I'm so lost...it hurts to breathe

[jacknbox]

This is ridiculous. I fell apart today. I can't take much more of this anymore. I need to talk to someone who knows what I'm feeling, before I burst. I am not happy. I'm not the girl I was last year. I frown more than ever, when I should be smiling. Ever since I've been home, I've slept, gone to church, and worked. Many of my friends are already home and I still have yet to see any of them. Seriously, I feel I am losing my grip with reality. Not sure what's coming over me anymore. I hate you for getting past this. I hate you so much for that and yet I'm still so in awe by you. My mind, heart, and soul are being pulled like a tug of war in so many directions. Sooner or later I'm going to rip into pieces. Bottled up inside are so many emotions, thoughts, stresses, and feelings that I just can't even begin to describe...to anyone. I hurt. I'm lost. I'm missing something. Someone. I need to pretend I'm happy. Smiling is my biggest costume. I'm angry. I'm jealous. I'm desperate. I don't really know how to take it anymore. Friends of mine come home and go out to eat with their parents, just the 3 of them. They eat breakfast at nice little restaurants and then go out shopping all day. They sit around the dinner table exchanging laughs and stories from their first semester at college. They rendevous with their bests from high school and enjoy each other's company. They spend quality time together, living in the moment. Me? My family is different. We were never "well off". We spend time together when we could, in between busy schedules and hectic days. We don't shop, just to shop. We can't. There are many other things that need to be taken care of first. I wake up to an empty house...the most depressing thing ever. I work more now, than I ever have. I've grown up a lot quicker than I wanted to. I attend social gatherings with my best friends' aunts, uncles, and grandparents...because it is expected of me. At school, I'm still not sure if it is my true self coming through. I compare my CCC self to my UPHS self...they are completely opposite. Something is missing. I'm so sick and tired of explaining myself to everyone when they ask me about CCC being an all girls school. YES IT IS. GET THE HECK OVER IT. I feel like I need someone here 24/7 to keep me from going absolutely insane. Christmas is a week away and I couldn't feel more OUT OF SPIRIT. If I see or hear about one more couple who are just "so in love", I might frickin' take a spoon and scrap out both my eyes. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I should have started to write this down sooner, but I couldn't pull myself away from my room to do it. I've had breakdowns this past semester. So many phone calls when I just cried my eyes out to my mommy. So many times where I just wanted to come home and pretend nothing happened. I just wanted to pretend I didn't grow up. I look around my room, at all of my belongings just bursting forth with happiness. So many fluffy and cheery teddy bears, the picture of my mommy and daddy and I on my Disney Cruise for my 5th birthday, dance recital trophies, bowling awards, pictures of all the memories, the Cherished Teddies figurines I collect all sitting there happy and beaming with cheerfulness, pictures of my best friends throughout the years all over my room, those few symbols of my Senior Year HC, the pictures to go along with, and among them the numerous pictures of the boys I dated and grew attached to over the years. And there I sit, among all the sweet little reminders of how wonderful life should be for a young lady, but I am unable to smile. Unable to show even the smallest feelings of any emotion other than that of being utterly miserable. I sit there in shock almost. Unable to feel life. It slipped away from me so long ago. I can only pretend so much. I can only say "Yes, things are wonderful right now" so many times before people just don't buy it anymore. I'm so sick of feeling like I have to prove something to you. I hate feeling like I have to prove to you that I'm getting somewhere in life, without you and your name to carry me along. I'm jealous that you've got someone by your side, "so wonderful, beautiful, and amazing", and I...well I've still got the same old teddy bear to keep me company. It kills me to see you anymore...maybe its good I keep my distance now. It tears my heart apart to hear about you two. I'm never going to be the same. I've hit rock bottom. How are you able to be so happy? How could you? Why did you do this? Why can't I get free? Why can't I help myself? I want to leave behind everything. I want to jump out of this life and be someone new. I don’t want to step foot in the past ever again, but somehow I feel like I’m trapped in there...helpless...and very alone. I know I’ve got friends and family out there who will stick by my through thick and through thin...but still...I feel like I just here to be here. Like I serve no purpose. Like I can’t make people happy anymore. Like I can’t even make myself happy anymore. Suddenly sitting by myself in my room is paradise to me. At least my imagination still works. I want to remember to remember to forget you forgot me. It all comes back to you. I can’t move forward. I am nothing. I feel nothing. I can’t stand seeing someone related to you at least twice a week...it hurts more than anything because I know that you still love them. Leaving some of my best friends behind was so hard. Seeing them make new friends and grow bonds with other people...was the hardest. College is different. I sometimes feel out of the click when I hear about everyone else’s big trips to the clubs or big parties with the whole hall...I study more in college than I ever did before. And yet, I still can’t get good enough grades to suit myself. I spoiled you. I hate myself for that. I gave you everything I had and then some...and you shoved it in my face that morning. My heart can’t be fixed. You’ll forever own it. Why do you say those same words you once said to me? You don’t know what its like. I am different. My family is different. I’ve seen a side to life you should just be thankful you never had to see. Post prom was hell. Thank you. Don’t ever say those words to my face again. You ruined it. No apologies will ever change that. I could go on forever with this. But who am I trying to kid...you’re already bored. So I’m sorry. This is me.

I'll be fine...after all..."I've seen better days"

JC8USA: you have to hit rock bottom first sometimes before things get better...believe me i have been there

Bless you...

*b