Connections...
Well tonight I was stopped short of making a big mistake. Well before I got stopped it sounded good to me and the only viable answer. I was told by my woman that I'm addicted to connections and she wasn't going to go through the same shit as before. You know what my reaction to that was? Block everyone. Why you ask? Because if I do not have a chance to connect with anyone, then there will be no problems or a fear that one will happen. It seems I flirt and tease too much and now I can't think, speak, or feel anything that is my own. Everyone else picks up on it before I can do anything about it. If I talk to Hollie about it, it ends up as one more bad mark against me and then it is thrust in my face. I can have normal conversations and then it goes to being WAY sexual. It just happens, then I get paranoid, especially if the person says they have a connection with me. Too many times of being burned and having to pick up the pieces, and having to get everything back to being right with Hollie. I'm too emotional and it seems that now it's just oozing out of me. I want to talk and help people, except some also develop sexual tension and that is what kills everything. It doesn't matter if they started it, I still give off the fuck me vibe it seems. Interestingly enough I had a convo with Lisha on AIM today which was totally unexpected. I tell Hollie and she gets that look on her face, the not again look. Then proceeds to ask so she wants to meet up right? When that wasn't why she even AIMd me in the first place. Anymore the whole open talking thing just makes me feel so ashamed I even opened my damned mouth. I cherish people so much if I start getting to know them and then take them to heart. I still don't know why I do this, but I do. It sucks so fucking bad and I still do it. No matter how many times I get fucked over and things get rocky with Hollie. *shakes head*
I was going to wait till about this time to block everyone, but instead I was compelled to do the blocking earlier. Except seconds after I got on AIM, a fifteen year old girl that I'm helping out, with going through the ackward stages of getting a boyfriend, AIMd me. After talking with her a bit, I decided that I was being haste and see if I could work things out. Try being less than myself, which would be hard, to say the least. Find that part that triggers the connections and kill it. Some people don't know how good of a friend they truly are, even the ones that you occasionally help out with their problems. Things didn't get so bad till after my rune broke and that spirit guy showed up. Even now I keep looking over my shoulder, because I feel like I'm being watched. Like all the shit I'm going through is for a reason and he knows it. My weather control is dead on my emotions anymore, and also right over my house normally. I'm making quicker connections where the person can feel me sending energy to them. I'm always questioning it, making sure it's real and not imagined. It is a good feeling and it is also linked sexually which sucks and makes sense. But today it wasn't totally sexual and the energy flowed. It's like if I'm not focused all the time I talk to the open people, then they get all energized and turned on and such. This is just fucking weird and anymore I can't explain it enough to make it sound right. I'm able to even manifest peoples physical pain, I wish people were just humoring me. Like just fucking with me about it and maybe they are. I'll know and not know for sure. *shrugs* I hate being an empathic, healing, fucking dragon. My head hurts and I'm tired of the bullshit that seems that I'm drawn too.
I was going to wait till about this time to block everyone, but instead I was compelled to do the blocking earlier. Except seconds after I got on AIM, a fifteen year old girl that I'm helping out, with going through the ackward stages of getting a boyfriend, AIMd me. After talking with her a bit, I decided that I was being haste and see if I could work things out. Try being less than myself, which would be hard, to say the least. Find that part that triggers the connections and kill it. Some people don't know how good of a friend they truly are, even the ones that you occasionally help out with their problems. Things didn't get so bad till after my rune broke and that spirit guy showed up. Even now I keep looking over my shoulder, because I feel like I'm being watched. Like all the shit I'm going through is for a reason and he knows it. My weather control is dead on my emotions anymore, and also right over my house normally. I'm making quicker connections where the person can feel me sending energy to them. I'm always questioning it, making sure it's real and not imagined. It is a good feeling and it is also linked sexually which sucks and makes sense. But today it wasn't totally sexual and the energy flowed. It's like if I'm not focused all the time I talk to the open people, then they get all energized and turned on and such. This is just fucking weird and anymore I can't explain it enough to make it sound right. I'm able to even manifest peoples physical pain, I wish people were just humoring me. Like just fucking with me about it and maybe they are. I'll know and not know for sure. *shrugs* I hate being an empathic, healing, fucking dragon. My head hurts and I'm tired of the bullshit that seems that I'm drawn too.