Am I in your heart?
Today was supposed to be a good day but someone really destroyed it. REALLY RUINED MY DAY. Krizia, it's not you nor is it Luis. I'm actually happy about what he did for you today despite my grudge against him. I think I'm starting to see his good side.
Something else happened. And it got me thinking. Am I the first in anyone's heart? Don't just tell me that yamapi loves me because we all know that's not reality. I don't want to drown myself in my little delusions just to make myself feel better. I know I love yamapi but I don't want to just wait & hope in vain.
If I ask "am I in your heart?", I don't just mean in the romantic aspect. Sure, people say I'm good. People say I'm kind. People would always give compliments but am I really of importance to you? Or are you just trying to get close to me for the perks you can get from me? Whenever I'm in trouble you always say that you're there for me. You always say that you'll back me up but what? When a situation comes, what do you do? Nothing. I always thought you were someone I can call my "sister" figuratively speaking. I keep trying to deny my assumptions about you. I always tried defending you when I knew you were right. I always tried being the best person you wanted me to be. But whenever we're in a certain situation, you would always suddenly change your personality for some reason. You would start ignoring me just to make yourself the center of attention. Well, you are always very successful in doing that, aren't you? You always get to make yourself look so high & mighty when you try to step down on me. You would always think that whatever you do is fine because you always think I'd try to understand your actions and you'd think that eventually I'd get over whatever you do all the time and I'd accept the fact that you APPEAR so much better than me. You always try to ruin my appearance to make yourself look so godly beside me. You would try to get whatever I did and take credit for it. You would do anything to keep me staying there. Under you. Following what you say while you are up there expecting me to do what you want. And whenever someone would compliment me, what would you say? You'd just say "So?". I can't forget the last time you said that. I still have it in my mind. You're so numb about others' feelings. You don't know when it is enough already. I just hope you would learn to understand the message I'm trying to send here.
I'm saying this now because I've had enough already. I don't want to keep thinking that you're actually someone special to me because I can't find any reason why you are. Maybe my past knowledge about you are just images you keep presenting to me to make you seem like a good person but seriously. It's so obvious. And I'm telling you. I've had enough of you. I'm so sick of it. I don't want it anymore. I know & I'm sure that you don't consider me as someone special. So why should I do the same to you? It would just appear like I can't survive without you but honestly, I can live a good life even without you. I don't want to be part of your act anymore. I've had enough.
So, am I the best in anyone's heart?
I don't think so.
I don't have a reason to do so.
Now tell me if I do.
This entry might be surprising to some of you. An entry which you can't really describe as positive. And to think that my entry is like this after a long time that I did not update. It can be quite different but I can't help it. I don't think anyone would want to listen. Everyone would just think that I'm there to listen to what they say but I'm never the person in their mind who would rant.
PS. I'm not emo. I'm not that low to be emo. I'm just disappointed that I kept expecting something from some person which I cannot really get.
Sorry for the extra-long rant entry. I will not hide it in a cut because hiding it in a cut would mean that I'm still hiding something, even something that is really small but at this time, I don't want to keep it in anymore. I just want to let it out. I'm sorry if this entry bothers you. It's just that this problem really bothers me.
I really thank my brother for learning to understand. Even if I don't really tell him personal stuff, he'd do things that can make people happy. Just like now that I'm feeling so depressed, the least that he's doing now is playing songs that can make me feel better.
I hope the person I mentioned earlier could learn to be like my brother because that person is so numb. And it's so sickening how numb that person is because that person doesn't even try to understand.
Something else happened. And it got me thinking. Am I the first in anyone's heart? Don't just tell me that yamapi loves me because we all know that's not reality. I don't want to drown myself in my little delusions just to make myself feel better. I know I love yamapi but I don't want to just wait & hope in vain.
If I ask "am I in your heart?", I don't just mean in the romantic aspect. Sure, people say I'm good. People say I'm kind. People would always give compliments but am I really of importance to you? Or are you just trying to get close to me for the perks you can get from me? Whenever I'm in trouble you always say that you're there for me. You always say that you'll back me up but what? When a situation comes, what do you do? Nothing. I always thought you were someone I can call my "sister" figuratively speaking. I keep trying to deny my assumptions about you. I always tried defending you when I knew you were right. I always tried being the best person you wanted me to be. But whenever we're in a certain situation, you would always suddenly change your personality for some reason. You would start ignoring me just to make yourself the center of attention. Well, you are always very successful in doing that, aren't you? You always get to make yourself look so high & mighty when you try to step down on me. You would always think that whatever you do is fine because you always think I'd try to understand your actions and you'd think that eventually I'd get over whatever you do all the time and I'd accept the fact that you APPEAR so much better than me. You always try to ruin my appearance to make yourself look so godly beside me. You would try to get whatever I did and take credit for it. You would do anything to keep me staying there. Under you. Following what you say while you are up there expecting me to do what you want. And whenever someone would compliment me, what would you say? You'd just say "So?". I can't forget the last time you said that. I still have it in my mind. You're so numb about others' feelings. You don't know when it is enough already. I just hope you would learn to understand the message I'm trying to send here.
I'm saying this now because I've had enough already. I don't want to keep thinking that you're actually someone special to me because I can't find any reason why you are. Maybe my past knowledge about you are just images you keep presenting to me to make you seem like a good person but seriously. It's so obvious. And I'm telling you. I've had enough of you. I'm so sick of it. I don't want it anymore. I know & I'm sure that you don't consider me as someone special. So why should I do the same to you? It would just appear like I can't survive without you but honestly, I can live a good life even without you. I don't want to be part of your act anymore. I've had enough.
So, am I the best in anyone's heart?
I don't think so.
I don't have a reason to do so.
Now tell me if I do.
This entry might be surprising to some of you. An entry which you can't really describe as positive. And to think that my entry is like this after a long time that I did not update. It can be quite different but I can't help it. I don't think anyone would want to listen. Everyone would just think that I'm there to listen to what they say but I'm never the person in their mind who would rant.
PS. I'm not emo. I'm not that low to be emo. I'm just disappointed that I kept expecting something from some person which I cannot really get.
Sorry for the extra-long rant entry. I will not hide it in a cut because hiding it in a cut would mean that I'm still hiding something, even something that is really small but at this time, I don't want to keep it in anymore. I just want to let it out. I'm sorry if this entry bothers you. It's just that this problem really bothers me.
I really thank my brother for learning to understand. Even if I don't really tell him personal stuff, he'd do things that can make people happy. Just like now that I'm feeling so depressed, the least that he's doing now is playing songs that can make me feel better.
I hope the person I mentioned earlier could learn to be like my brother because that person is so numb. And it's so sickening how numb that person is because that person doesn't even try to understand.