too big for my britches
this morning kristal was talking about her and martha's maybe-plans to move to hawaii. gasp.
i was soooooo utterly jealous while she was talking, it was sick. she described this life of hers that allowed for fluidity: having a partner whose ready to up and go too, being able to pack up junk and leave stuff behind, feeling free to float there and find a job without much anxiety. oh, do i wish i felt any of these things right now.
sometimes still being in philly (after 6 years) feels kind of lame to me. sometimes when i think about people who have lived here their whole lives, i.e. grew up in the burbs and are now in their early adulthood, moving to the city, i just feel bad for them (no offense to like all of my friends who grew up in the philly burbs--it's just surprising sometimes to realize so many young people here in philly are from here). like something about this region tells you that making that move a few miles into the city constitutes a life-challenging and enriching change. and maybe for some people it really does. but for me, it wouldn't--i was so anxious to move away from DC. this city is fun and cheap and a good space to get lots of things done, but it's not very naturally enriching or challenging. there aren't many spaces in this city that require me to challenge myself in a way that's meaningful, only in ways that are superficial and tired.
sometimes i want to kick myself in the head for getting involved in another serious, long-term relationship that will/has seemingly had at least a little bit of impact on the fact that I am still here. not much yet, but as time passes, and i feel like i can leave my new job, and i want to go somewhere new and interesting to grad school, i will have this ball and chain of a relationship that, while being so fulfilling in so many ways, will do nothing to persuade me that staying in this town is worth it. nico and i have already talked about the time when i will want to go to grad school which will hopefully be in the next 2 years, and how constricting his job and his interests are in terms of allowing him to move to other parts of the country or even the world. during one conversation, he got upset that i insinuated that he would never move to follow me off to school--he wanted me to know that he would, but just that it might be true that he couldn't. i'm not sure how that makes me feel. and i'm not sure i want to care about how that makes me feel.
i want to go be a student again and live on the west coast and hang out with derrick prolly too.
i was soooooo utterly jealous while she was talking, it was sick. she described this life of hers that allowed for fluidity: having a partner whose ready to up and go too, being able to pack up junk and leave stuff behind, feeling free to float there and find a job without much anxiety. oh, do i wish i felt any of these things right now.
sometimes still being in philly (after 6 years) feels kind of lame to me. sometimes when i think about people who have lived here their whole lives, i.e. grew up in the burbs and are now in their early adulthood, moving to the city, i just feel bad for them (no offense to like all of my friends who grew up in the philly burbs--it's just surprising sometimes to realize so many young people here in philly are from here). like something about this region tells you that making that move a few miles into the city constitutes a life-challenging and enriching change. and maybe for some people it really does. but for me, it wouldn't--i was so anxious to move away from DC. this city is fun and cheap and a good space to get lots of things done, but it's not very naturally enriching or challenging. there aren't many spaces in this city that require me to challenge myself in a way that's meaningful, only in ways that are superficial and tired.
sometimes i want to kick myself in the head for getting involved in another serious, long-term relationship that will/has seemingly had at least a little bit of impact on the fact that I am still here. not much yet, but as time passes, and i feel like i can leave my new job, and i want to go somewhere new and interesting to grad school, i will have this ball and chain of a relationship that, while being so fulfilling in so many ways, will do nothing to persuade me that staying in this town is worth it. nico and i have already talked about the time when i will want to go to grad school which will hopefully be in the next 2 years, and how constricting his job and his interests are in terms of allowing him to move to other parts of the country or even the world. during one conversation, he got upset that i insinuated that he would never move to follow me off to school--he wanted me to know that he would, but just that it might be true that he couldn't. i'm not sure how that makes me feel. and i'm not sure i want to care about how that makes me feel.
i want to go be a student again and live on the west coast and hang out with derrick prolly too.