Now I lay me down to sleep...
Tried, but couldn't sleep. My head's pounding, my nose is running, my eyes too...
I needed someplace to put these thoughts. There are no sharp objects, guns or weapons near me now. Just my own lost heart full of fear, worry, doubt, and feelings that have no place to go...
*~*~*~*
I lay in bed, my spouse sleeping quietly next to me, the anguish, the uncertainty, the frustration, the loneliness, it just... it just wells up in me. The emotions are so overwhelming I can't fight them...
They won't stop. Even now, they won't stop. I've tried to keep them back. I've cried enough, quite frankly, over the last month and a-half, I've cried enough. But I'm at the end of my rope and at the end of that rope my hope is turned to despair.
I haven't lost a child - for that God, I am thankful. And blessed. They are great boys and they love us and we them. And our youngest will turn 12 on the 11th of September. God I'm thankful and yet...
I lay next to my spouse, the man with whom I celebrated 22 years of marriage on August 22. We beat the odds, baby. We did. Most of the couples around us are separated, divorced. Torn. Devoured.
But on July 14 it all changed, truth be told, it started before that because when you take a man and he gives 15 years of his service and devotion to a job, and that job takes him, hollows him out, devours his self-worth, makes him feel less than a man. THEN July 14th happens...
That man walks around your life, a shell of who he was before. And I'm alone.
Tonight, I lay next to him, head pounding, 'cause it's weird swimming in a pool while the tears flow. Tears always make my head hurt. Like a hangover only this is after too much worry, anxiety and fear.
It's daily, in the shower, alone. When no one sees the concerns of the past two months overwhelm me. The tears flow next to the cleansing water.
It should feel good to let these go. But after a while, crying alone just feels so... lonely.
So I lay next to my husband of over 22 years tonight, and the tears find me. Dammit. I fight them, he doesn't need to see me. He doesn't need to feel guilty for my sorrow. He's had enough of his own, too many of his own. He needs me to be strong, the kids need at least one functioning parent...
So I lay next to him while he sleeps, forcing back the tears that just push and push and push. So I sob quietly as I can, but the pushing won't stop. I think holding them back was worse. They're like a punch to the gut, and they're so strong, so strong I run to the bathroom and throw up.
Now, I sit at my desk, back in my office, and I let it all go. I need to be strong for them but ... who is going to be strong for me?
Oh shit. Longest hangover ever. It began on July 14.
I needed someplace to put these thoughts. There are no sharp objects, guns or weapons near me now. Just my own lost heart full of fear, worry, doubt, and feelings that have no place to go...
*~*~*~*
I lay in bed, my spouse sleeping quietly next to me, the anguish, the uncertainty, the frustration, the loneliness, it just... it just wells up in me. The emotions are so overwhelming I can't fight them...
They won't stop. Even now, they won't stop. I've tried to keep them back. I've cried enough, quite frankly, over the last month and a-half, I've cried enough. But I'm at the end of my rope and at the end of that rope my hope is turned to despair.
I haven't lost a child - for that God, I am thankful. And blessed. They are great boys and they love us and we them. And our youngest will turn 12 on the 11th of September. God I'm thankful and yet...
I lay next to my spouse, the man with whom I celebrated 22 years of marriage on August 22. We beat the odds, baby. We did. Most of the couples around us are separated, divorced. Torn. Devoured.
But on July 14 it all changed, truth be told, it started before that because when you take a man and he gives 15 years of his service and devotion to a job, and that job takes him, hollows him out, devours his self-worth, makes him feel less than a man. THEN July 14th happens...
That man walks around your life, a shell of who he was before. And I'm alone.
Tonight, I lay next to him, head pounding, 'cause it's weird swimming in a pool while the tears flow. Tears always make my head hurt. Like a hangover only this is after too much worry, anxiety and fear.
It's daily, in the shower, alone. When no one sees the concerns of the past two months overwhelm me. The tears flow next to the cleansing water.
It should feel good to let these go. But after a while, crying alone just feels so... lonely.
So I lay next to my husband of over 22 years tonight, and the tears find me. Dammit. I fight them, he doesn't need to see me. He doesn't need to feel guilty for my sorrow. He's had enough of his own, too many of his own. He needs me to be strong, the kids need at least one functioning parent...
So I lay next to him while he sleeps, forcing back the tears that just push and push and push. So I sob quietly as I can, but the pushing won't stop. I think holding them back was worse. They're like a punch to the gut, and they're so strong, so strong I run to the bathroom and throw up.
Now, I sit at my desk, back in my office, and I let it all go. I need to be strong for them but ... who is going to be strong for me?
Oh shit. Longest hangover ever. It began on July 14.