Our trails go unmarked and unmapped and covered/ just as soon as they are crossed...
So today I added up how many semesters I should have left after this fall one, and got 5.4. Basically that means staying one extra year won't cut it, which I should have known in the first place because this whole thing I'm trying to do can take an extra year anyway. And that is with careful planning, not taking all electives at a different school for your first year.
I don't know what to do. More and more, I'm wanting to graduate on time, or at least sort of on time. For the first time, I am feeling that I will feel left behind by my friends and (if we're still together then) my boyfriend. Ali will probably graduate with the class of 2008, and Mary most certainly will, so I wouldn't have to find new people to live with, but. Still. Even so, while I may be able to do an extra year, we're talking about an extra year after the extra year, when you add in student teaching.
The problem is, not only am I eager to get out into whatever world I'm going to end up in, I've been having serious misgivings about the whole bag of concepts/expectations surrounding the grown-up "career." I don't think I want to be going to school for a career, I don't think I want a real job when I graduate. Will I really be able to spend most of my life (or at least half of it, when all is said and done), answering to someone else about my work? Will I be able to deal with standards and policies, budget cuts, government bullshit? I really don't know. I don't know if this is what I see myself doing. I really don't.
This all came about because I wanted to make certain that I wanted to spend $90 on the Praxis I test. I don't really think I do. At this point, I think I'm seriously considering dropping art education and going for my BFA in painting, period, that's it.
But at the same time I know, I just know, that I will have questions to ask from all sides, and certain people in my life might be squeamish about the fact that I want to have a livlihood without paperwork and bosses, something that is not guaranteed to provide me "success," as most of society measures it. Answering questions is always rough on me, but I may need to be strong and face up to it this time.
I found out recently that my mom sort of assumed I'd be going to grad school, probably because she thinks I am intelligent and talented enough that I just should. That makes me think about this even more, because if I decide education is for me I can go back to school.
Kids are inspiring, though, more so than I ever expected.
If I decide this, though, it means aside from mediocre program and financial barriers, I could have stayed at Lehigh. And since Doug has been home for the summer and I haven't gotten to visit, I've been missing it there. Despite the fact that I was unhappy so much and despite the fact that I've met some wonderful people here. I hate how money determines so much of...everything.
Fuck.
I'm just really confused, and I'm not sure what I should do. Or maybe I am, and that's why I feel so unsettled.
I don't know what to do. More and more, I'm wanting to graduate on time, or at least sort of on time. For the first time, I am feeling that I will feel left behind by my friends and (if we're still together then) my boyfriend. Ali will probably graduate with the class of 2008, and Mary most certainly will, so I wouldn't have to find new people to live with, but. Still. Even so, while I may be able to do an extra year, we're talking about an extra year after the extra year, when you add in student teaching.
The problem is, not only am I eager to get out into whatever world I'm going to end up in, I've been having serious misgivings about the whole bag of concepts/expectations surrounding the grown-up "career." I don't think I want to be going to school for a career, I don't think I want a real job when I graduate. Will I really be able to spend most of my life (or at least half of it, when all is said and done), answering to someone else about my work? Will I be able to deal with standards and policies, budget cuts, government bullshit? I really don't know. I don't know if this is what I see myself doing. I really don't.
This all came about because I wanted to make certain that I wanted to spend $90 on the Praxis I test. I don't really think I do. At this point, I think I'm seriously considering dropping art education and going for my BFA in painting, period, that's it.
But at the same time I know, I just know, that I will have questions to ask from all sides, and certain people in my life might be squeamish about the fact that I want to have a livlihood without paperwork and bosses, something that is not guaranteed to provide me "success," as most of society measures it. Answering questions is always rough on me, but I may need to be strong and face up to it this time.
I found out recently that my mom sort of assumed I'd be going to grad school, probably because she thinks I am intelligent and talented enough that I just should. That makes me think about this even more, because if I decide education is for me I can go back to school.
Kids are inspiring, though, more so than I ever expected.
If I decide this, though, it means aside from mediocre program and financial barriers, I could have stayed at Lehigh. And since Doug has been home for the summer and I haven't gotten to visit, I've been missing it there. Despite the fact that I was unhappy so much and despite the fact that I've met some wonderful people here. I hate how money determines so much of...everything.
Fuck.
I'm just really confused, and I'm not sure what I should do. Or maybe I am, and that's why I feel so unsettled.