post) and the ongoing support of my therapist, I think I'm becoming able to discriminate more between--or at least become more conscious of the interpenetrating quality of--these two domains. Also, it's hard to feel sadness wholeheartedly when there's an ever-present danger of falling into panic. You need the reliable support of the reptile brain to have a nice clean experience of the limbic emotions.
I've been editing Ken Wilber's latest piece today, and it's at least .25 interesting, going well beyond my expectations.
Mom cried on the phone this morning as we spoke. It's now been over three weeks since I've seen her (she lives a three-minute walk from me, so this is unusual). She doesn't want me to be freaked out by how much weight she's lost, fearing that my fear will feed back to her and exacerbate her existing overwhelm. Despite this, I think I'm going to visit her this evening at ~9. I'm 30 for God's sake, and whether Mom is dying or just very very sick, it is important that I be there for her--even if she doesn't want me to be. I am concerned that I'll freak out about her degree of weight loss. I'm concerned that this image will haunt me and make it impossible to work or to sleep. I feel ashamed that I can't be what she needs right now. She needs someone to show her love, someone who doesn't need HER. Our relationship is such that the survival or security of one directly impacts that of the other. For this reason it is difficult for me to tease apart my actual concern and compassion for her from my feelings aobut how her situation will affect me. Between the conversation we had the other day (which I described in a private post) and the ongoing support of my therapist, I think I'm becoming able to discriminate more between--or at least become more conscious of the interpenetrating quality of--these two domains. Also, it's hard to feel sadness wholeheartedly when there's an ever-present danger of falling into panic. You need the reliable support of the reptile brain to have a nice clean experience of the limbic emotions.