nothing has changed and i hate it.
she's been thinking. what else is new.
when someone dies, people cry for a few days and then eventually stop because they know for a fact that person is never coming back, and theres absolutely nothing anyone can do to bring them back. We cry ocassionally when we think about them or miss them but over time the pain dulls and fades away even if never completely.
but in other cases, she cries every day because that person is only one mile away and theres nothing she can do anyway. That person is just right there but not with her. and it kills her. and every day its the same, she wishes and hopes and sometimes begs but nothing changes. shes afraid he doesnt lover her anymore.
and sometimes, even more than sometimes, things happen that make her think, 'maybe its getting better', but she realizes that someone giving you a couple hours of their time in the middle of the night doesn't mean he wants to be with her, or that he trusts her, or anything at all besides the fact that he probably feels bad for her or something. for all she knows, that person could have a whole relationship with someone else, or could have had sex with someone else before she got there but she is just glad for whatever she can get. how sad.
so what are the options?
give up?
cry some more but keep trying?
patiently wait for something that might never happen?
i really don't know anymore what i am supposed to do anymore. did i ever?
and i've never said most of these things to anyone and it makes me nervous to type them and actually see the words. reading them now seems a little harsh but maybe its what i need.
theres just such a huge piece of me that thinks things are possible.
the worst part is, knowing that your doing so much and trying so hard, and being the only one who knows it. or when you tell someone something and they think your lying when your really not, and no matter how much you try to explain or defend urself it just makes it look like you are lying even more. and to top it off, he probably wont ever see this so what is the point really? i guess just as a point of reference if one day i need physical evidence to prove myself.
i dont buy cigarettes, and i have only kissed one person this summer.