i want to listen to a pretty song and lie inside a strangers arms
I almost broke down later
but then it got better
i babbled and was silly and thought of silly random things and it was entertaining
Meg came up after and everyone hung out for a bit.
I feel a difference with her. Its an ultimate connection shes mine and im hers. I dont have that ultimate understanding with anyone else. And i think thats where the loneliness comes in. We went down to brandeis for her to hang out with madler. Because i already begged him for company earlier because i was lonely and the desire for a nice talk a laugh or two with strangers and a few hugs is usually very desirable. But its never that simple. No not madler. Meg and him threw around complex religious/moral/philosiphical theories that go absolutely nowhere. Hes such a play on logic and he cant keep in touch with himself and i cant grasp onto him. Ever. I found out something about myself tho. Something that makes things make a little bit of sense. Madler told me i need to live for the moment more rather than seeking companionship with people. I pick people to live with and i pick people to BE with. And its seeking out the moment with the people that are mine and i own their souls because it belongs to me And it sthe moment i share with them bearing my soul that are the ones that mean something. talking to meg all night about immortality or whatever. Sitting in the parking lot with Eric knowing that neither of us are ever going to forget this moment and he actually says it. The first night ilya told me he loved me and we were standing by the reflecting pool and he was holding me in his arms and he whispered it in russian in my ears and i knew and i didnt say anything because i didnt love him back. And then we came back. and i realized i loved him after all and in a dizzying circuit of pleasure of pain i fall in and out of love. That night with denny where i stared into his eyes and i swear i saw his soul. All those nights with denny. That night in high school where we talked forever. I didnt wanna call my mom and have her pick me up. He would wait with me and she always obnoxiously late. Its better that way. Nights with evan and meg. And writing poetry with Emily.
But its like goddamn there are some people where simple accepted friendship ISNT okay. And its really funny because the ones i connect with the most always hold back where it matters to me the most. ANd they always give me fucking issues and if i wasnt so obsessed with being something in my heart it wouldnt matter
Except that night with denny
everything was exactly how it should be
but i needed to do it again.
and what gets me the most is when he asked me what i wanted to come back as. If could be anything else. and i told him i wanted to be a flower. And i didnt. I lied about something stupid when he was thinking the exact same thing i was. Because i couldnt fuck it up. But im nervous. I wonder if he saw past it.
If i EVER relive that night with anyone. Id marry them. Right there. And i felt like he wanted to run away then too.
But no
we're all trapped in our realities
life will fuck us over after all
but then it got better
i babbled and was silly and thought of silly random things and it was entertaining
Meg came up after and everyone hung out for a bit.
I feel a difference with her. Its an ultimate connection shes mine and im hers. I dont have that ultimate understanding with anyone else. And i think thats where the loneliness comes in. We went down to brandeis for her to hang out with madler. Because i already begged him for company earlier because i was lonely and the desire for a nice talk a laugh or two with strangers and a few hugs is usually very desirable. But its never that simple. No not madler. Meg and him threw around complex religious/moral/philosiphical theories that go absolutely nowhere. Hes such a play on logic and he cant keep in touch with himself and i cant grasp onto him. Ever. I found out something about myself tho. Something that makes things make a little bit of sense. Madler told me i need to live for the moment more rather than seeking companionship with people. I pick people to live with and i pick people to BE with. And its seeking out the moment with the people that are mine and i own their souls because it belongs to me And it sthe moment i share with them bearing my soul that are the ones that mean something. talking to meg all night about immortality or whatever. Sitting in the parking lot with Eric knowing that neither of us are ever going to forget this moment and he actually says it. The first night ilya told me he loved me and we were standing by the reflecting pool and he was holding me in his arms and he whispered it in russian in my ears and i knew and i didnt say anything because i didnt love him back. And then we came back. and i realized i loved him after all and in a dizzying circuit of pleasure of pain i fall in and out of love. That night with denny where i stared into his eyes and i swear i saw his soul. All those nights with denny. That night in high school where we talked forever. I didnt wanna call my mom and have her pick me up. He would wait with me and she always obnoxiously late. Its better that way. Nights with evan and meg. And writing poetry with Emily.
But its like goddamn there are some people where simple accepted friendship ISNT okay. And its really funny because the ones i connect with the most always hold back where it matters to me the most. ANd they always give me fucking issues and if i wasnt so obsessed with being something in my heart it wouldnt matter
Except that night with denny
everything was exactly how it should be
but i needed to do it again.
and what gets me the most is when he asked me what i wanted to come back as. If could be anything else. and i told him i wanted to be a flower. And i didnt. I lied about something stupid when he was thinking the exact same thing i was. Because i couldnt fuck it up. But im nervous. I wonder if he saw past it.
If i EVER relive that night with anyone. Id marry them. Right there. And i felt like he wanted to run away then too.
But no
we're all trapped in our realities
life will fuck us over after all