Recovery, chapter fifteen
summary: Ian dies of cancer. Anthony confesses something to his coworkers.
warnings: hella swearing and mentions of suicide
rating: pg-13
When he read fanfiction about them (not that he commonly did, he only did so out of rare curiosity) he stumbled across the occasional story where one of them died, one of them was suicidal, so on and so forth, and he’d always laugh a bit before reading those, thinking they were too sad to actually happen. But when he read these tales, they’d always say something like ‘he felt his life leaving him’ or ‘he felt himself fade away’ when one of the characters committed suicide. And it was cliche, of course, but now, waking up, going through life, that’s how he would describe his feelings. Like everything was evaporating from his, all his emotions leaving from under his skin like steam, dissipating into the air. He was dying, ever so slowly.
He had to start his day working on set, something he really didn’t want to do. He was scared to go after the church incident the day previous, when, following a screaming match outside with Ian’s doctor, Anthony had to text Kalel requesting her to meet him outside, and she drove them home, he wiping tears from his face and explaining nothing. And, of course, his coworkers were suspicious of something, and knowing them, the truth would be demanded.
Walking into their office building, where they filmed most videos since Ian passed away and his house was sold, Drew caught his eyes immediately, and though he looked down in avoidance, he heard his name being called.
“Anthony. Anthony!” Drew yelled to him. “We need to have a word. Your office?”
“Sure.” Anthony answered, suppressing a groan. Drew walked into the hardly used office, and Anthony followed, a tense feeling in the air. Looking around, he noted how many people were avoiding his gaze, staring at their shoes with hardened expressions. Entering the room and closing the door behind him, he looked to Drew, whose back was turned to him as he stood at the window, looking out at the cloudy sky.
“Stars go down when there’s a scandal.” Drew said. “Please tell me we don’t have a scandal on our hands, Ant.”
“Anthony.” He corrected him, voice hard. “And no, no scandal.”
“Really?” He turned to him, looking patronizing. “Because we all heard what Franklin was saying at the memorial service last night. And it sounded like a scandal brewing. So please, Anthony, fess up before I abandon ship.”
Anthony stood there silently, trying to recall what the Deacon had said in his little speech, trying to figure out what he had said to make them realize that Ian was in love with him.
“So what did he say?” He asked after several long moments of silence. “What tipped us off?”
“Ian donated to the church for several months before he died. Why would he do that if he didn’t know he was dying?” Drew’s eyes were accusatory, but Anthony was too surprised by the question to respond.
“Wait, what?” Anthony questioned in shock.
“Jesus Christ, we’re not idiots, we all have eyes. He was obviously sick, but we thought he didn’t want to talk about it, or that you guys were dealing with it. But now I figure you’ve known all along.”
“Oh. Yeah.” Anthony said, then shook his head. “Sorry, I thought you were gonna bring up the other scandal.”
“So there’s more than one scandal? Great, just great.” He threw his arms up in frustration. “I quit, just to let you know.”
“Like I care. Take everyone with you while you’re at it.” Anthony replied, voice raised slightly with frustration.
“Fuck.” Drew turned away from him, hand rubbing his eyes. “Fuck. You need to tell me what’s going on. Please, man, I’m trying to help.”
“You’re trying to help yourself.” He gave him a sad little smile. “If Smosh goes under because I snap, you’re out of the job.”
“No, okay, no. I’m trying to understand why you and Ian didn’t tell all of us he was dying even though we’ve done nothing but support you two!” He clenched his fists.
“I don’t know.” Anthony answered loudly.
“Bullshit!”
“I don’t know! I didn’t know!” He yelled louder. The words were just a dismissal in his eyes, but Drew had a sudden look of realization in his, and a sadness he hadn’t seen lately, save in his own mirror.
“You didn’t know, did you?” He asked, astonished. “Ian didn’t tell you he was dying?”
“I-I-” Anthony spluttered, shock keeping him from answering.
“Jesus fucking Christ, he lost his goddamn marbles.” Drew looked almost shocked to death, his face gone pale and his eyes wide.
“Shut the hell up.” Anthony said, breaking into a sweat as panic started to grab hold of him.
“He couldn’t handle the fact that he was dying, so he just didn’t tell anyone. He went batshit crazy.” Drew said, adding it up, and Anthony felt ashamed when he started tearing up.
“Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, you didn’t know him.” He sniffed and paced about the room.
“Oh I didn’t, I get that now. Because I thought he would be brave about it, actually have the balls to tell people-”
“Well he wasn’t! He wasn’t brave, he was scared!” Anthony stopped and yelled.
“And you’re defending him! The fuck is that about, man? He lied to you for months, you should be furious! You don’t even know exactly why he didn’t tell, maybe he had a goddamn death wish!”
“Fuck you! God, Drew, fuck you!” He screamed, knowing it could be heard by nearly all his coworkers through the thin walls, but not quite caring. Drew was right, of course; all this time later, he still didn’t fully understand Ian’s actions. Denial, sadness, anger, love, he knew all that was happening in Ian’s head, plus more, but he couldn’t add it all together to make it fit just right. The last six months of Ian’s life, hell, the last few years, were a mystery to him. He had no idea who his friend truly was, what he really thought and felt. It was all a lie.
“No, man, fuck you, because you know I’m right! You know you shouldn’t defend him, but you do anyway! This whole thing is weak, Anthony, it’s fucking pathetic watching this!”
“I’m not pathetic, neither was Ian! We were...Jesus, I don’t know, maybe we are, but I just need some time to figure out what’s going on.” His voice had gone slightly more silent, but was still loud, and wavering a bit.
“We don’t have time for you to have an existential crisis, Anthony, do it on your own time. We need to keep Smosh afloat.”
“Fuck Smosh. Fuck it. Fuck the fans, fuck the videos, fuck everyone who works here, including our shitty replacements for Ian.” Anthony stood defiant, tears falling down his cheeks. “I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit place anymore.”
“Is this our other scandal, then? That you’re having doubts?” Drew questioned, and the answer burst from Anthony’s mouth before he could think of stopping it.
“He loved me! He was in love with me! And he settled for Mel and never told me because he thought he was protecting me!” Anthony expected shock, anger maybe, but not confirmation.
“No fucking way!” He yelled back sarcastically, startling Anthony. “I had no fucking clue, Anthony, not one! Because no one here ever saw the way he looked at you or the way he touched you or how goddamn blind you were! Jesus, half the fans knew, you oblivious fuck!”
“Don’t, just don’t.” He hid his grimace with his hand as tears fell even more rapidly down his face, but Drew pushed on.
“One big fucking secret, huh, Anthony, such a huge one that everyone practically knew except you did, just like his cancer. How the fuck did you not see what was right in front of you?”
“I love him. I love him back, Drew, I feel like an idiot for not getting it in my head until now. And it’s too fucking late now, it’s too late! I’m gonna know that every day for the rest of my life, Drew, and Jesus fucking Christ do I wish I could stop feeling like this. I don’t know what’s going on, I just need to know, I just want it to be like it was!” His throat was sore, his eyes red, his head ached and his face was dripping with tears. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d screamed so hard.
“Well that’s not happening. We have to move on.” Drew gave him the same look his mother used to give him when he came back from school with bad grades, or when he went one too many days without cleaning his room; the disappointment was coming off him in bounds. “I quit.”
“If you let me fire you, you can get severance.” Anthony mumbled, wiping his face.
“I don’t want one more cent from you.” His expression hardened. “I’m done clinging to the ship, I’ll take my chances in the water.”
And with that, he charged out, yet another reminder of how alone Anthony felt. He walked out of the room, seeing everyone quickly avoid their eyes and fake conversation amongst themselves, and turned to the person closest, Zach.
“He quit. I’m...on a leave of absence. Work around it, or honestly, don’t, either’s fine by me.” He said to him, the whole office deathly silent with everyone’s ears straining to hear more. But they heard nothing except Anthony’s steps out of the door.
***
He’d driven all the way back to his house fighting tears, only having a good sob when he parked in the driveway. He felt guilty and alone and empty, only wishing he could stop all the madness. When he finally wiped his eyes, cleared his throat, and walked into his home, he walked quickly past Kalel and into his office, sitting in the chair in front of his computer. It was here that he learned that Ian had died, here where he read the note and realized what Ian felt for him.
He trudged back into the living room, a question bumping around in his head. Kalel was sewing something, but stopped to look up at him, and then put the garment down in concern.
“Were you crying?” She stood. “What’s wrong?”
“Did you know?” Anthony asked, ignoring her question.
“Did I know what?” She took a step towards him, but he took a step back.
“That Ian loved me. Because you read the note, and then you just never mentioned it again, like it meant nothing to you. You weren’t angry or surprised like I was, you barely reacted.”
“You were a wreck, Anthony, I was trying to help you.” She said gently, reaching out to touch him, but he didn’t move closer to her so she could.
“Tell me the truth. You knew, didn’t you.” Anthony stared at her, watching her sigh and the features in her face becoming even softer.
“We looked at you the same way.” She dropped her arm. “But he did it when he thought no one was looking.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” He questioned, feeling exhausted and light-headed.
“You never would’ve reciprocated those feelings, babe. You could never love him the way he loved you.”
“You’re wrong.” He said, giving her a hardened look, and he saw whatever hope she had leave her. “Pack a bag, Kristen.”
“What?” She looked lost and confused, but at the same time, as though she knew exactly what was happening. Knew that it was ending.
“Pack a bag. Leave. It’s over.”
“No. No, Anthony. You can’t leave me for him, he’s dead.” Her voice cracked, and she was sad and desperate.
“I know that, actually, I know you all enjoy reminding me every second of every damn day, but I’m fully aware of it.” He shook his head. “Just leave. I don’t want to do this with you anymore.”
“Please, sweetheart, whatever you’re going through, whatever you feel for him, we can work it out. It’ll be okay, I promise.” She stepped over to him and tried to hold his hands, but he pushed his away from hers.
“I don’t want to work it out. Take some stuff with you, get a hotel room or something, I’ll tell you when to come back and get the rest. Go.” He couldn’t look at her. He just wanted to be alone.
“This isn’t over. I’m not giving up on us.” But she walked away, eyes void of tears.
He sat on the couch as he listened to her pack in the other room, hearing the rustle of clothes and zipping of bags. He was so tired, numb, devoid of logic. Her leaving was a bad idea, the wrong decision, and though deep inside he was aware of that, he couldn’t bring himself to stop it. He just wanted everything to be over, for the universe to just collapse on itself so he wouldn’t have to care about anything any longer.
“Anthony?” Kalel called to him as she walked into the living room. He stayed silent. “I’ll call on Monday, give you the weekend to think. Okay?”
When he sat without looking at her or responding, she sighed, and walked out, carrying a suitcase and a meowing cat carrier with her. She closed the door with a resounding snap.
“Hey Ian.” Anthony murmured to the air. “Is this how you felt? Is this how lonely you were?”
And though he was met with silence, he knew the answer; at least Ian had him to pretend things were okay. He just had more and more of nothing.
A/N: Hey guys, thank you for reading this chapter. Unfortunately, the commitment's not what it used to be, as I feel many of us have lost interest in this series, myself included. I need to move on to other things, and trying to continue this story is getting in the way. So the next two chapters will be the last. Much of what I originally wanted for this story will be cut out, and the ending will be different from what I originally wanted, but I feel this is for the best. Thanks for all your comments and support during the year and a half that I've written this series :)
warnings: hella swearing and mentions of suicide
rating: pg-13
When he read fanfiction about them (not that he commonly did, he only did so out of rare curiosity) he stumbled across the occasional story where one of them died, one of them was suicidal, so on and so forth, and he’d always laugh a bit before reading those, thinking they were too sad to actually happen. But when he read these tales, they’d always say something like ‘he felt his life leaving him’ or ‘he felt himself fade away’ when one of the characters committed suicide. And it was cliche, of course, but now, waking up, going through life, that’s how he would describe his feelings. Like everything was evaporating from his, all his emotions leaving from under his skin like steam, dissipating into the air. He was dying, ever so slowly.
He had to start his day working on set, something he really didn’t want to do. He was scared to go after the church incident the day previous, when, following a screaming match outside with Ian’s doctor, Anthony had to text Kalel requesting her to meet him outside, and she drove them home, he wiping tears from his face and explaining nothing. And, of course, his coworkers were suspicious of something, and knowing them, the truth would be demanded.
Walking into their office building, where they filmed most videos since Ian passed away and his house was sold, Drew caught his eyes immediately, and though he looked down in avoidance, he heard his name being called.
“Anthony. Anthony!” Drew yelled to him. “We need to have a word. Your office?”
“Sure.” Anthony answered, suppressing a groan. Drew walked into the hardly used office, and Anthony followed, a tense feeling in the air. Looking around, he noted how many people were avoiding his gaze, staring at their shoes with hardened expressions. Entering the room and closing the door behind him, he looked to Drew, whose back was turned to him as he stood at the window, looking out at the cloudy sky.
“Stars go down when there’s a scandal.” Drew said. “Please tell me we don’t have a scandal on our hands, Ant.”
“Anthony.” He corrected him, voice hard. “And no, no scandal.”
“Really?” He turned to him, looking patronizing. “Because we all heard what Franklin was saying at the memorial service last night. And it sounded like a scandal brewing. So please, Anthony, fess up before I abandon ship.”
Anthony stood there silently, trying to recall what the Deacon had said in his little speech, trying to figure out what he had said to make them realize that Ian was in love with him.
“So what did he say?” He asked after several long moments of silence. “What tipped us off?”
“Ian donated to the church for several months before he died. Why would he do that if he didn’t know he was dying?” Drew’s eyes were accusatory, but Anthony was too surprised by the question to respond.
“Wait, what?” Anthony questioned in shock.
“Jesus Christ, we’re not idiots, we all have eyes. He was obviously sick, but we thought he didn’t want to talk about it, or that you guys were dealing with it. But now I figure you’ve known all along.”
“Oh. Yeah.” Anthony said, then shook his head. “Sorry, I thought you were gonna bring up the other scandal.”
“So there’s more than one scandal? Great, just great.” He threw his arms up in frustration. “I quit, just to let you know.”
“Like I care. Take everyone with you while you’re at it.” Anthony replied, voice raised slightly with frustration.
“Fuck.” Drew turned away from him, hand rubbing his eyes. “Fuck. You need to tell me what’s going on. Please, man, I’m trying to help.”
“You’re trying to help yourself.” He gave him a sad little smile. “If Smosh goes under because I snap, you’re out of the job.”
“No, okay, no. I’m trying to understand why you and Ian didn’t tell all of us he was dying even though we’ve done nothing but support you two!” He clenched his fists.
“I don’t know.” Anthony answered loudly.
“Bullshit!”
“I don’t know! I didn’t know!” He yelled louder. The words were just a dismissal in his eyes, but Drew had a sudden look of realization in his, and a sadness he hadn’t seen lately, save in his own mirror.
“You didn’t know, did you?” He asked, astonished. “Ian didn’t tell you he was dying?”
“I-I-” Anthony spluttered, shock keeping him from answering.
“Jesus fucking Christ, he lost his goddamn marbles.” Drew looked almost shocked to death, his face gone pale and his eyes wide.
“Shut the hell up.” Anthony said, breaking into a sweat as panic started to grab hold of him.
“He couldn’t handle the fact that he was dying, so he just didn’t tell anyone. He went batshit crazy.” Drew said, adding it up, and Anthony felt ashamed when he started tearing up.
“Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, you didn’t know him.” He sniffed and paced about the room.
“Oh I didn’t, I get that now. Because I thought he would be brave about it, actually have the balls to tell people-”
“Well he wasn’t! He wasn’t brave, he was scared!” Anthony stopped and yelled.
“And you’re defending him! The fuck is that about, man? He lied to you for months, you should be furious! You don’t even know exactly why he didn’t tell, maybe he had a goddamn death wish!”
“Fuck you! God, Drew, fuck you!” He screamed, knowing it could be heard by nearly all his coworkers through the thin walls, but not quite caring. Drew was right, of course; all this time later, he still didn’t fully understand Ian’s actions. Denial, sadness, anger, love, he knew all that was happening in Ian’s head, plus more, but he couldn’t add it all together to make it fit just right. The last six months of Ian’s life, hell, the last few years, were a mystery to him. He had no idea who his friend truly was, what he really thought and felt. It was all a lie.
“No, man, fuck you, because you know I’m right! You know you shouldn’t defend him, but you do anyway! This whole thing is weak, Anthony, it’s fucking pathetic watching this!”
“I’m not pathetic, neither was Ian! We were...Jesus, I don’t know, maybe we are, but I just need some time to figure out what’s going on.” His voice had gone slightly more silent, but was still loud, and wavering a bit.
“We don’t have time for you to have an existential crisis, Anthony, do it on your own time. We need to keep Smosh afloat.”
“Fuck Smosh. Fuck it. Fuck the fans, fuck the videos, fuck everyone who works here, including our shitty replacements for Ian.” Anthony stood defiant, tears falling down his cheeks. “I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit place anymore.”
“Is this our other scandal, then? That you’re having doubts?” Drew questioned, and the answer burst from Anthony’s mouth before he could think of stopping it.
“He loved me! He was in love with me! And he settled for Mel and never told me because he thought he was protecting me!” Anthony expected shock, anger maybe, but not confirmation.
“No fucking way!” He yelled back sarcastically, startling Anthony. “I had no fucking clue, Anthony, not one! Because no one here ever saw the way he looked at you or the way he touched you or how goddamn blind you were! Jesus, half the fans knew, you oblivious fuck!”
“Don’t, just don’t.” He hid his grimace with his hand as tears fell even more rapidly down his face, but Drew pushed on.
“One big fucking secret, huh, Anthony, such a huge one that everyone practically knew except you did, just like his cancer. How the fuck did you not see what was right in front of you?”
“I love him. I love him back, Drew, I feel like an idiot for not getting it in my head until now. And it’s too fucking late now, it’s too late! I’m gonna know that every day for the rest of my life, Drew, and Jesus fucking Christ do I wish I could stop feeling like this. I don’t know what’s going on, I just need to know, I just want it to be like it was!” His throat was sore, his eyes red, his head ached and his face was dripping with tears. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d screamed so hard.
“Well that’s not happening. We have to move on.” Drew gave him the same look his mother used to give him when he came back from school with bad grades, or when he went one too many days without cleaning his room; the disappointment was coming off him in bounds. “I quit.”
“If you let me fire you, you can get severance.” Anthony mumbled, wiping his face.
“I don’t want one more cent from you.” His expression hardened. “I’m done clinging to the ship, I’ll take my chances in the water.”
And with that, he charged out, yet another reminder of how alone Anthony felt. He walked out of the room, seeing everyone quickly avoid their eyes and fake conversation amongst themselves, and turned to the person closest, Zach.
“He quit. I’m...on a leave of absence. Work around it, or honestly, don’t, either’s fine by me.” He said to him, the whole office deathly silent with everyone’s ears straining to hear more. But they heard nothing except Anthony’s steps out of the door.
***
He’d driven all the way back to his house fighting tears, only having a good sob when he parked in the driveway. He felt guilty and alone and empty, only wishing he could stop all the madness. When he finally wiped his eyes, cleared his throat, and walked into his home, he walked quickly past Kalel and into his office, sitting in the chair in front of his computer. It was here that he learned that Ian had died, here where he read the note and realized what Ian felt for him.
He trudged back into the living room, a question bumping around in his head. Kalel was sewing something, but stopped to look up at him, and then put the garment down in concern.
“Were you crying?” She stood. “What’s wrong?”
“Did you know?” Anthony asked, ignoring her question.
“Did I know what?” She took a step towards him, but he took a step back.
“That Ian loved me. Because you read the note, and then you just never mentioned it again, like it meant nothing to you. You weren’t angry or surprised like I was, you barely reacted.”
“You were a wreck, Anthony, I was trying to help you.” She said gently, reaching out to touch him, but he didn’t move closer to her so she could.
“Tell me the truth. You knew, didn’t you.” Anthony stared at her, watching her sigh and the features in her face becoming even softer.
“We looked at you the same way.” She dropped her arm. “But he did it when he thought no one was looking.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” He questioned, feeling exhausted and light-headed.
“You never would’ve reciprocated those feelings, babe. You could never love him the way he loved you.”
“You’re wrong.” He said, giving her a hardened look, and he saw whatever hope she had leave her. “Pack a bag, Kristen.”
“What?” She looked lost and confused, but at the same time, as though she knew exactly what was happening. Knew that it was ending.
“Pack a bag. Leave. It’s over.”
“No. No, Anthony. You can’t leave me for him, he’s dead.” Her voice cracked, and she was sad and desperate.
“I know that, actually, I know you all enjoy reminding me every second of every damn day, but I’m fully aware of it.” He shook his head. “Just leave. I don’t want to do this with you anymore.”
“Please, sweetheart, whatever you’re going through, whatever you feel for him, we can work it out. It’ll be okay, I promise.” She stepped over to him and tried to hold his hands, but he pushed his away from hers.
“I don’t want to work it out. Take some stuff with you, get a hotel room or something, I’ll tell you when to come back and get the rest. Go.” He couldn’t look at her. He just wanted to be alone.
“This isn’t over. I’m not giving up on us.” But she walked away, eyes void of tears.
He sat on the couch as he listened to her pack in the other room, hearing the rustle of clothes and zipping of bags. He was so tired, numb, devoid of logic. Her leaving was a bad idea, the wrong decision, and though deep inside he was aware of that, he couldn’t bring himself to stop it. He just wanted everything to be over, for the universe to just collapse on itself so he wouldn’t have to care about anything any longer.
“Anthony?” Kalel called to him as she walked into the living room. He stayed silent. “I’ll call on Monday, give you the weekend to think. Okay?”
When he sat without looking at her or responding, she sighed, and walked out, carrying a suitcase and a meowing cat carrier with her. She closed the door with a resounding snap.
“Hey Ian.” Anthony murmured to the air. “Is this how you felt? Is this how lonely you were?”
And though he was met with silence, he knew the answer; at least Ian had him to pretend things were okay. He just had more and more of nothing.
A/N: Hey guys, thank you for reading this chapter. Unfortunately, the commitment's not what it used to be, as I feel many of us have lost interest in this series, myself included. I need to move on to other things, and trying to continue this story is getting in the way. So the next two chapters will be the last. Much of what I originally wanted for this story will be cut out, and the ending will be different from what I originally wanted, but I feel this is for the best. Thanks for all your comments and support during the year and a half that I've written this series :)