I don't know what to... Anything.
I have the strongest urge to vomit right now.
My father broke me once already. I was two weeks shy of 16 years old. We were in Florida. I found out he was a drug addict. I sat in the parking lot of a cheap motel sitting crossed legged, knee to knee with my brother while a tropical storm pour buckets of rain on us. Clutching his hands, crying so hard my chest and belly hurt for days while he told me about my dad's secret life I had known nothing about prior to that day.
I didn't get a period for three months, I was so fucked up.
I used to have dreams about driving a bat into his face, hearing the bones crunch.
I didn't know for the longest time whether I still loved him under all that rage. It took me a few years to realize I had all that rage because I loved him. I was so angry at him for choosing so poorly because I believed he was smarter than that. Better than that. I hated him for hating himself that much. Because he wasn't a weak man. He wasn't weak.
After that, I became his ashamed champion. I love him. I am ashamed of him, and for him. I will be the first to say he is fucking stupid, but I will also be the first to never talk to you again if you open your mouth about him.
Fast forward to three weeks ago when my dad's neighbor called me on the phone to tell me he thought my dad had a stroke. Yadda yadda yadda. After a two-week stay in the hospital, he was transferred to in-patient care. No stroke. Fractured neck vertebrae. Carotid artery blocked by 65%. Whoopty fucking do. What really concerns me, and gets my goat, is the fucking cerebellem degeneration.
This is why he slurs. This is why his coordination and balance is blasted. He pickled his brain and let his nourishment go so far as to fucking.. Degenerate his lower brain.
Because somewhere along the way, he turned in his drug habits for alcoholism.
So we hear this from the doctors' mouths. We hear that these symptoms may not improve. We hear, "You have to stop drinking."
Fast forward to 8 days ago. My dad was transferred to an in-patient hospital facility. I get a call a couple days later from the care coordinator there who is basically doing her job to ask if there is any family that will be able to help my dad care for himself once he is released. There's not. And then she goes on to tell me, in her delicate way, that my dad is a raving asshole and is making heinous accusations and claims to the staff and is basically a drug-seeking shit head. So I call him and ask, "How's the staff?" and he goes on for twenty minutes about how most of them are fine and good except this one nurse that thinks it's a game to make him wait for his pain meds 15 minutes or more after he's allowed to have them.
I let that pandora's box sit there unopened.
Fast forward to today. I am under the assumption that my dad will be discharged early next week. I get a call from the same lady. I am at a check out of a store, so I call her back momentarily. She informs me that my dad rolled his stupid ass in a wheel chair to the sidewalk of the street in front of their facility and when they went to get him to come in, he accused them of keeping him prisoner. Of holding him hostage. Of detaining him so they can make more money off of him. The boss of the facility had to come out and speak with him in order for him to go inside.
So they fucking discharged his ass.
The lady said, "He's free to leave as soon as your family member gets off work to pick him up." We have no family in that town.
While I am on the phone with her, my dad calls. I call him back. He says, all chipper like, "I get to go home right now if I can find a ride. I tried calling my neighbor but he has been drinking and doesn't want to drive."
No mention of the scene. Like it's a stroke of fucking luck and he's so pleased at his good fortune.
"Do you think Emily might give me a ride?"
(I just learned recently that Emily, my oldest friend in the world, suffered from sexual harrassment. FROM MY DAD.)
I find someone else to give him a ride. His lying, fucking manipulating, terrible, disgusting, useless, hateful, fucking pathetic ass got a ride because mine and my brother's good friend answered his phone on the first ring, asked what was up, heard me ask a favor, and said, "I'll be there in an hour."
I text my friend after he drops my dad off. He took my dad to the store on the way, which is why it took a bit longer than it should have. I asked if the store run was for my dad. He said yeah. I asked if he bought alcohol. He said he didn't see it, but he heard it clinking in the bag.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The rage is in control of my pancreas and stomach. It is making the bile come up my throat. It is making me want to lash out. I am so angry. I am so angry.
THE LIES ALONE.
THE STUPIDITY ALONE.
THE HARRASSMENT OF MY BEST FRIEND ALONE.
THE NASTY TREATMENT OF THE PROFESSIONALS ALONE.
THE FUCKING MANIPULATION ALONE.
THE LACK OF SELF PRESERVATION ALONE.
The betrayal alone.
All together... All together it is me giving it up. Giving him up. I think.
I think it is.
My father broke me once already. I was two weeks shy of 16 years old. We were in Florida. I found out he was a drug addict. I sat in the parking lot of a cheap motel sitting crossed legged, knee to knee with my brother while a tropical storm pour buckets of rain on us. Clutching his hands, crying so hard my chest and belly hurt for days while he told me about my dad's secret life I had known nothing about prior to that day.
I didn't get a period for three months, I was so fucked up.
I used to have dreams about driving a bat into his face, hearing the bones crunch.
I didn't know for the longest time whether I still loved him under all that rage. It took me a few years to realize I had all that rage because I loved him. I was so angry at him for choosing so poorly because I believed he was smarter than that. Better than that. I hated him for hating himself that much. Because he wasn't a weak man. He wasn't weak.
After that, I became his ashamed champion. I love him. I am ashamed of him, and for him. I will be the first to say he is fucking stupid, but I will also be the first to never talk to you again if you open your mouth about him.
Fast forward to three weeks ago when my dad's neighbor called me on the phone to tell me he thought my dad had a stroke. Yadda yadda yadda. After a two-week stay in the hospital, he was transferred to in-patient care. No stroke. Fractured neck vertebrae. Carotid artery blocked by 65%. Whoopty fucking do. What really concerns me, and gets my goat, is the fucking cerebellem degeneration.
This is why he slurs. This is why his coordination and balance is blasted. He pickled his brain and let his nourishment go so far as to fucking.. Degenerate his lower brain.
Because somewhere along the way, he turned in his drug habits for alcoholism.
So we hear this from the doctors' mouths. We hear that these symptoms may not improve. We hear, "You have to stop drinking."
Fast forward to 8 days ago. My dad was transferred to an in-patient hospital facility. I get a call a couple days later from the care coordinator there who is basically doing her job to ask if there is any family that will be able to help my dad care for himself once he is released. There's not. And then she goes on to tell me, in her delicate way, that my dad is a raving asshole and is making heinous accusations and claims to the staff and is basically a drug-seeking shit head. So I call him and ask, "How's the staff?" and he goes on for twenty minutes about how most of them are fine and good except this one nurse that thinks it's a game to make him wait for his pain meds 15 minutes or more after he's allowed to have them.
I let that pandora's box sit there unopened.
Fast forward to today. I am under the assumption that my dad will be discharged early next week. I get a call from the same lady. I am at a check out of a store, so I call her back momentarily. She informs me that my dad rolled his stupid ass in a wheel chair to the sidewalk of the street in front of their facility and when they went to get him to come in, he accused them of keeping him prisoner. Of holding him hostage. Of detaining him so they can make more money off of him. The boss of the facility had to come out and speak with him in order for him to go inside.
So they fucking discharged his ass.
The lady said, "He's free to leave as soon as your family member gets off work to pick him up." We have no family in that town.
While I am on the phone with her, my dad calls. I call him back. He says, all chipper like, "I get to go home right now if I can find a ride. I tried calling my neighbor but he has been drinking and doesn't want to drive."
No mention of the scene. Like it's a stroke of fucking luck and he's so pleased at his good fortune.
"Do you think Emily might give me a ride?"
(I just learned recently that Emily, my oldest friend in the world, suffered from sexual harrassment. FROM MY DAD.)
I find someone else to give him a ride. His lying, fucking manipulating, terrible, disgusting, useless, hateful, fucking pathetic ass got a ride because mine and my brother's good friend answered his phone on the first ring, asked what was up, heard me ask a favor, and said, "I'll be there in an hour."
I text my friend after he drops my dad off. He took my dad to the store on the way, which is why it took a bit longer than it should have. I asked if the store run was for my dad. He said yeah. I asked if he bought alcohol. He said he didn't see it, but he heard it clinking in the bag.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The rage is in control of my pancreas and stomach. It is making the bile come up my throat. It is making me want to lash out. I am so angry. I am so angry.
THE LIES ALONE.
THE STUPIDITY ALONE.
THE HARRASSMENT OF MY BEST FRIEND ALONE.
THE NASTY TREATMENT OF THE PROFESSIONALS ALONE.
THE FUCKING MANIPULATION ALONE.
THE LACK OF SELF PRESERVATION ALONE.
The betrayal alone.
All together... All together it is me giving it up. Giving him up. I think.
I think it is.