THinking

[jackwhitekisses]

Me and Julie went to Evans house again today. The reason why I constantly try to get away is just what I say. I don't belong there, I am not vital to any conversation, I am just there to be there, and it would make no difference if I left, and you cant deny that. that fact alone is rather overwhelming and hard to stand at times. So I hide. Be it, in the corner of the room, or just away, but where to go when it consumes me? not home... Its not just at peoples houses, but that feeling has been so strong lately, I feel like my presence is the most unessasary thing ever. You can pretend to love me, to laugh with me, but in the end no one prefers me over anyone else, I dont stand out in any way, no one has any DESIRE to hang out with me, Im just there. You may enjoy the fact that I am there, but DO NOT say it makes a difference, because im not special in any way and I just dont belong... Screw it, Im not making sense.

Just... I now realize that I will never get what I want more then anything, no materialistic desire, but something else, and you dont even notice.

Well anyways I want to see cold mountain tonight and to stop crying. I want to take all my makeup off and scratch my eyes out, i want to break all the glass in my house until i bleed to death, I want to be special, This could be the most conceeded thing to say * and know thats not my intention because I think of myself as anything but better then anyone* but I need attention. FUCK

Dont pretend to care if I die, because you wont when it happens and youll look quite the lying fool