Letter
"So I'm going to write this note and I hope I actually give it to you. It's the fair thing to do, but I have to work up the guts.
I'm pretty much crying right now because after feeling like a piece of shit after you got mad at me for getting mad at you, Killian decided it was a great idea to tantrum at me the entire way home and he is still yelling at me "no momma, dadda, ball, no momma" over and over. Makes me feel fucking fantastic.
Basically, I feel like I'm not allowed to ever get upset by you or get my feelings hurt. Ever. Anytime I do, through your words or actions - not mine, you get mad at me for it. Like I'm being unreasonable. And in the end, I have to apologize to you for my feelings getting hurt. I always apologize. Even when I feel like your reaction was not fair or right or warranted, I always acknowledge that you still got hurt and I apologize for it. Whether I meant to hurt you or not, whether I understand why or not, I still fucking apologize. Because I don't want you to get hurt because of me. Ever.
You never apologize.
You explain (and only when I drag it out of you) why you feel like you feel, or why you said or thought something, but you don't apologize for my hurt feelings. Like, I was wrong to feel that way, so you aren't responsible for it and therefore are not accountable enough to apologize.
Before you get good and offended, please think about it.
I don't know why our conversations are missing the mark. Honestly, I think it's because I only operate using foresight and you operate using none.
Foresight being that I have a lot of shit on my plate and the given that I can't do it without you. Maybe it's the understanding that the "I can't do it without you" is a given. I guess I can see where that comes from... I mean shit. If something needs to be done in our family, I take care of it.
If we need groceries, I take care of it.
If we need laundry done, I take care of it.
If we need our nasty fucking toilets cleaned, I take care of it.
If the boy is off his rocker in a tantrum and needs to leave, I take care of it.
I guess I can see how it may be easy for you to fall into the assumption that I can take care of anything. But when I say: "I have to do bills and mail this box and fax this lady and oh yeah - figure out how to feed us all lunch," I kinda hope you might realize that means I need your help.
You said I didn't ask for help. OK. I'll try my best next time to make sure those words leave my lips. Fine. I can do that - it's actually not a big deal at all.
The big deal is that I said, "I didn't mean to make you mad. I can see how your morning was crazy too. I'm sorry."
And you didn't say anything back.
Driving home with that, accompanied by a screaming child, leaves me feeling like total shit.
Please don't do it again.
I love you."
I'm pretty much crying right now because after feeling like a piece of shit after you got mad at me for getting mad at you, Killian decided it was a great idea to tantrum at me the entire way home and he is still yelling at me "no momma, dadda, ball, no momma" over and over. Makes me feel fucking fantastic.
Basically, I feel like I'm not allowed to ever get upset by you or get my feelings hurt. Ever. Anytime I do, through your words or actions - not mine, you get mad at me for it. Like I'm being unreasonable. And in the end, I have to apologize to you for my feelings getting hurt. I always apologize. Even when I feel like your reaction was not fair or right or warranted, I always acknowledge that you still got hurt and I apologize for it. Whether I meant to hurt you or not, whether I understand why or not, I still fucking apologize. Because I don't want you to get hurt because of me. Ever.
You never apologize.
You explain (and only when I drag it out of you) why you feel like you feel, or why you said or thought something, but you don't apologize for my hurt feelings. Like, I was wrong to feel that way, so you aren't responsible for it and therefore are not accountable enough to apologize.
Before you get good and offended, please think about it.
I don't know why our conversations are missing the mark. Honestly, I think it's because I only operate using foresight and you operate using none.
Foresight being that I have a lot of shit on my plate and the given that I can't do it without you. Maybe it's the understanding that the "I can't do it without you" is a given. I guess I can see where that comes from... I mean shit. If something needs to be done in our family, I take care of it.
If we need groceries, I take care of it.
If we need laundry done, I take care of it.
If we need our nasty fucking toilets cleaned, I take care of it.
If the boy is off his rocker in a tantrum and needs to leave, I take care of it.
I guess I can see how it may be easy for you to fall into the assumption that I can take care of anything. But when I say: "I have to do bills and mail this box and fax this lady and oh yeah - figure out how to feed us all lunch," I kinda hope you might realize that means I need your help.
You said I didn't ask for help. OK. I'll try my best next time to make sure those words leave my lips. Fine. I can do that - it's actually not a big deal at all.
The big deal is that I said, "I didn't mean to make you mad. I can see how your morning was crazy too. I'm sorry."
And you didn't say anything back.
Driving home with that, accompanied by a screaming child, leaves me feeling like total shit.
Please don't do it again.
I love you."