give + give = abused
So many formulas in life.
Give + give = appreciated
Give + give = abused
Give + take = break even
Give + take = good friendship
Take + take = bad friend
Take + take = manipulate
How is it possible that give + give + give + give + give + GIVE + GIVE + GIVE will still fucking equal abused and taken advantage of!!??? ALL I do is give to others and all everyone does is take advantage of my generosity and kindness. Yet all I ever want to do is take the high road. But I just hate the fact that I still always keep on getting abused. So what I am supposed to do… become a bitch? Become a less considerate and caring person? Stop being nice? It just makes no sense. As much as I try and try to surround myself with better people I still am always left with nothing.
Every friend here in Tucson has done me wrong, which is fine, not everyone is perfect. But if someone does you right so to speak 100 times more than they do you wrong, then 99% of the time they are being a good friend, which is a pretty good statistic. However, it is the opposite for me. People just keep screwing me left and right and I truly do not know what I ever did to deserve it. Again, is being too nice a thing? Should I not be SO nice. I just don't understand it.
The one thing I just cannot wrap my head around is this whole idea of always being the second girl. Whenever I go out to a bar, or a business meeting, or anything where I am with another friend or two of mine, I can blow the other person out of the water with my personality and confidence, intelligence, being well cultured, YET they STILL walk away with the guy's number and are the one that is being pursued. I never am the desired one. Now I know I don't flirt and I know I don't always pursue people, but it is because I am confident with not having to have some idiot guy I barely know texting me all day. I don't enjoy that. I only like to take the time to talk to people I truly care about. I don't need some random dude telling me I'm pretty all day. Ew. All of my girl friends are so needy and obsessed over the fact that the always need to be the object of affection, so they constantly have to have 10 guys texting them at all time. I am SOOOO happy I am not insecure like that and do not need that. But it still doesn't explain why they walk away with the guy. It doesn't deplete my confidence or anything, it just makes me feel so alone.
I do not have any close friends here anymore in Tucson and I just want to move. I was supposed to move back to California this past weekend but unfortunately my job is keeping me here to rot in this city for a few more months. I am impatient and I have every right to be. I can't fucking stand it here and especially because I have nobody here that wants to be with me. And it's not that I think everything will be different in CA or that I will instantly find a bff or bf or whateverrrrr. It's just that it is a chance to START.OVER. Starting over is the best feeling in the world, as scary and as challenging as it may be. And I already got the hard part over by living in Newport Beach for almost a year. I know what it is like to live in CA. Now I just want to experience it for real this time. Make the most of it and not take it for granted. Start a new life with new people. Good people. Find the people who always make the time for you and take pleasure in your happiness in addition to their own. Those are the rare genuine people in this world. They are out there and I know this because I am one. I can truly say am the most genuine and honest person you will ever meet. I am fucking nice. And I am funny and smart, and pleasant to be around. I hate that no one can fucking see that or just don't take the time to see that.
They say money doesn't buy happiness and I am true outcome of that. I am lonely as fuck yet have all the materialistic things in the world. It definitely will be nice to have a high paying job in CA, but the only thing I really want the most is to come home to my dog and favorite person in the world every night and watch the sunset on the beach. That is what I'll think about when I am 65 years old. Or when I'm 95 and dying. That is all I want, and it doesn't cost a damn thing.
Give + give = appreciated
Give + give = abused
Give + take = break even
Give + take = good friendship
Take + take = bad friend
Take + take = manipulate
How is it possible that give + give + give + give + give + GIVE + GIVE + GIVE will still fucking equal abused and taken advantage of!!??? ALL I do is give to others and all everyone does is take advantage of my generosity and kindness. Yet all I ever want to do is take the high road. But I just hate the fact that I still always keep on getting abused. So what I am supposed to do… become a bitch? Become a less considerate and caring person? Stop being nice? It just makes no sense. As much as I try and try to surround myself with better people I still am always left with nothing.
Every friend here in Tucson has done me wrong, which is fine, not everyone is perfect. But if someone does you right so to speak 100 times more than they do you wrong, then 99% of the time they are being a good friend, which is a pretty good statistic. However, it is the opposite for me. People just keep screwing me left and right and I truly do not know what I ever did to deserve it. Again, is being too nice a thing? Should I not be SO nice. I just don't understand it.
The one thing I just cannot wrap my head around is this whole idea of always being the second girl. Whenever I go out to a bar, or a business meeting, or anything where I am with another friend or two of mine, I can blow the other person out of the water with my personality and confidence, intelligence, being well cultured, YET they STILL walk away with the guy's number and are the one that is being pursued. I never am the desired one. Now I know I don't flirt and I know I don't always pursue people, but it is because I am confident with not having to have some idiot guy I barely know texting me all day. I don't enjoy that. I only like to take the time to talk to people I truly care about. I don't need some random dude telling me I'm pretty all day. Ew. All of my girl friends are so needy and obsessed over the fact that the always need to be the object of affection, so they constantly have to have 10 guys texting them at all time. I am SOOOO happy I am not insecure like that and do not need that. But it still doesn't explain why they walk away with the guy. It doesn't deplete my confidence or anything, it just makes me feel so alone.
I do not have any close friends here anymore in Tucson and I just want to move. I was supposed to move back to California this past weekend but unfortunately my job is keeping me here to rot in this city for a few more months. I am impatient and I have every right to be. I can't fucking stand it here and especially because I have nobody here that wants to be with me. And it's not that I think everything will be different in CA or that I will instantly find a bff or bf or whateverrrrr. It's just that it is a chance to START.OVER. Starting over is the best feeling in the world, as scary and as challenging as it may be. And I already got the hard part over by living in Newport Beach for almost a year. I know what it is like to live in CA. Now I just want to experience it for real this time. Make the most of it and not take it for granted. Start a new life with new people. Good people. Find the people who always make the time for you and take pleasure in your happiness in addition to their own. Those are the rare genuine people in this world. They are out there and I know this because I am one. I can truly say am the most genuine and honest person you will ever meet. I am fucking nice. And I am funny and smart, and pleasant to be around. I hate that no one can fucking see that or just don't take the time to see that.
They say money doesn't buy happiness and I am true outcome of that. I am lonely as fuck yet have all the materialistic things in the world. It definitely will be nice to have a high paying job in CA, but the only thing I really want the most is to come home to my dog and favorite person in the world every night and watch the sunset on the beach. That is what I'll think about when I am 65 years old. Or when I'm 95 and dying. That is all I want, and it doesn't cost a damn thing.