(no subject)
I am mostly happy with myself right now, which is more than I could say before. I am happy single, and will likely stay that way for some time. I am certainly not looking, but then again, I never have. Being an independent person, with probable commitment problems, I think it is important for me to cement my identity as Jess, pre-anyone else, to avoid flailing like an octopus caught in a lobster trap later on in life. Yes that simile sucked. Moving on. I think I have this irrational worry that I will never be loved, or more importantly, that I will never love someone the way, say, my parents do. They've been married for over 20 years, through thick and thin, and they love each other, and it may sound gross, but I know my dad still finds my mom attractive in that way, which says something about the institution of marriage. And I look at them, and I think, I'll never have that, not because no one will ever want me, but because I'm too much of a fucking cactus and independent freak to let myself get that deep. I feel like a submarine, when the klaxons go off I wanna jump ship. And wow am I getting maudlin. But if I can't be introspective online, where the world can see, where else can I do it? Note blatant sarcasm. I suppose worry about one's own ability to love, and to give one's self up to it, is less a worry than thinking no one will ever be capable of loving me. Though it could just be egotism. And I'm going to end now, thanks whoever made it this far through.
O yah, and I'm having a current obsession with Enya. Don't ask. She makes me feel sleepy happy.
O yah, and I'm having a current obsession with Enya. Don't ask. She makes me feel sleepy happy.