(no subject)
I've barely slept the last couple of days. Last night you could definitely say i was thinking about something. But i guess i don't want to think about it again today. Repress it. Forget you thought that. Take it back. This isn't worth it, is it?
I dont know.
anyways enough about ambigious stuff and no names or situations because lets face it. LJ is a gossip whole. Its funny because the random onlooker would be like why doesnt she just write whatever she wants in this thing. But its funny as soon as im specific about something everyone seemms to be reading.
So lets go on and talk about what I've been up to the last few days.
I requested friday night off because i thought that jonnies party was on friday and not saturday and i got pissed off because i told dom i could close saturday night.. but nooo... it was saturday. I would have seen tons of friends that i really need to catch up with/ tons of old memories/ probably make out with some guy that i could never ever see and it would be better that way because im trying to date someone right now anyways but I feel like if i dont find out whats going on here soon I'm going to do something stupid. But making out randomly isn't stupid. Anyways thats not really why i wanted to go. I mostly wanted to see Dan and hang out with jonnies for the first time ever because we always hated each other in real life. But anyways... we went to the beach and natalina got DECKED by a wave. And if anyone knows anything about Natalina and the beach. Its really funny. REALLY funny. It made my life just about. Then we hung out with meg and called people. Unfortunately they called Eric and im NOT talking to him. NOt for a good long time, and even then its not going to the same. He asked how i was doing to meg/natalina in a curious/menacing voice. I think afterwards i got drunk and told him to leave me alone and get run over by a truck. Fuck you Eric tustison. If you say you cant relate to me enough to even be my FRIEND than fuck it forget it. I was wrong pouring out the inner workings of my heart to you. Confiding in you. FUCK YOU. Anyways
thats not really the point.
Saturday i was kinda in a bad mood because i had to close and was missing out on all the fun in RI. Madler told me i could stop by his party and it was the only one starting later so i figured id go to that one. It amused me because he acted like he didnt want me to go but obviously implied he wanted me there. So i come into work at 6 and we're in CLOSING MODE. I closed with katy+alpa and you know Katy is the kinda girl who wants to get out as soon as possible and is going to fucking kick alpas ass if she doesnt speed the fuck up. Incidently. We didnt even need Alpa. We were gone by the time she finished counting her till down. That was 11:18, bitch. Anyone who works/worked (ahem natalina) with me knows exactly how awesome that is on a saturday night. Well i pick up Natalina's ass and drag her to the party she doesnt really wanna go to but she goes anyways because 1) shes my gucci bag and i have to bring her EVERYWHERE 2) I REALLY like this boy. I really want to think of something sweet/nice/romantic to do with him but I dont think its that easy here and im so scared of rejection it kills me. I feel like how he feels changes like the weather. Anyways Natalina was lamed out, because shes natalina, and a Brandeis party isn't really that crazy when you dont know many people there. Well all that completely matters to me is that i had fun with the man and by the end of the night i felt about 1/4 taken and it made me feel like he was trusting me a little bit more and i was drunk so i held his hand and he let me. And it makes me glad that we're not really doing anything. It makes me feel like hes innocent. And it makes me feel like im in high school again where every time you know hes looking at you or thinking about you is something to cherish. Which is nice i think for right now. It makes me like wow i dont WANT to break your heart because here you are, putting it all out for me. Maybe its for the wrong reasons. But I dont know. So we'll pretend. We'll say to myself I'm building up for something real. Something more than horseshit. Maybe an actual connection with someone. Dream on, jackie. Saying all this really wants me to make it friends only. But I'm not. Some things need to get out there I think. Anyways we go home around sayyyyy 2:30 in the morning, I'm slightly drunk so Natalian doesn't let me drive. She's only in a little of a bad mood so its okay. She hates me drinking though. I go home and GUESS WHO IMS ME RIGHT AWAY. Anthony? dude... wtf? he wants me to hang out and drink more with him. Im like last time i hung out with a guy alone drunk was right after i hung out with YOU actually and he fucked me and never talked to me again really. And he was the love of my life. He tells me he'll fuck me AND call me the next day. Thatd be nice. But no thanks. I watch party of five with my sister till like 4 in the morning. We love that show. I cant sleep. We joke around about how shes gunna wake me up at 9 because thats what time she usually wakes up no matter what.
Sunday: I wake up at 8:46 in the morning. Hardy har har. We were sposed to go to the beach anyways. But in 3 hours? Meg comes to hampton with us. We were torn whether to go to hampton/Revere but i figured wed go to hampton because madler was going to hampton on sunday too and wed hang out and much fun would be had. Im exhausted but of course we go because the beach is fun times. madler calls and ends up at Revere beach, figures right? He was really sweet about it so i asked him to hang out later. We were on good terms, no? Traffic SUCKS my phone is dead and im completely exhausted by the time we get home. THe beach was nice tho. The water was completely perfect. Meg liked hanging out in the water so i wasnt completely in the sun the whole time. The sun is okay but Im not that prissy most of the time. I go home and Im madler when meg finally leaves ask if i can see him tuesday but also tell him im realllly tired so he just tells me to go to bed. Thanks, madler. Thats what i get when i talk too much in IMs. When no one answers I feel invisible so i keep going hoping maybe eventually someone will hear me. I do that at work too. So right now I think hes mad at me about that. Which makes me feel silly. Oh and nats mad too. Shes hated me the last few days. I try to justify what im doing and as much as she knows what im doing she just hates me for sticking up for her. Its so sad that shes turned into completely submissive boyfriend who doesnt want her bf to feel BAD about whats hes doing. She knows im alwasy good at this stuff but she doesnt care.
Funny as good as I am at relationships I can never make my own work.
I kinda think i figured tat game out the other night. This silly game. And you win by cheating. Because the less you cheat the more they win.
You might not think i need you, but I do.
I dont know.
anyways enough about ambigious stuff and no names or situations because lets face it. LJ is a gossip whole. Its funny because the random onlooker would be like why doesnt she just write whatever she wants in this thing. But its funny as soon as im specific about something everyone seemms to be reading.
So lets go on and talk about what I've been up to the last few days.
I requested friday night off because i thought that jonnies party was on friday and not saturday and i got pissed off because i told dom i could close saturday night.. but nooo... it was saturday. I would have seen tons of friends that i really need to catch up with/ tons of old memories/ probably make out with some guy that i could never ever see and it would be better that way because im trying to date someone right now anyways but I feel like if i dont find out whats going on here soon I'm going to do something stupid. But making out randomly isn't stupid. Anyways thats not really why i wanted to go. I mostly wanted to see Dan and hang out with jonnies for the first time ever because we always hated each other in real life. But anyways... we went to the beach and natalina got DECKED by a wave. And if anyone knows anything about Natalina and the beach. Its really funny. REALLY funny. It made my life just about. Then we hung out with meg and called people. Unfortunately they called Eric and im NOT talking to him. NOt for a good long time, and even then its not going to the same. He asked how i was doing to meg/natalina in a curious/menacing voice. I think afterwards i got drunk and told him to leave me alone and get run over by a truck. Fuck you Eric tustison. If you say you cant relate to me enough to even be my FRIEND than fuck it forget it. I was wrong pouring out the inner workings of my heart to you. Confiding in you. FUCK YOU. Anyways
thats not really the point.
Saturday i was kinda in a bad mood because i had to close and was missing out on all the fun in RI. Madler told me i could stop by his party and it was the only one starting later so i figured id go to that one. It amused me because he acted like he didnt want me to go but obviously implied he wanted me there. So i come into work at 6 and we're in CLOSING MODE. I closed with katy+alpa and you know Katy is the kinda girl who wants to get out as soon as possible and is going to fucking kick alpas ass if she doesnt speed the fuck up. Incidently. We didnt even need Alpa. We were gone by the time she finished counting her till down. That was 11:18, bitch. Anyone who works/worked (ahem natalina) with me knows exactly how awesome that is on a saturday night. Well i pick up Natalina's ass and drag her to the party she doesnt really wanna go to but she goes anyways because 1) shes my gucci bag and i have to bring her EVERYWHERE 2) I REALLY like this boy. I really want to think of something sweet/nice/romantic to do with him but I dont think its that easy here and im so scared of rejection it kills me. I feel like how he feels changes like the weather. Anyways Natalina was lamed out, because shes natalina, and a Brandeis party isn't really that crazy when you dont know many people there. Well all that completely matters to me is that i had fun with the man and by the end of the night i felt about 1/4 taken and it made me feel like he was trusting me a little bit more and i was drunk so i held his hand and he let me. And it makes me glad that we're not really doing anything. It makes me feel like hes innocent. And it makes me feel like im in high school again where every time you know hes looking at you or thinking about you is something to cherish. Which is nice i think for right now. It makes me like wow i dont WANT to break your heart because here you are, putting it all out for me. Maybe its for the wrong reasons. But I dont know. So we'll pretend. We'll say to myself I'm building up for something real. Something more than horseshit. Maybe an actual connection with someone. Dream on, jackie. Saying all this really wants me to make it friends only. But I'm not. Some things need to get out there I think. Anyways we go home around sayyyyy 2:30 in the morning, I'm slightly drunk so Natalian doesn't let me drive. She's only in a little of a bad mood so its okay. She hates me drinking though. I go home and GUESS WHO IMS ME RIGHT AWAY. Anthony? dude... wtf? he wants me to hang out and drink more with him. Im like last time i hung out with a guy alone drunk was right after i hung out with YOU actually and he fucked me and never talked to me again really. And he was the love of my life. He tells me he'll fuck me AND call me the next day. Thatd be nice. But no thanks. I watch party of five with my sister till like 4 in the morning. We love that show. I cant sleep. We joke around about how shes gunna wake me up at 9 because thats what time she usually wakes up no matter what.
Sunday: I wake up at 8:46 in the morning. Hardy har har. We were sposed to go to the beach anyways. But in 3 hours? Meg comes to hampton with us. We were torn whether to go to hampton/Revere but i figured wed go to hampton because madler was going to hampton on sunday too and wed hang out and much fun would be had. Im exhausted but of course we go because the beach is fun times. madler calls and ends up at Revere beach, figures right? He was really sweet about it so i asked him to hang out later. We were on good terms, no? Traffic SUCKS my phone is dead and im completely exhausted by the time we get home. THe beach was nice tho. The water was completely perfect. Meg liked hanging out in the water so i wasnt completely in the sun the whole time. The sun is okay but Im not that prissy most of the time. I go home and Im madler when meg finally leaves ask if i can see him tuesday but also tell him im realllly tired so he just tells me to go to bed. Thanks, madler. Thats what i get when i talk too much in IMs. When no one answers I feel invisible so i keep going hoping maybe eventually someone will hear me. I do that at work too. So right now I think hes mad at me about that. Which makes me feel silly. Oh and nats mad too. Shes hated me the last few days. I try to justify what im doing and as much as she knows what im doing she just hates me for sticking up for her. Its so sad that shes turned into completely submissive boyfriend who doesnt want her bf to feel BAD about whats hes doing. She knows im alwasy good at this stuff but she doesnt care.
Funny as good as I am at relationships I can never make my own work.
I kinda think i figured tat game out the other night. This silly game. And you win by cheating. Because the less you cheat the more they win.
You might not think i need you, but I do.