non-negative entry
i'm having a lot more fun now. i was having fun before, at least some of the time, but it's way better now. i do listen to elliott smith when i'm happy too by the way. it was bothering me before because i was taken out of a situation where i felt completely myself, comfortable, surrounded by these great substantial relationships i'd made, with chris all the time etc and then really abruptly put in a situation where i had to 'define myself' for every person i met, was surrounded only by shallow relationships (at least within porter...shout out to pauline valeri eli etc), was sharing a room AND sharing a bathroom with boys, and not seeing chris. my attitude wasn't all there. anyway i always take a while to adjust but i'm adjusting now so that's cool. my roommate megan is the only new girl i've formed a friendship with really but that's expected, i don't know how to befriend girls if i'm not forced (or drunk). it would be cool, and maybe as time goes i'll feel the requirement more but for now it doesn't matter to me that much.
porter kids are bothering me less because i've been associating with and therefore meeting more of the non-fuck ones who are really cool, and i've just gotten used to it.
i told myself to write an entry that wasn't just me complaining the whole time cause like...all of my entries lately have been that but to take a quick break from my resolve one thing i hate about porter is the fucking core class. ughhh we have 4 different meetings/classes/whatever every week and literally maybe 1 1/2 of them are actually beneficial. there's a discussion class on monday where you talk about the week's reading and it's excrutiating (not helped by the fact that my range of completion for the reading is 'none to some'), then monday night all 400 porter freshman watch a performance/lecture that is also excrutiating (excluding one that was soooo good), then the writing group, then a discussion group with your TA where she asks us our opinions or whatever and nothing gets done. mine's my last class on friday so it sucks extra. the one that is wholly beneficial is the writing group, cause you meet with 5 other kids and the teacher and each week three kids read their assignments and then we all critique it. pretty cool...also because i have two classes plus the weekly porter performances that are gigantic and impersonal so it's nice to have a class with such an intimate setting. like where i actually know what the teacher looks like.
i was working really hard constantly last week, and all stressed and unadjusted, so on wednesday night megan and i went upstairs to smoke which was really fun (...obviously). unfortunately megan and i both slept through our classes the next day...i had intro to human evolution, the final lecture before the midterm. good idea. thursday night was a showing of fear and loathing in las vegas so we smoked again and went with a bunch of people and had a great time. i woke up for my human evolution discussion at 9:30 (they only take roll there), then went back to sleep. chris called me at 12:30 which is when my american popular music class starts, so i talked to him for a few minutes then decided sleep was more important and woke up again at 3:15, just in time for my final (useless) class.
this past weekend was the first since i left that chris and i didn't see each other which sucked. i'm going home again this weekend to see him cause he can't come here. i didn't really want to go home again so soon but i can't not see him so oh well. i'm sure the home/school contrast won't be as bad this weekend anyway. i know some couples have to wait from august to december to see each other and chris and i feel like we're dying when we have to wait 5 days...but...uh well i guess it's a good thing i go to school in california. this extended separation has, however, led to a quantity of text messages easily classified as 'ridiculous'. so anyway i was here and he was there this weekend, and i missed him but i had quite a bit of fun. on friday night megan and i got really drunk then went into the quad and met a bunch of people. we all went back to this guy i know named brendan's room to roll a joint and we met more people playing guitar hero and hanging out. i also met this other girl named megan who was my physical anchor for the night as things got a little crazier. we went out to the meadow and smoked and i was CRAZY, i was having a great time but i was so disacossiated. to try to describe it...one possible description was that it was like whereas my mind is usually right up against my eyes and therefore the outside world, i'd pulled my mind back so there was a lot of space between me and my consciousness...or that it was like i wasn't fully present, but not like i was somewhere else but like i wasn't there. like...my sense of being there. personality was all there. hard to explain maybe. anyway i talked to chris for a while and said god knows what and then i was like "hey let's spin!!!" but i was the only one who did. i forgot that spinning works great when you're high or sober but probably not so much when you're drunk, so i fell over pretty quickly, scrapes and bruises on my knees, i got all wet from the grass and other dewy foliage. it was pretty funny though...but roommate megan dragged me back to the group after that and anchor-megan held onto me so i didn't drift away. then megan and i slept til 2:30.
once we finally woke up and ate breakfast i did laundry and read half of one of the two books that was due monday...rough i know...but it was a pretty cool book. persepolis, check it out. i did laundry with two other girls named jackie but i didn't really like either of them. at least my clothes are clean.
saturday night i knew i kinda had to take it easy cause i had a lot of homework on sunday, so megan, wolfgang, harrison and i watched memento. i slept through part of it the only other time i saw it (not a good movie to sleep through really...) so even more was revealed to me and made crazy. then we went to these guys' room cause they're always smoking and smoked with them. they got a fog machine (?) and a strobe light, so they put a glowstick in the bong, turned off the lights and started the party. it looked really cool when people would smoke. it was a weird combination; party fog strobe raving with chilling out and smoking a bowl. cool though. this guy brought in this microwavable kettle corn that was AMAZING so i followed him to this other room where we played video games and ate more. then i started to go to sleep on a bed then i went back to my room and slept the right way.
sunday sucked cause i worked...all day. well like a day's worth. seriously about 8 hours of straight work. i had a midterm in music and i COULD NOT KNOW less about it so i had to basically teach myself the class so far, and i had to make comments on these online posts for the class that i knew nothing about, and read A BOOK AND A HALF and write a one page reflection on the previous week's dumb porter performance. and i got it all done! i couldn't believe myself.
the midterm went...okay. i think.
i had another midterm in human evolution today, but unfortunately i seemed to have used all my focus on sunday so i barely studied. that midterm went...ooooookay. i hate when you get those questions that are like IF I HAD LOOKED OVER MY NOTES ONE TIME i would know the answer to this.
now i have to finish my essay about what else but cultural identity and solo performance.
porter kids are bothering me less because i've been associating with and therefore meeting more of the non-fuck ones who are really cool, and i've just gotten used to it.
i told myself to write an entry that wasn't just me complaining the whole time cause like...all of my entries lately have been that but to take a quick break from my resolve one thing i hate about porter is the fucking core class. ughhh we have 4 different meetings/classes/whatever every week and literally maybe 1 1/2 of them are actually beneficial. there's a discussion class on monday where you talk about the week's reading and it's excrutiating (not helped by the fact that my range of completion for the reading is 'none to some'), then monday night all 400 porter freshman watch a performance/lecture that is also excrutiating (excluding one that was soooo good), then the writing group, then a discussion group with your TA where she asks us our opinions or whatever and nothing gets done. mine's my last class on friday so it sucks extra. the one that is wholly beneficial is the writing group, cause you meet with 5 other kids and the teacher and each week three kids read their assignments and then we all critique it. pretty cool...also because i have two classes plus the weekly porter performances that are gigantic and impersonal so it's nice to have a class with such an intimate setting. like where i actually know what the teacher looks like.
i was working really hard constantly last week, and all stressed and unadjusted, so on wednesday night megan and i went upstairs to smoke which was really fun (...obviously). unfortunately megan and i both slept through our classes the next day...i had intro to human evolution, the final lecture before the midterm. good idea. thursday night was a showing of fear and loathing in las vegas so we smoked again and went with a bunch of people and had a great time. i woke up for my human evolution discussion at 9:30 (they only take roll there), then went back to sleep. chris called me at 12:30 which is when my american popular music class starts, so i talked to him for a few minutes then decided sleep was more important and woke up again at 3:15, just in time for my final (useless) class.
this past weekend was the first since i left that chris and i didn't see each other which sucked. i'm going home again this weekend to see him cause he can't come here. i didn't really want to go home again so soon but i can't not see him so oh well. i'm sure the home/school contrast won't be as bad this weekend anyway. i know some couples have to wait from august to december to see each other and chris and i feel like we're dying when we have to wait 5 days...but...uh well i guess it's a good thing i go to school in california. this extended separation has, however, led to a quantity of text messages easily classified as 'ridiculous'. so anyway i was here and he was there this weekend, and i missed him but i had quite a bit of fun. on friday night megan and i got really drunk then went into the quad and met a bunch of people. we all went back to this guy i know named brendan's room to roll a joint and we met more people playing guitar hero and hanging out. i also met this other girl named megan who was my physical anchor for the night as things got a little crazier. we went out to the meadow and smoked and i was CRAZY, i was having a great time but i was so disacossiated. to try to describe it...one possible description was that it was like whereas my mind is usually right up against my eyes and therefore the outside world, i'd pulled my mind back so there was a lot of space between me and my consciousness...or that it was like i wasn't fully present, but not like i was somewhere else but like i wasn't there. like...my sense of being there. personality was all there. hard to explain maybe. anyway i talked to chris for a while and said god knows what and then i was like "hey let's spin!!!" but i was the only one who did. i forgot that spinning works great when you're high or sober but probably not so much when you're drunk, so i fell over pretty quickly, scrapes and bruises on my knees, i got all wet from the grass and other dewy foliage. it was pretty funny though...but roommate megan dragged me back to the group after that and anchor-megan held onto me so i didn't drift away. then megan and i slept til 2:30.
once we finally woke up and ate breakfast i did laundry and read half of one of the two books that was due monday...rough i know...but it was a pretty cool book. persepolis, check it out. i did laundry with two other girls named jackie but i didn't really like either of them. at least my clothes are clean.
saturday night i knew i kinda had to take it easy cause i had a lot of homework on sunday, so megan, wolfgang, harrison and i watched memento. i slept through part of it the only other time i saw it (not a good movie to sleep through really...) so even more was revealed to me and made crazy. then we went to these guys' room cause they're always smoking and smoked with them. they got a fog machine (?) and a strobe light, so they put a glowstick in the bong, turned off the lights and started the party. it looked really cool when people would smoke. it was a weird combination; party fog strobe raving with chilling out and smoking a bowl. cool though. this guy brought in this microwavable kettle corn that was AMAZING so i followed him to this other room where we played video games and ate more. then i started to go to sleep on a bed then i went back to my room and slept the right way.
sunday sucked cause i worked...all day. well like a day's worth. seriously about 8 hours of straight work. i had a midterm in music and i COULD NOT KNOW less about it so i had to basically teach myself the class so far, and i had to make comments on these online posts for the class that i knew nothing about, and read A BOOK AND A HALF and write a one page reflection on the previous week's dumb porter performance. and i got it all done! i couldn't believe myself.
the midterm went...okay. i think.
i had another midterm in human evolution today, but unfortunately i seemed to have used all my focus on sunday so i barely studied. that midterm went...ooooookay. i hate when you get those questions that are like IF I HAD LOOKED OVER MY NOTES ONE TIME i would know the answer to this.
now i have to finish my essay about what else but cultural identity and solo performance.