I never update this shit...
The summer has been flying by, but it's been a good one. Probably the best summer I've ever had. I've met people I never would have imagined I'd meet in a hundred million years, and I've been able so spend my "free" time volunteering with Music Saves Lives which I think is such an amazing program and the people involved are so amazing. But with all good times, there are bad ones as well.
I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, wishing I had what they have, and not completely being ok with how I am. I am a good person, with a good heart, and personality, but those qualities are not good enough in this day and age. It's sad to say, but it's true. Every day and every magazine, and ever commercial and TV show is a constant reminder of what society views as "sexy" but should intelligence be "sexy?" I'm not FAT and I'm not SKINNY, I am mediocre, but nowadays perfection is wearing a size 0-2, which to me is disgusting. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with myself, but my mind has been molded like a clump of plato to see that having meat on your bones is a flaw... it's social suicide. Girls who weigh 110 pounds are easily approached by men on a daily basis. And here I am. I haven't been in a decent relationship in about 2 years. I don't know, it's just frustrating. And people wonder why I question my faith so often. It's just that, I feel like I give and do so much, but God never gives me a break.
I find myself in selfish moods a lot lately, which gets me frustrated. I want to do something that no one else I know is doing to give me a break from the people who constantly surround me, but I can't even do that. I have to share everything with everyone, and I just want to be that 3 year old child who cries when someone takes her toy away from her. I know I am ridiculous to think that way, but I just do, and I am sure it will pass over time.
Now I get to the "friend" part of this update... or lack there of. I find myself feeling the loneliest lately. I want a friend who I can call when I am down, and they call me the second they get a chance to, to ask what's wrong or try and cheer me up. Is this the selfish person inside of me speaking again? I don't think so really. I think everyone deserves that in their life, and when we don't have it, it makes each day that goes by tougher and tougher.
I've never been so happy, yet so lost and lonely all at the same time. It's like being on a rollercoaster in the dark. You don't know where you are going. You know you are going up and down, but they all blend together in the black space around you.
I am going to go to bed so I can battle my laryngitis before 2 more days of Warped Tour.
I promise you I have a heart of gold, so please don't judge me by anything I have written on here.
I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, wishing I had what they have, and not completely being ok with how I am. I am a good person, with a good heart, and personality, but those qualities are not good enough in this day and age. It's sad to say, but it's true. Every day and every magazine, and ever commercial and TV show is a constant reminder of what society views as "sexy" but should intelligence be "sexy?" I'm not FAT and I'm not SKINNY, I am mediocre, but nowadays perfection is wearing a size 0-2, which to me is disgusting. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with myself, but my mind has been molded like a clump of plato to see that having meat on your bones is a flaw... it's social suicide. Girls who weigh 110 pounds are easily approached by men on a daily basis. And here I am. I haven't been in a decent relationship in about 2 years. I don't know, it's just frustrating. And people wonder why I question my faith so often. It's just that, I feel like I give and do so much, but God never gives me a break.
I find myself in selfish moods a lot lately, which gets me frustrated. I want to do something that no one else I know is doing to give me a break from the people who constantly surround me, but I can't even do that. I have to share everything with everyone, and I just want to be that 3 year old child who cries when someone takes her toy away from her. I know I am ridiculous to think that way, but I just do, and I am sure it will pass over time.
Now I get to the "friend" part of this update... or lack there of. I find myself feeling the loneliest lately. I want a friend who I can call when I am down, and they call me the second they get a chance to, to ask what's wrong or try and cheer me up. Is this the selfish person inside of me speaking again? I don't think so really. I think everyone deserves that in their life, and when we don't have it, it makes each day that goes by tougher and tougher.
I've never been so happy, yet so lost and lonely all at the same time. It's like being on a rollercoaster in the dark. You don't know where you are going. You know you are going up and down, but they all blend together in the black space around you.
I am going to go to bed so I can battle my laryngitis before 2 more days of Warped Tour.
I promise you I have a heart of gold, so please don't judge me by anything I have written on here.