been awhile
So here i am. Updating the journal i started in the 9th grade lol. Im in a serious relationship, Joe Kopp. He is amazing. I love him dearly. He doesnt love me though. He'll never love me. I have a black lab named Tazzy. We live in his apartment. He pays the rent. I pay cable/phone/internet. We're opposites. He smokes weed and has for 10 years. BTW he is 33 yo. I found out i can't have children. It makes me sad that i can't even have the option. He doesn't want kids, or marriage. I am ok with that.
I stay because i love and he keeps me around because its easier than dealing with the change. His Best Friend Zack moved in with us not too long ago. He and I have become rather good friends. But i see him as a brother. I think Joe thinks that there is something going on. Ewww.
In about a month or so, i'll be starting my training for my NA certification. Ill be making 300 a week give or take. In about a week ill be racieving 3000 dollars from school and taxes.
Back to Joe. I know that he cares. I see it when he looks at me and he thinks that i don't know. His smile means everything to me. But where are we going? He would rather be alone most of the time and his female friends don't come over anymore because of my jealousy issues. They think that i hate them. I have very few people in my life that i trust. I feel like Joe wants out. He won't tell me that because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I would give him his wish if i could afford an apartment of my own and take tazzy with me. I just want him to be happy. He says now that he is going to quit smoking ciggs and weed and drinking. I should be happy right? I wish that i could be everything that he wanted but im not. I put him firt and have neglected myself. Lately i have been going to the gym and working out. I need to get thin and tan and look hot for me not for him. I want to be better. I hate that i look like this. I can't even take pics with my friends because all i see is my fat ass, face, and belly.
More often lately i just keep hearing rob and steve in my ear calling me fatass and ugly. I dont wanna feel that way. If Joe doesn't find me attractive than I can't be happy either. He's too nice to say anything.
Its so old. all of it. Our relationship is boring to him. I know because im bored lately too. Our sex life is so boring he only has sex with me like twice a month. I keep going back to Rob and i feel the same ominous feeling in this relationship that i felt in that one. I dont think that Joe is cheating. But i feel like he feels trapped in something that he doesn't want to be in.
On the other hand, I am young. Am i missing out on some of the most important stages in my life? College Partying and the whole party girl experience? Should i be out enjoying myself all nights of the week once i get into shape? I don't really want to but i think that my dislike for the bars will change once i feel hot enough to belong in them. I feel my sexuality changing. I feel sexier and more awake. I am feeling more and more sensation when we have sex and when i masterbate.
I am so confused. I dont know which aspect of my career i should take. Should i go to SUNY Cortland and get a general in Psych? Or should i search for a specialized school and move without Joe.
I feel that there is a crutial moment in our relationship coming to a point. It may be shit or get off the pot time. I hope he decides to keep me. Further yet i hope that i decide to stay. I love him. Love isn't everything. Maybe my birthday will be my emancipation.
Whatever the decision i will NOT go back to my Mom i am stronger than that now! I am better than that now. I will land on my feet. I am a strong and independant woman.
I stay because i love and he keeps me around because its easier than dealing with the change. His Best Friend Zack moved in with us not too long ago. He and I have become rather good friends. But i see him as a brother. I think Joe thinks that there is something going on. Ewww.
In about a month or so, i'll be starting my training for my NA certification. Ill be making 300 a week give or take. In about a week ill be racieving 3000 dollars from school and taxes.
Back to Joe. I know that he cares. I see it when he looks at me and he thinks that i don't know. His smile means everything to me. But where are we going? He would rather be alone most of the time and his female friends don't come over anymore because of my jealousy issues. They think that i hate them. I have very few people in my life that i trust. I feel like Joe wants out. He won't tell me that because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I would give him his wish if i could afford an apartment of my own and take tazzy with me. I just want him to be happy. He says now that he is going to quit smoking ciggs and weed and drinking. I should be happy right? I wish that i could be everything that he wanted but im not. I put him firt and have neglected myself. Lately i have been going to the gym and working out. I need to get thin and tan and look hot for me not for him. I want to be better. I hate that i look like this. I can't even take pics with my friends because all i see is my fat ass, face, and belly.
More often lately i just keep hearing rob and steve in my ear calling me fatass and ugly. I dont wanna feel that way. If Joe doesn't find me attractive than I can't be happy either. He's too nice to say anything.
Its so old. all of it. Our relationship is boring to him. I know because im bored lately too. Our sex life is so boring he only has sex with me like twice a month. I keep going back to Rob and i feel the same ominous feeling in this relationship that i felt in that one. I dont think that Joe is cheating. But i feel like he feels trapped in something that he doesn't want to be in.
On the other hand, I am young. Am i missing out on some of the most important stages in my life? College Partying and the whole party girl experience? Should i be out enjoying myself all nights of the week once i get into shape? I don't really want to but i think that my dislike for the bars will change once i feel hot enough to belong in them. I feel my sexuality changing. I feel sexier and more awake. I am feeling more and more sensation when we have sex and when i masterbate.
I am so confused. I dont know which aspect of my career i should take. Should i go to SUNY Cortland and get a general in Psych? Or should i search for a specialized school and move without Joe.
I feel that there is a crutial moment in our relationship coming to a point. It may be shit or get off the pot time. I hope he decides to keep me. Further yet i hope that i decide to stay. I love him. Love isn't everything. Maybe my birthday will be my emancipation.
Whatever the decision i will NOT go back to my Mom i am stronger than that now! I am better than that now. I will land on my feet. I am a strong and independant woman.