(HP) The Endlessness That You Fear (P/15)
Please see The Endlessness That You Fear Chapter List for story details including summary, warnings, etc.
The Endlessness That You Fear
Prologue
There are very few certainties in Hermione Granger's life these days, very few things that she can say, without hesitation, that she knows. The things she learned in school, the information gleaned from thousands of books, none of it matters anymore-none of it is real to her. Nothing she's ever read could have prepared her for what her life has become. All that exists in her world now is this dark building below the Muggle streets, her makeshift bed, and the few truths cycling through her mind.
She knows she won't hear the rain, no matter how hard she tries. She knows it's because the rain isn't real, that she's nearly ninety feet below ground and the windows are charmed. She knows she's seen nothing but raindrops dripping down the glass for nearly seven weeks now and supposes it's the building's way of protesting the way it's been mistreated. Knowing this doesn't stop her from being bothered by it. Silence is deafening when it's constant.
She knows that she will fall asleep faster if she sings to herself. She first started this when she was very small, on the nights when her parents would go out and leave her with the girl who lived next door, who would spend the entire night sitting on the back porch with her boyfriend and leave Hermione alone in the empty house. Now she closes her eyes and pretends Julie is still just outside, sees herself wearing the white nightie with pink ribbon on the hem her mum bought for her last summer, and she tries not to remember that she's been alone for nearly a month.
She knows her side has lost the war-they must have, it seems-but also knows that it really doesn't matter anymore which side won. She knows Harry is probably dead, and Ron, too. She worries that one day she'll forget to worry about whether all of the people she loves are dead or alive.
She knows her life was saved by a traitor. What she doesn't know is whether allowing such a person to save her makes her a traitor, too. Sometimes, she's sure it does, and sitting here in the dark, it's easy to believe it. If she really thinks on it, she decides this isn't true, and that her guilt is just her mind making chaos out of her swirling emotions, but she finds it easier to blame herself because she tries not to think too much about anything these days.
There are a few other things Hermione knows now, things she would rather not admit to anyone, even herself.
She knows how to cast the Killing Curse, and she knows what it's like to have said curse fly from her wand; she remembers the way her hand tingled and burned as if in shock. She knows what death smells like and knows what a body that's been dead for weeks feels like beneath her fingertips. She knows how much her stomach can hurt after days upon days without food, and knows that rats and cockroaches can be considered an acceptable meal to a starving person. She knows she should have died six weeks ago, and she sometimes wishes she had.
She knows she's probably gone a bit mad down here, all alone, and that if she were to go back in time and meet the Hermione she'd been two months ago, she would scare herself.
She knows that somewhere out there, the man who saved her life is probably looking for her because he's the only one who realises she's not dead. And she knows that even though Snape is a traitor, if she's honest with herself, she hopes that he finds her. She's barely survived this long, and he may be her only chance.
Chapter One
The Endlessness That You Fear
Prologue
There are very few certainties in Hermione Granger's life these days, very few things that she can say, without hesitation, that she knows. The things she learned in school, the information gleaned from thousands of books, none of it matters anymore-none of it is real to her. Nothing she's ever read could have prepared her for what her life has become. All that exists in her world now is this dark building below the Muggle streets, her makeshift bed, and the few truths cycling through her mind.
She knows she won't hear the rain, no matter how hard she tries. She knows it's because the rain isn't real, that she's nearly ninety feet below ground and the windows are charmed. She knows she's seen nothing but raindrops dripping down the glass for nearly seven weeks now and supposes it's the building's way of protesting the way it's been mistreated. Knowing this doesn't stop her from being bothered by it. Silence is deafening when it's constant.
She knows that she will fall asleep faster if she sings to herself. She first started this when she was very small, on the nights when her parents would go out and leave her with the girl who lived next door, who would spend the entire night sitting on the back porch with her boyfriend and leave Hermione alone in the empty house. Now she closes her eyes and pretends Julie is still just outside, sees herself wearing the white nightie with pink ribbon on the hem her mum bought for her last summer, and she tries not to remember that she's been alone for nearly a month.
She knows her side has lost the war-they must have, it seems-but also knows that it really doesn't matter anymore which side won. She knows Harry is probably dead, and Ron, too. She worries that one day she'll forget to worry about whether all of the people she loves are dead or alive.
She knows her life was saved by a traitor. What she doesn't know is whether allowing such a person to save her makes her a traitor, too. Sometimes, she's sure it does, and sitting here in the dark, it's easy to believe it. If she really thinks on it, she decides this isn't true, and that her guilt is just her mind making chaos out of her swirling emotions, but she finds it easier to blame herself because she tries not to think too much about anything these days.
There are a few other things Hermione knows now, things she would rather not admit to anyone, even herself.
She knows how to cast the Killing Curse, and she knows what it's like to have said curse fly from her wand; she remembers the way her hand tingled and burned as if in shock. She knows what death smells like and knows what a body that's been dead for weeks feels like beneath her fingertips. She knows how much her stomach can hurt after days upon days without food, and knows that rats and cockroaches can be considered an acceptable meal to a starving person. She knows she should have died six weeks ago, and she sometimes wishes she had.
She knows she's probably gone a bit mad down here, all alone, and that if she were to go back in time and meet the Hermione she'd been two months ago, she would scare herself.
She knows that somewhere out there, the man who saved her life is probably looking for her because he's the only one who realises she's not dead. And she knows that even though Snape is a traitor, if she's honest with herself, she hopes that he finds her. She's barely survived this long, and he may be her only chance.
Chapter One