[Wade Wilson/Hal Jordan] My social skills would fit good in prison
“So, remember that time when I said something and you got angry?”
Wade was quietly singing terribly off-key - it sounded suspiciously like ‘I’m Marvel, he’s a DC but I’m still in love with Judas, baby’. Maybe he should get a hat in the shape of a telephone. Or a sombrero. Sombrero in the shape of telephone. Perfect. Then he could go to a Mexican restaurant and yell: “My good sir, you’re calling that a chimichanga?! Calling. Get it? Get it?”. Yeah. Yeah. Sounded like a plan. He should get on e-bay as soon as possible - he has to buy the platinum edition of ‘The Legion of Superheroes’ anyway. Well, call him Sally and dress him in a tutu, but Wade found that little green kid kinda cute, even though the blonde [He’s name was B… Br… Brainiolli? Well, it had something to do with broccoli, he was sure of that.] had a terrible taste, when it came to guys [Superman? Seriously? Even Wade wasn’t that desperate.]. Wade should write a book - he would call it ‘101 Ways To Offend The Object Of Your Desire [That Can Fry Your Brain Using Superpowers] And Survive: A love novel.’.
And speaking of people that would like to fry Wade’s brain…
Hal was glaring at him, eyes squinted, a disgusted look on his face. Even though he would rather eat his own tongue [Not like it never happened before.] than admit it, Deadpool knew Hal Jordan was dreamy - maybe not as dreamy as Steve Rogers, but close enough. Being around beautiful people always made Wade extremely self-conscious: he rambled non-stop, made more obnoxious comments and bad jokes - everything to avoid thinking about the scars covering his own body.
“…is that a trick question? Should I say you make me irritated every damn moment we waste together?” Hal quirked an eyebrow. “Would that satisfy you?”
Wade moved closer, resting his hands on his hips.
“Oh, man, don’t be like that! You should treasure the time you’re able to spend with me, y’know? After all, we haven’t been in the same issue since…”
No, wait, we have never been in one comic issue with Hal. We’re just getting confused, because Ryan Reynolds is playing the both of us.
Right.
And hey, recently we’ve heard this new term: One True Threesome - OT3, remember? And since Ryan is also playing Hannibal King, maybe we should…
Wade waved his hand frantically in a poor attempt to shut his little yellow boxes up. Sometimes the genius of his geniusy plans was a little too much even for him.
“Anyway: remember when I was telling you about penguins and then mentioned Bats? One thing led to another and, well, now I’m fairly sure I should kidnap his former sidekick. That one with anger issues and a name like a rapper? What was it… ‘Red’s in da Hood’… no, wait… ‘Red ‘Ho’?...”
“You want to do what?!”
“… ‘Red Hoodie Hood’?”
“Wade.”
“Fine, ‘kidnap’ is such an ugly word anyway - maybe I should say ‘wear a dirty trench coat and sit in the bushes next to his school, waiting for…’ “
Before he could say anything else, Hal clasped a hand over Wade’s mouth. He ignored his instincts [Bite him! Bite him! Or lick him, that’s also fine with us.] and decided to stay quiet for a couple of minutes. Or seconds. God, he hoped it would be the latter - he already felt like he was being silent for ages.
“Wade,” the man hissed through his teeth, glaring at the murderer. “Batman would kick your ass if you dared to touch Jason. Just… forget about that, okay?” Hal moved away, sighing with exasperation. He looked like he was one step from punching Wade in the face, and doing it hard. “Besides, even I barely tolerate you - what do you think the boy would do, become your best buddy, invite you to a sleepover to paint your nails violet and re-watch favorite ‘Twilight’ moments? You can’t be that delusional.”.
Oh. Right.
Under the mask, Wade was biting his lower lip and trying to remind himself that he should be used to people treating him like he was leprous. And, honestly, wasn’t he? He tucked on the material covering his face, getting sure that not even an inch of his scarred skin was on the display.
It’s not a big deal.
We’re awesome - we just need to make sure Hal sees that someday.
“Whaddya talkin’ about! He’s undead, I’m… maybe kind of possibly undead - we are both wearing red masks, the readers love us, because we’re anti-heroes with complicated emotions and we have hot voice actors... It will be like Pride and Prejudice. And Zombies. And Jensen Ackles. In a wig.”
Jensen Todd. See what we did there.
I’m hilarious.
We know, we love us.
The former assassin cocked his head to the side, staring intently at the man standing next to him. Hal sighed once again and rested his forehead on one of his hands, looking like he was suffering from a terrible headache.
But I love Hal more.
… once again, why are we acting like a lovesick little girl?
“Why do you want to kidnap Bruce’s son anyway?” Hal asked even though it was clear he was well aware of the fact that he won’t like the answer.
“…he could be the child I never had?”
The owner of the Lanterns' ring ring raised his eyebrows skeptically.
“Really, Wade? Really? After you took care of Logan’s kid for one hour - just one hour- the first words it said was not ‘Momma’ not ‘Dad’ but ‘Ice, ice, baby’. When Logan found out about that, he decapitated you and kept your head in a jar for a whole week. “
Well, that was uncalled for. I felt offended in the name of my collection of Vanilla Ice’s posters.
It’s not our fault people don’t appreciate good music.
“Um. Well. Child or a boyfriend? …maybe?”
Hey, don’t look at us like that, we are no strangers to fanfiction - that Bat weirdo is being paired up with his kiddos all the time and he is not as young and charming as we are.
When Wade glanced at Hal, he saw something like disappointment flickering across the man’s face - the emotion was gone in a second, replaced by disgust. “Listen, it’s not like I don’t have anything to do. Go and yap about your suicidal plans to somebody else, alright?” Hal sneered, rolling his eyes and moving away, to sit on the couch. Even though Wade couldn’t figure the reason behind the man’s tensed shoulders and the way he was clenching his fists, the assassin knew he did something terribly wrong.
I think I just fucked it up.
Abort the Epic Bromance plan. Abort the plan! Save the women and the goats!
“Oh wait, I almost forgot -nobody will listen to your ramblings, because you irritate every single person in this universe,” Hal didn’t turn around and Wade was thankful for this small miracle - he didn’t think he could stand the horrible expression that was undoubtedly present on Hal’s face.
Deadpool tried not to get hurt by the comment - Hal was from DCU, poor guy, what could he know about universes, right? Right.
After approximately two minutes of strained silence, Wade decided he couldn’t keep quiet anymore. Two minutes of silence. Two friggin’ minutes! [We should get a medal.]
“Hal?” No response. Wade sat on the couch and poked the other man in the cheek. “Hal? Greenie? Buttercup?”. Poke. Poke. Wade was afraid Hal’s jaw was going to break, he was clenching it so hard.“Sailor Jupiter? Man, I’d kill to see you in her uniform… Grinch? Green bean?”
Even though he saw the move coming, Deadpool let Hal trap his hand in a bruising grip.“What?! What do you want, Wade?”. His wrist ached but he ignored the feeling of Hal’s nails digging into the material of the red costume.
Wade’s answer was so quiet it was barely above a whisper - if he was honest with himself, he would admit he was not entirely sure if he even wanted to be heard. “He was supposed to be my sidekick, okay? The thought of having someone that’s always there for you was kind of… nice. There, laugh if you want, I don’t care.”. Wade pouted and looked away, not feeling brave enough to check Hal’s reaction. [We are such a little girl.]
He almost jumped when he felt fingers under his chin.
“You’re really don’t understand a thing, don’t you?” When Wade looked up, Hal’s mouth was set in a straight line but he the strange look from his eyes has vanished.
Wade felt a strange emotion that didn't want to go away and made him feel like his lungs were full of water. He didn't know if he should laugh or cry, so he did something that he was perfect at: he started rambling.
“If I’d say I have a lantern-shaped hole in my heart, would you hold it against…”
Wade let out a squeak [A manly groan!] when Hal suddenly put his arms around the smaller man’s body and hugged him.
We will live forever and he will not.
I know.
Sooner or later he’s going to leave us.
Wade buried his face in the other man’s neck, ignoring the disapproving sounds Hal was making. “I swear I won’t bother you for the rest of the da-alright, for another hour if you stay still,” the words were muffled, spoken into Hal’s neck. The man raised his hand and patted Wade’s head awkwardly, like he was dealing with a rabid animal. Wade wasn’t concerned by that.
He will take what he can get.
Wade was quietly singing terribly off-key - it sounded suspiciously like ‘I’m Marvel, he’s a DC but I’m still in love with Judas, baby’. Maybe he should get a hat in the shape of a telephone. Or a sombrero. Sombrero in the shape of telephone. Perfect. Then he could go to a Mexican restaurant and yell: “My good sir, you’re calling that a chimichanga?! Calling. Get it? Get it?”. Yeah. Yeah. Sounded like a plan. He should get on e-bay as soon as possible - he has to buy the platinum edition of ‘The Legion of Superheroes’ anyway. Well, call him Sally and dress him in a tutu, but Wade found that little green kid kinda cute, even though the blonde [He’s name was B… Br… Brainiolli? Well, it had something to do with broccoli, he was sure of that.] had a terrible taste, when it came to guys [Superman? Seriously? Even Wade wasn’t that desperate.]. Wade should write a book - he would call it ‘101 Ways To Offend The Object Of Your Desire [That Can Fry Your Brain Using Superpowers] And Survive: A love novel.’.
And speaking of people that would like to fry Wade’s brain…
Hal was glaring at him, eyes squinted, a disgusted look on his face. Even though he would rather eat his own tongue [Not like it never happened before.] than admit it, Deadpool knew Hal Jordan was dreamy - maybe not as dreamy as Steve Rogers, but close enough. Being around beautiful people always made Wade extremely self-conscious: he rambled non-stop, made more obnoxious comments and bad jokes - everything to avoid thinking about the scars covering his own body.
“…is that a trick question? Should I say you make me irritated every damn moment we waste together?” Hal quirked an eyebrow. “Would that satisfy you?”
Wade moved closer, resting his hands on his hips.
“Oh, man, don’t be like that! You should treasure the time you’re able to spend with me, y’know? After all, we haven’t been in the same issue since…”
No, wait, we have never been in one comic issue with Hal. We’re just getting confused, because Ryan Reynolds is playing the both of us.
Right.
And hey, recently we’ve heard this new term: One True Threesome - OT3, remember? And since Ryan is also playing Hannibal King, maybe we should…
Wade waved his hand frantically in a poor attempt to shut his little yellow boxes up. Sometimes the genius of his geniusy plans was a little too much even for him.
“Anyway: remember when I was telling you about penguins and then mentioned Bats? One thing led to another and, well, now I’m fairly sure I should kidnap his former sidekick. That one with anger issues and a name like a rapper? What was it… ‘Red’s in da Hood’… no, wait… ‘Red ‘Ho’?...”
“You want to do what?!”
“… ‘Red Hoodie Hood’?”
“Wade.”
“Fine, ‘kidnap’ is such an ugly word anyway - maybe I should say ‘wear a dirty trench coat and sit in the bushes next to his school, waiting for…’ “
Before he could say anything else, Hal clasped a hand over Wade’s mouth. He ignored his instincts [Bite him! Bite him! Or lick him, that’s also fine with us.] and decided to stay quiet for a couple of minutes. Or seconds. God, he hoped it would be the latter - he already felt like he was being silent for ages.
“Wade,” the man hissed through his teeth, glaring at the murderer. “Batman would kick your ass if you dared to touch Jason. Just… forget about that, okay?” Hal moved away, sighing with exasperation. He looked like he was one step from punching Wade in the face, and doing it hard. “Besides, even I barely tolerate you - what do you think the boy would do, become your best buddy, invite you to a sleepover to paint your nails violet and re-watch favorite ‘Twilight’ moments? You can’t be that delusional.”.
Oh. Right.
Under the mask, Wade was biting his lower lip and trying to remind himself that he should be used to people treating him like he was leprous. And, honestly, wasn’t he? He tucked on the material covering his face, getting sure that not even an inch of his scarred skin was on the display.
It’s not a big deal.
We’re awesome - we just need to make sure Hal sees that someday.
“Whaddya talkin’ about! He’s undead, I’m… maybe kind of possibly undead - we are both wearing red masks, the readers love us, because we’re anti-heroes with complicated emotions and we have hot voice actors... It will be like Pride and Prejudice. And Zombies. And Jensen Ackles. In a wig.”
Jensen Todd. See what we did there.
I’m hilarious.
We know, we love us.
The former assassin cocked his head to the side, staring intently at the man standing next to him. Hal sighed once again and rested his forehead on one of his hands, looking like he was suffering from a terrible headache.
But I love Hal more.
… once again, why are we acting like a lovesick little girl?
“Why do you want to kidnap Bruce’s son anyway?” Hal asked even though it was clear he was well aware of the fact that he won’t like the answer.
“…he could be the child I never had?”
The owner of the Lanterns' ring ring raised his eyebrows skeptically.
“Really, Wade? Really? After you took care of Logan’s kid for one hour - just one hour- the first words it said was not ‘Momma’ not ‘Dad’ but ‘Ice, ice, baby’. When Logan found out about that, he decapitated you and kept your head in a jar for a whole week. “
Well, that was uncalled for. I felt offended in the name of my collection of Vanilla Ice’s posters.
It’s not our fault people don’t appreciate good music.
“Um. Well. Child or a boyfriend? …maybe?”
Hey, don’t look at us like that, we are no strangers to fanfiction - that Bat weirdo is being paired up with his kiddos all the time and he is not as young and charming as we are.
When Wade glanced at Hal, he saw something like disappointment flickering across the man’s face - the emotion was gone in a second, replaced by disgust. “Listen, it’s not like I don’t have anything to do. Go and yap about your suicidal plans to somebody else, alright?” Hal sneered, rolling his eyes and moving away, to sit on the couch. Even though Wade couldn’t figure the reason behind the man’s tensed shoulders and the way he was clenching his fists, the assassin knew he did something terribly wrong.
I think I just fucked it up.
Abort the Epic Bromance plan. Abort the plan! Save the women and the goats!
“Oh wait, I almost forgot -nobody will listen to your ramblings, because you irritate every single person in this universe,” Hal didn’t turn around and Wade was thankful for this small miracle - he didn’t think he could stand the horrible expression that was undoubtedly present on Hal’s face.
Deadpool tried not to get hurt by the comment - Hal was from DCU, poor guy, what could he know about universes, right? Right.
After approximately two minutes of strained silence, Wade decided he couldn’t keep quiet anymore. Two minutes of silence. Two friggin’ minutes! [We should get a medal.]
“Hal?” No response. Wade sat on the couch and poked the other man in the cheek. “Hal? Greenie? Buttercup?”. Poke. Poke. Wade was afraid Hal’s jaw was going to break, he was clenching it so hard.“Sailor Jupiter? Man, I’d kill to see you in her uniform… Grinch? Green bean?”
Even though he saw the move coming, Deadpool let Hal trap his hand in a bruising grip.“What?! What do you want, Wade?”. His wrist ached but he ignored the feeling of Hal’s nails digging into the material of the red costume.
Wade’s answer was so quiet it was barely above a whisper - if he was honest with himself, he would admit he was not entirely sure if he even wanted to be heard. “He was supposed to be my sidekick, okay? The thought of having someone that’s always there for you was kind of… nice. There, laugh if you want, I don’t care.”. Wade pouted and looked away, not feeling brave enough to check Hal’s reaction. [We are such a little girl.]
He almost jumped when he felt fingers under his chin.
“You’re really don’t understand a thing, don’t you?” When Wade looked up, Hal’s mouth was set in a straight line but he the strange look from his eyes has vanished.
Wade felt a strange emotion that didn't want to go away and made him feel like his lungs were full of water. He didn't know if he should laugh or cry, so he did something that he was perfect at: he started rambling.
“If I’d say I have a lantern-shaped hole in my heart, would you hold it against…”
Wade let out a squeak [A manly groan!] when Hal suddenly put his arms around the smaller man’s body and hugged him.
We will live forever and he will not.
I know.
Sooner or later he’s going to leave us.
Wade buried his face in the other man’s neck, ignoring the disapproving sounds Hal was making. “I swear I won’t bother you for the rest of the da-alright, for another hour if you stay still,” the words were muffled, spoken into Hal’s neck. The man raised his hand and patted Wade’s head awkwardly, like he was dealing with a rabid animal. Wade wasn’t concerned by that.
He will take what he can get.