*sighs* I'm not dead, I just wish I was...
Yeah.. its been a long time. Its funny how that happens. So much has happened since my last post, both good and bad. Its mostly been the bad thats been keeping me from writing anything here for so long. I've had a hard time bringing myself to compose an update that deals with it. I can't just leave it out, afterall, even if I do wish it never happened and things were still good. Since my last post, Jarrad moved away and I despaired. We planned to move in together soometime soon after and I visited him twice, and I had hope. Then I was dumped rather suddenly... and I broke. At first I hurt right down to my sanity. If you've never felt that sort of pain, I hope you never do. It makes your whole existance pain, your thoughts literally hurt.. at least, mine did. It was like my mind had experienced a divide by zero error.. I loved him with all my heart and my mind could not process how he could toss me aside so easily. When I found out he already had a thing for someone else it only made it that much worse. The only thing that eventually broke the insanity induceing parts of the pain was finding that he seemed to care that I hurt.. I'm not sure why that helped.. maybe because it was some sign I wasn't completely worthless to him. All the rest of it remained intact though... it pretty much is that way still. I've never felt anything that hurt me so badly. I've always wondered how so many things I feel seem to vanish after I peel them back a few layers.. what I felt for Jarrad was one of the few things that existed all the way down to whatever center that exists within me. I guess thats why the pain of him breaking up with me was so acutely real. Sometimes it feels like it just nests inside me, coiling around my heart and becomeing the essence of what I am. *sighs* Why not? I sometimes wonder if there's really anything else inside of me anyway. Yeah... why not? Needless to say, my will to live vanished. I trashed my bedroom in a fit of greif and tried to kill myself... obviously my plan was flawed since I'm writeing this right now. Well, I can't try that again. Now I'm stuck with life for now. I'm still not certain I want it anymore though, but who knows, something might happen to change my mind about that. I'm not feeling optimistic about that though. I feel like I'm drowning. *sighs* It doesn't help that part of me feels I had this comming. That I should have known better than to get involved with someone who was with someone else. Probably. That doesn't make it hurt less though. The one thing in my life that made me happy, thats ever made me happy, is gone from it. I'm pathetic, I know. I guess I can't help it. What does it matter? In the end I still love him and will probably suffer until I either put myself out of my misery or something happens to resolve my pain. I wonder which will happen first.