Slightly edited and fully charged
A Music Proposal (as in, A Modest Proposal... get it?)
Jack Martin
Piper Staff
Shakespeare once wrote, “If music be the food of love, play on.” Since then, times have changed a bit. An anthem for today should probably read, “If music be the food of acceptance, eat up!”
Society has been telling teenagers to exclusively listen to mainstream music for years, and most lost and lonely high-schoolers are more than willing to embrace and adhere to this system of social submission.
Now, this is all quite good, but there are still those who are yet to indulge in the media’s view of musical expression. You’ve seen these troublemakers walking around our McNary halls, dressing unlike us and being original.
Obviously, this has got to stop as soon as possible; that is why I am writing this Music Proposal in the first place. There needs to be a way to help these lost souls stuck in a world of unsigned bands without music videos.
Thus, for any of these poor fools not yet sucked into America’s (God bless) mainstream, I offer a basic, step-by-step guide to musical conformism.
Step 1: Well, we obviously don’t want everyone to be alike, so your first step is to choose your Label. This is very important; as it will decide which music you will be allowed to listen to. You can choose anything you like, whether it be Pop, Metal, or even Emo. Don’t mix and match much more than you must though. You are not, for example, allowed to be all three of the above-mentioned Labels, because someone who likes Pop doesn’t like Metal. Don’t worry if your Label isn’t the same as your friends, because they’re not your friends anymore. You already have tons of new friends in your Label Group, and they all enjoy the exact same thing as you. You’re on your way to being accepted!
Step 2: So now that you’ve got your Label, what do you do? It’s easy! First, get about 200 dollars. How you do it is up to you. Try getting a job, but make sure to ask your friends in your Label Group if it’s a cool enough job first. Maybe your parents will let you use some of your college money, or maybe they leave some money somewhere in the house. Once you have got the money, return to your Label Group. Ask them what kind of music they listen to and what CDs they have. Good job! You’ve now collected enough information to do Step 3!
Step 3: Become your Label. It’s really easy. Take that money and the list of your new friends’ music to a cool music store and buy everything you can. Don’t worry that CDs cost a fortune and you could have just burned them off your computer, that CD case and cover make it evident to everyone around that you’re cool enough to like that band. Use any leftover money to dress like your friends.
Congratulations, you’re now officially cool. Go hang out with your Label Group and gossip/start a band/do illegal things. Don’t forget not to associate with other Labels; they’re not like you and you don’t like each other; you’re part of a Label now and need to start acting like it. It gets a lot easier as time goes on, and you can look forward to new Label Group members to help out and show your CDs.
Until next time: Get your swimsuit on and jump into the pool of the masses. Don’t make us throw you in.
Disclaimer: No worries, just because you are now in a Label Group does not mean you can no longer claim to be depressed and troubled.
Jack Martin
Piper Staff
Shakespeare once wrote, “If music be the food of love, play on.” Since then, times have changed a bit. An anthem for today should probably read, “If music be the food of acceptance, eat up!”
Society has been telling teenagers to exclusively listen to mainstream music for years, and most lost and lonely high-schoolers are more than willing to embrace and adhere to this system of social submission.
Now, this is all quite good, but there are still those who are yet to indulge in the media’s view of musical expression. You’ve seen these troublemakers walking around our McNary halls, dressing unlike us and being original.
Obviously, this has got to stop as soon as possible; that is why I am writing this Music Proposal in the first place. There needs to be a way to help these lost souls stuck in a world of unsigned bands without music videos.
Thus, for any of these poor fools not yet sucked into America’s (God bless) mainstream, I offer a basic, step-by-step guide to musical conformism.
Step 1: Well, we obviously don’t want everyone to be alike, so your first step is to choose your Label. This is very important; as it will decide which music you will be allowed to listen to. You can choose anything you like, whether it be Pop, Metal, or even Emo. Don’t mix and match much more than you must though. You are not, for example, allowed to be all three of the above-mentioned Labels, because someone who likes Pop doesn’t like Metal. Don’t worry if your Label isn’t the same as your friends, because they’re not your friends anymore. You already have tons of new friends in your Label Group, and they all enjoy the exact same thing as you. You’re on your way to being accepted!
Step 2: So now that you’ve got your Label, what do you do? It’s easy! First, get about 200 dollars. How you do it is up to you. Try getting a job, but make sure to ask your friends in your Label Group if it’s a cool enough job first. Maybe your parents will let you use some of your college money, or maybe they leave some money somewhere in the house. Once you have got the money, return to your Label Group. Ask them what kind of music they listen to and what CDs they have. Good job! You’ve now collected enough information to do Step 3!
Step 3: Become your Label. It’s really easy. Take that money and the list of your new friends’ music to a cool music store and buy everything you can. Don’t worry that CDs cost a fortune and you could have just burned them off your computer, that CD case and cover make it evident to everyone around that you’re cool enough to like that band. Use any leftover money to dress like your friends.
Congratulations, you’re now officially cool. Go hang out with your Label Group and gossip/start a band/do illegal things. Don’t forget not to associate with other Labels; they’re not like you and you don’t like each other; you’re part of a Label now and need to start acting like it. It gets a lot easier as time goes on, and you can look forward to new Label Group members to help out and show your CDs.
Until next time: Get your swimsuit on and jump into the pool of the masses. Don’t make us throw you in.
Disclaimer: No worries, just because you are now in a Label Group does not mean you can no longer claim to be depressed and troubled.