To the Creep/Pervert/Weirdo at Family Dollar Tuesday
Some tips for your future interactions with the general public:
-When waiting to check out or purchase something, people form what is called a “Line.” A “Line” consists of a number of people standing one in front of the other, at a comfortable and polite distance from one another, and the person in the front of the line is waited upon first, finishes their business, and leaves. The next person in the “Line” then steps up, everyone moves forward a bit, and the line progresses. A simple concept. Many people leaned this concept in kindergarten, or perhaps from their parents even earlier than that. You were obviously absent the day they taught kindergarten.
-When standing in a “Line,” the important thing to understand about the concept is that you stand BEHIND the person who is IN FRONT of you in the “Line.” This is the only way that a line can actually work. Without this concept, it would be mass confusion, people just standing in a bundle, willy-nilly, no one knowing who is next, where to stand, or what order we are all in. Mass hysteria. What they call in the vernacular a “Mongolian Cluster Fuck.” Much like the parking lot and the Deli at the Kuhn’s on Banksville. In any case, for sake of order and speediness, when in a line one stands BEHIND the one IN FRONT. Which brings me to the crux of today’s lesson:
-In order to stand BEHIND a person in line, you cannot stand DIRECTLY BESIDE the person. This is precisely what you did. You came up to the line, stood behind me briefly, and then moved right up and stood BESIDE me. EXTREMELY CLOSE to me, and DIRECTLY BESIDE me. This violates both of the important components of the “Line” concept which we’ll review right now, in case your tiny brain already lost track of them: 1. Behind and 2. At a comfortable and polite distance. Close enough to me that I feel your fetid breath on my neck and ear is neither comfortable nor polite. It is in fact likely to get you punched in the face. Luckily I manage to exert a considerable amount of self-control, though I think that a more short-tempered or homophobic man might have played you some chin music right there in the Family Dollar. I certainly considered it.
-Also, and this would not be an issue if you were able to understand the “Line” concept and stood BEHIND the person in front, it is considered impolite to stare unrelenting at someone’s face, as you did to me the entire time we were standing the “Line.” Had you in fact been BEHIND me as normal line etiquette dictates, staring at the back of the head of the person in front of you is far less intrusive, and actually quite common, much like staring at the doors of an elevator. But, this all goes completely out the window when you are standing DIRECTLY BESIDE me, and fully within my field of vision. What that means is that I am totally able to see you STARING AT MY FACE. That is considered rude in day-to-day situations, a frequent altercation-starter in some of the rougher kinds of bars, and if we’d been in the State Pen, I likely would have responded to your eye contact by breaking your arm and giving you a couple of perforations with my prison shank.
To review: Lines are best formed by a row of people one in front of another, facing forward, at a polite and comfortable distance. Standing beside someone in the line usually indicates that you are “with” them, you are checking out together, or that they are your buddy. You are not my buddy. I do not know you. You are a creep who shops in the Family Dollar in Carnegie often enough to be on a friendly first name basis with the troglodytes that work there. This alone immediately puts you firmly into the “Not My Buddy” circle on the Venn Diagram labeled “My Buddies and Associates.” In fact, your intimate relationship with the dregs of society there, coupled with the other creepy and pervy types of behavior you exhibited in the “Line” at the aforementioned establishment puts you even further over in the diagram, into the circle labeled “Creeps and Pervs Who I Would Never Associate With And Whom I’d Likely Shank If We Were In Prison.”
And so, keep these things in mind, Mr. Family-Dollar-Regular, Line-Formingly-Challenged-Weirdo, next time you roll into the local dollar store to blow some food stamps on expired condoms and motor oil, or whatever it is you buy there, as the next person you sidle up to and creep out in line might not be a rational, self-controlled human being like myself. He may be a murderous ex-con with a name like ‘Bunny’ and a sharpened toothbrush handle in his boot.
Signing off,
The J of S
-When waiting to check out or purchase something, people form what is called a “Line.” A “Line” consists of a number of people standing one in front of the other, at a comfortable and polite distance from one another, and the person in the front of the line is waited upon first, finishes their business, and leaves. The next person in the “Line” then steps up, everyone moves forward a bit, and the line progresses. A simple concept. Many people leaned this concept in kindergarten, or perhaps from their parents even earlier than that. You were obviously absent the day they taught kindergarten.
-When standing in a “Line,” the important thing to understand about the concept is that you stand BEHIND the person who is IN FRONT of you in the “Line.” This is the only way that a line can actually work. Without this concept, it would be mass confusion, people just standing in a bundle, willy-nilly, no one knowing who is next, where to stand, or what order we are all in. Mass hysteria. What they call in the vernacular a “Mongolian Cluster Fuck.” Much like the parking lot and the Deli at the Kuhn’s on Banksville. In any case, for sake of order and speediness, when in a line one stands BEHIND the one IN FRONT. Which brings me to the crux of today’s lesson:
-In order to stand BEHIND a person in line, you cannot stand DIRECTLY BESIDE the person. This is precisely what you did. You came up to the line, stood behind me briefly, and then moved right up and stood BESIDE me. EXTREMELY CLOSE to me, and DIRECTLY BESIDE me. This violates both of the important components of the “Line” concept which we’ll review right now, in case your tiny brain already lost track of them: 1. Behind and 2. At a comfortable and polite distance. Close enough to me that I feel your fetid breath on my neck and ear is neither comfortable nor polite. It is in fact likely to get you punched in the face. Luckily I manage to exert a considerable amount of self-control, though I think that a more short-tempered or homophobic man might have played you some chin music right there in the Family Dollar. I certainly considered it.
-Also, and this would not be an issue if you were able to understand the “Line” concept and stood BEHIND the person in front, it is considered impolite to stare unrelenting at someone’s face, as you did to me the entire time we were standing the “Line.” Had you in fact been BEHIND me as normal line etiquette dictates, staring at the back of the head of the person in front of you is far less intrusive, and actually quite common, much like staring at the doors of an elevator. But, this all goes completely out the window when you are standing DIRECTLY BESIDE me, and fully within my field of vision. What that means is that I am totally able to see you STARING AT MY FACE. That is considered rude in day-to-day situations, a frequent altercation-starter in some of the rougher kinds of bars, and if we’d been in the State Pen, I likely would have responded to your eye contact by breaking your arm and giving you a couple of perforations with my prison shank.
To review: Lines are best formed by a row of people one in front of another, facing forward, at a polite and comfortable distance. Standing beside someone in the line usually indicates that you are “with” them, you are checking out together, or that they are your buddy. You are not my buddy. I do not know you. You are a creep who shops in the Family Dollar in Carnegie often enough to be on a friendly first name basis with the troglodytes that work there. This alone immediately puts you firmly into the “Not My Buddy” circle on the Venn Diagram labeled “My Buddies and Associates.” In fact, your intimate relationship with the dregs of society there, coupled with the other creepy and pervy types of behavior you exhibited in the “Line” at the aforementioned establishment puts you even further over in the diagram, into the circle labeled “Creeps and Pervs Who I Would Never Associate With And Whom I’d Likely Shank If We Were In Prison.”
And so, keep these things in mind, Mr. Family-Dollar-Regular, Line-Formingly-Challenged-Weirdo, next time you roll into the local dollar store to blow some food stamps on expired condoms and motor oil, or whatever it is you buy there, as the next person you sidle up to and creep out in line might not be a rational, self-controlled human being like myself. He may be a murderous ex-con with a name like ‘Bunny’ and a sharpened toothbrush handle in his boot.
Signing off,
The J of S