The Saga Continues
The House That Jack Built
Resident Weevil
When he slipped his key into the lock and pushed the door open, Daniel anticipated that he would find the apartment a bit disarrayed-his roommate was not the neatest housekeeper-and after a week of being away at a student dig, a certain amount of debris was to be expected.
What he saw when the door swung wide made him stand and stare-open-mouthed with shock.
“Rodney!” he finally squeaked, dropping his duffle bag and staggering through the kitchen into a chaos of overturned furniture, tossed couch cushions, a disemboweled beanbag chair, and the remains of all the bookshelves lying in the middle of the living area. “RODNEY!”
A head poked up from behind the blotto couch. “What?! Oh, Daniel, thank god you’re home--!”
“What happened? Were we robbed? Are you hurt?”
“What-? No- of course not-- Listen!” Rodney jumped over the couch and shook Daniel by the shoulders to stop him from babbling. “Listen, Daniel! This is important…”
“Wha-“ Daniel’s eyes were glazed… he was staring at his precious books scattered in a heap of bent pages and cracked spines, “it looks like this place was over-run by a band of wild space monkeys or something…”
“Forget the apartment, Daniel! Have you seen my Milla Jovovich DVDs’s?”
“Your… what?! Are you telling me that you tore up OUR home… defiled the sacred pages of Arthur C. Clark… and what did you do to the beanbag chair… that was a present from my-”
“Forget it!” Rodney snarled. He went past Daniel and began to throw open the kitchen cupboards, tossing package of ramen noodles and Kraft Mac-n-Cheese over his shoulder.
“Stop it… RODNEY! STOP! What on earth has gotten into you?”
“Haven’t you been listening?” Rodney asked hissed, “My Milla is missing!”
“They’re just videos, Rod,” Daniel said gently, trying to placate his friend, “and they aren’t even real movies… they’re based on a video game.”
“Not real-you heretic!” Rodney rounded on Daniel. “How dare--? Who’s the guy living in this apartment who has the complete Lara Croft series on HD-DVD… just so he can watch what’s-her-Jolie-name-- excavate!”
“Hey,” Daniel said in a hurt tone, “her name is Angelina… and you’re talking about the woman I love!”
“What’s going on here, boys?”
“Mr. O’Neill!”
Jack sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you… call me Jack!”
“Yes, sir… sorry.” Daniel and Rodney stood for a few moments, having become acutely aware of their destroyed apartment and the fact that they had been shouting at the top of their lungs only a minute before. “Um… very sorry, sir.”
“What’s the donnybrook about, then?” Jack asked, coming into the kitchen, stepping over the pot-noodle packages. “Can’t agree on the new window treatment?”
“Uh, no… we were just… looking for something…”
“Ah.” Jack turned his back on the mess. “Well… I had come up to finish rewiring that outlet in the living room… but seeing as how the living room is now a DMZ, I figure I’ll wait until the weekend.” Rodney and Daniel both hung their heads guiltily, Daniel looking up after a minute when he realized he hadn’t done anything wrong.
Jack shook his head slightly, heading for the exit. He pulled the door after him, then popped it open again and stuck in his head. “Oh, yeah… I got a message for one of you.” Rodney and Daniel turned to look at him. “Sam and Liz said to tell you, ‘thanks for the loaner’.”
“Loaner?”
“Yeah… apparently when the circuit shorted out, it blew the outlet in 320, too. The girls had to borrow your DVD player because theirs got fried.”
“Borrowed…” Rodney’s eyes lit up. “They borrowed… my discs were IN the player! My Milla!” Rodney began to run out of the apartment to retrieve his beloved discs.
Jack threw a strong arm across the threshold, barring him inside. “You can’t have them back… yet.”
“But-why?”
Jack smiled, his scarred left eyebrow twitching a bit. “The ladies are having… a bit of a film festival… no guys allowed.”
Rodney whiffled, torn between fire of his lust and a cold respect for Jack O’Neill. “But. B-but-mine,” he muttered resentfully. “Why would a bunch of girls want to watch my geek-porn?”
Jack shrugged one shoulder as he stepped back into the hall. “Look on the bright side,” he said, “they didn’t find the stash of Uma Thurman that’s hidden in the air vent... or the Selma Hayek tucked behind the cistern.” And then he gently pulled the door closed until the lock clicked.
Rodney stared at Daniel for a long minute. Daniel stared right back at him.
“You slut!”