oh wow...look what i found...
(i had already written this before; the 1st time andy stopped talking to me)
subject: fuck the war-
entry:
i'm crushed, my lungs don't want to expand anymore. maybe i should stop trying for this last breath of you. maybe i shouldn't care, maybe i never should have cared...but i did, and i still do, and you don't fucking care. no emotions...nothing. i want this time...with you! we started this with the understanding that one day this would come. i tried to be prepared for this...i thought i was prepared. i tried not to get too close...and i failed. but these months meant everything to me, and for you to just push me away so quickly...i can't do this. i want this time! i need this fucking time...but it doesn't matter what i want...you're leaving me, and obviously you succeeded in not becoming attached. you want this...you've been waiting for this for years, and i'm not holding that against you. i'm not angry that you're leaving, or upset about what you'll have to go through, and where you'll be...until it gets to you going over to iraq. that is what bothers me the most about you leaving...and the fact that we can't have the rest of your time here together...at all! did any of this mean anything to you, or was it just for someone to care about you, someone to use and throw away in the end. this all happened pretty fucking quick here...and i don't know why, and i won't understand until you talk to me! i need to understand to let you go, to get over this, so you can leave without feeling guilty. i know you don't want any attachments when you leave, you don't want to feel bad, or see/hear anyone else feeling bad. i have some major coping i need to do, and obviously way too much time to think about you...and i can't sleep...i've had sleeping problems before...but nothing like this. i wish so much that you would have came to my birthday party...i needed you there so fucking bad, and you weren't there, because i made you feel bad about leaving...because i told you that i didn't want you to go...that's my fucking concern...you're going to end up in iraq! why would i want you to go? how can i support this to my fullest when you don't even have the confidence in yourself that you can come back from iraq! am i being the selfish one here?
subject: fuck the war-
entry:
i'm crushed, my lungs don't want to expand anymore. maybe i should stop trying for this last breath of you. maybe i shouldn't care, maybe i never should have cared...but i did, and i still do, and you don't fucking care. no emotions...nothing. i want this time...with you! we started this with the understanding that one day this would come. i tried to be prepared for this...i thought i was prepared. i tried not to get too close...and i failed. but these months meant everything to me, and for you to just push me away so quickly...i can't do this. i want this time! i need this fucking time...but it doesn't matter what i want...you're leaving me, and obviously you succeeded in not becoming attached. you want this...you've been waiting for this for years, and i'm not holding that against you. i'm not angry that you're leaving, or upset about what you'll have to go through, and where you'll be...until it gets to you going over to iraq. that is what bothers me the most about you leaving...and the fact that we can't have the rest of your time here together...at all! did any of this mean anything to you, or was it just for someone to care about you, someone to use and throw away in the end. this all happened pretty fucking quick here...and i don't know why, and i won't understand until you talk to me! i need to understand to let you go, to get over this, so you can leave without feeling guilty. i know you don't want any attachments when you leave, you don't want to feel bad, or see/hear anyone else feeling bad. i have some major coping i need to do, and obviously way too much time to think about you...and i can't sleep...i've had sleeping problems before...but nothing like this. i wish so much that you would have came to my birthday party...i needed you there so fucking bad, and you weren't there, because i made you feel bad about leaving...because i told you that i didn't want you to go...that's my fucking concern...you're going to end up in iraq! why would i want you to go? how can i support this to my fullest when you don't even have the confidence in yourself that you can come back from iraq! am i being the selfish one here?