Fic: Several Girl-on-Girl Encounters the Guys Don't Know About
So, this just kept getting longer.
Featuring Sam/Miko, Janet/Teyla, Vala/Everyone, and Liz/Teyla/Vala/Sam/Janet. Um. *cough* Well, someone had to bring the femslash. There's also a little Rodney/Sam. And some Liz/Ronon. Just because it's so incredibly amusing.
Several Girl-on-Girl Encounters the Guys Don't Know About (And That One Lesbian Orgy They Do)
"Dobrý večer!"
"Elizabeth," Radek greeted her. "Jak se máš?"
"Mám se dobře, děkuji. How's my accent?"
"Quite bad. But improving."
"Promiňte," she apologised sheepishly as he waved her inside. "Oh, hi," she greeted the two other men present.
Rodney, who had taken the chance to steal Radek's seat when he got up to answer the door, was typing furiously away at Radek's laptop, and barely acknowledged her arrival.
Ronon, however, in the kitchenette, looked up from the vegetables he was chopping.
"Hey."
"Ronon, hi! Making dinner?"
"Yes." He raised an eyebrow slightly.
"It um, it looks good. It's really cool that you can cook. Oh, a wok - is it, are you making a stir fry?"
"Liz," Rodney said then, finally noticing her presence, "Hey, you do languages, don't you?"
Relieved to be distracted from what was turning into another exercise in humiliation - otherwise known as every conversation she'd ever had with the inconveniently attractive Professor Dex - she gladly turned to Rodney, saying, "Some of them."
"Do you speak Russian? I'm pretty sure that's what this guy is speaking..."
"Ja govorju russkogo luchshe, chem ja govorju na cheshskom jazyke."
"Huh?"
"Better than I speak Czech," she translated with a grin.
"Whatever. Just come over here and tell this guy at U. of Moscow that I think he's a moron."
"Rodney," Radek scolded, "Leave my guests alone, if you please. Now, Elizabeth, máte přání?"
"Oh, right. Um... I just came to -"
"Again?"
"We always run out! And you're always so well-stocked." She grinned hopefully.
Radek rolled his eyes. "You ladies have a problem, I think. All right, you know where it is, take what you like." He waved her down the hall.
"Thank you, Radek. I mean, děkuji!"
*
"What's she doing in there?" Ronon asked, after watching her leave the room.
"She is raiding my liquor cabinet."
"Liquor? You have liquor?" Rodney raised his head.
"Yes, my secret stash. Or not so secret. Where you cannot get at it, Rodney."
"Oh, but Liz can?"
"Yes, but what she borrows, she returns. She and the other girls - it is for their little party, upstairs. They make their cocktails and play their music..."
"Oh," Rodney snorted. "Girls night."
"Wild times?" Ronon said wryly.
"Please. Wild? Even with Vala there - you know they're just sitting around watching ridiculous romantic comedies like, I don't know, Pretty Woman? And painting their nails, and braiding each other's hair -"
"And talking about us," Ronon added.
"Exactly. They probably can't even hear Julia Roberts over all the gossiping."
"So... Not like these video files you have on your computer in the hidden folders, Rodney? The 'girls gone wild', yes? I have wondered," Radek admitted.
"Somehow, I doubt it," Ronon chuckled, while Rodney was still too busy spluttering over having his porn stash discovered.
"Um," Liz reappeared, arms full of bottles. "Hey, so, I found what I needed. Thanks again, Radek. Um, I was just wondering, would any of you happen to have any massage oil?"
*
"You did what?"
"Asked to borrow some massage oil," Liz repeated. "And Professor Dex had some. Is that weird? Who do you think he's massaging? We'd know if he had a girlfriend, right? I mean, we would have seen her around. Right?"
"Liz," Sam said, "Focus."
"Not that I care if he has a girlfriend. I'm just saying -"
"Liz!" Liz stopped, and looked at her. "Massage oil?"
"Well they were saying all that stuff about us!"
"But they did not know you were listening," Teyla clarified.
"That's not the point," she insisted indignantly. "They made it sound like we were... boring. And they were being really sexist about it, too!"
"So..." Janet prompted.
"Oh, so then I asked to borrow the oil. And maybe, sort of, implied that we'd be... using it. On each other. In a sexy way."
Sam made a face. "Ew?"
"I just wanted to mess with their heads! They were being rude! I didn't mean we'd actually do it."
Upon hearing this, Vala, who had been inspecting the bottle of massage oil with interest, tossed it aside with a huff of irritation. "Then can we at least get back to making cocktails?"
*
"'Pretty Woman'! They think we do our nails and watch 'Pretty Woman'? The most hideous example of highly commercialised mainstream misogyny thinly disguised as a romantic comedy ever created?"
"They think we watch romantic comedies?" Janet said.
"I hate Julia Roberts," Sam muttered.
"Horrible woman," Vala agreed mildly. "I do like her hair, though. And she's very successful."
They had settled in Liz's room with their freshly made round of cocktails. It was neater than the rest of the apartment, and Janet had wanted to use the bed to examine people. Right now, Sam was lying flat while Janet palpated her abdomen.
Vala and Teyla were on the floor, Teyla propped against the closet with her ankles crossed, Vala stretched out on her stomach, sipping her drink through a straw and flipping through a magazine.
Liz, meanwhile, was seated in the swivel chair at her desk, rotating slowly as she waved her arms around and continued to give voice to her ire.
"And!" she said, excited as she remembered something else. "They think we talk about them. As if we don't have anything better to discuss than men! They're probably down there, right now, picturing us up here talking about them."
"Which isn't what we're doing, of course," Janet murmured, making Sam smile.
"Only because they were jerks! I mean, seriously, 'Pretty Woman'?"
"Are you not forgetting something?" Teyla broke into the start of another diatribe. When they all looked at her she said, "The last time we did this - the five of us - Vala painted all our toenails. We've also spoken of men many times, and eaten chocolate, and watched movies featuring Julia Roberts -"
"Once," Liz protested. "And 'Erin Brokovich' doesn't count."
"While I agree that may be true..."
"We're not boring," Sam said, from where she was still lying on the bed - though Janet had long since stopped pretending to be studying. "I get why Liz is mad. They make us sound like a giant cliché. It's not fair."
"Right, we could be getting up to all sorts of wild things in here," Liz said, nodding.
"'Wild' as in sensually massaging each other?" Teyla asked wryly.
"Yeah, I don't think they really bought it. But how would they know?"
"It's not as if there isn't precedence." Vala flicked a page of her magazine over.
"Girls," Janet spoke up, "As much as I'd like to say 'wild' is us, I'm afraid I'm with Teyla on this one."
"Oh please," Vala snorted. "It's always the quiet ones. I keep expecting Liz to jump all of us at any moment, for one thing."
Teyla, Janet and Sam looked at Vala. Then shifted their gaze over to Liz - who was, in fact, not looking surprised at Vala's claim, but rather annoyed instead.
"That," she said, "Was a complete misunderstanding and besides, I thought you promised not to say anything."
Unperturbed, Vala just shrugged. "These things always come out in the end. Emphasis on the 'coming out' part."
Realising the other three were still staring at her, Liz held up her hands. "There's a completely rational explanation."
Janet leaned over to reclaim her glass from the bedside table. "I can't wait to hear it," she said.
*
"Hey Liz," Sam greeted her as she let herself in. Sam didn't actually look up, of course, sitting cross-legged at the coffee table, dividing her attention between a pile of print-outs and her laptop.
"Hey," Liz replied, setting her messenger bag on the counter and moving to the fridge.
"Oh," Sam said then, as Liz was deciding between two day old pizza and going to the trouble of preparing something that actually resembled real food, "Hey, have you noticed anything weird about Vala lately?"
She froze, hand outstretched towards the Dominoes box.
"Vala?"
"Yeah, she dropped by a few minutes ago and left something for you there by the phone. I don't know what, but she said it was really, really important. Actually, she said 'really' like eight times and made me swear to see that you got it. Then she asked whether this was a one-bedroom apartment. Weird, right?" Sam finished absently. "I mean, even for Vala?"
Wincing in trepidation, Liz let the refrigerator door swing shut and turned to see what was waiting for her on the counter.
It was a flier for the campus Annual Queer Alliance Ball, and written across it in black marker were the words, 'Want to go?'
"Liz?" Sam prompted over the clacking of keys.
"Have you ever had someone pursuing you? When you didn't want them to. Not stalking, really, I don't think it's got to the stalking point yet, but..." She trailed off as she realised Sam had finally looked up from her computer. "Oh right. Rodney. Sorry."
Sam returned to what she was doing, glowering a little now. Liz went back to staring at the brightly-coloured flier.
It had all started about a week ago.
She'd been at Murray's, minding her own business, just having some lunch, when Vala slid into the seat across from her.
What followed was a conversation that began in typical Vala fashion: "So, Elizabeth, tell me, how's your sex life?"
And ended with Vala convinced that Liz was a lesbian.
And yes, she might have mentioned her long-distance relationship with Simon wasn't going so well. And that between studying, and living in a mad house, and pretending to be interested in learning conversational Czech just so she could spend more time in a certain Anthropology professor's apartment, she was thinking of giving up on men altogether.
She might have been having a bad day, and so been rather vehement about the whole thing.
And now Vala kept texting her, suggesting they meet up at the gay bar a few blocks away. And emailing her websites that would apparently help her explore her orientation - if she hadn't been so freaked out by the front page of that first one alone that she hadn't looked at her computer again for three days.
She also found herself mysteriously signed up for a lesbian erotica book club that met Thursday nights off campus and was run by a lovely woman named Marjory who couldn't wait to meet her.
And now this.
"Liz?" Sam prompted again.
"She won't leave me alone!" she wailed.
"Who, Vala? Look, whatever it is," Sam told her reasonably, "It's Vala. You know she won't let it go until you give her what she wants."
It was true, Liz knew. Cam and John lived their entire lives according to that very edict.
"Okay," she breathed, steeling her resolve. "Give her what she wants. I can do that."
It was a good thing it was Vala who answered the door when Liz knocked. Because throwing herself at Cam or John and kissing the hell out of them kind of would have defeated the purpose.
Having travelled several steps over the threshold with the momentum provided from launching herself bodily at Vala, she was glad to find, once she pulled her lips off Vala's, that they did not have an audience. The apartment seemed empty, excepting of course her, standing there clutching Vala's face, and Vala, who was done being surprised and was starting to smile.
"You were right," she panted. "I'm gay! I just couldn't admit it!"
"Really." Vala licked her lips, reaching up to wipe the corner of her mouth. "That's fascinating. I mean I was only teasing about the whole thing, but," she shrugged, "I suppose behind every joke there's an ounce of truth. Or, in your case, a lot of it." Stepping back then, she took Liz's hands in her own. "I'm so glad I could help you accept yourself for who you truly are."
"No, wait, I'm not - I only did that so you would -"
Vala clucked her tongue. "There's no shame in it, you know."
"I know that! I mean, no! It's just that I'm not really -"
"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." Vala winked exaggeratedly.
Liz sighed.
*
"Oh yes," Vala said. "A completely rational explanation." She shook her head and tutted at Liz. "The sooner you come to terms with your sexuality, the sooner you'll be able to enjoy it."
Liz looked to the other three hopefully. Surely they believed her.
Teyla merely smiled.
Janet shrugged and drank some more.
Sam, a complete lightweight, who'd had exactly two-thirds of a standard drink and was now well on her way to good cheer, rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin on her arms. "I kissed a girl last week," she said conversationally. "Well, she kissed me, technically."
There was a lengthy silence.
Into which Vala said, "Always the quiet ones..."
*
One minute she had been working contentedly away in her cramped corner of the lab, and the next -
"He doesn't like me!" Miko said plaintively, finishing with a sniffle, and giving Sam the horrible feeling that the girl was about to break into tears.
"Well," she said, frantically searching for something to say, "He's a jerk."
"You're just saying that!"
"Really not," Sam breathed. Looking away, she winced, very aware of how completely terrible she was at this sort of thing. 'Girl talk' or whatever. "Hey," she offered, "If it makes you feel any better, Rodney doesn't like anyone."
"That's not true," Miko said softly, and a bit more calmly. There was a hesitance there that hadn't been present when Miko first arrived and started unloading her romantic woes onto Sam. "He likes you..."
Sam opened her mouth to deny it, but found she couldn't. Not because she thought it was true - Rodney wanted to see her naked maybe, again, but that was different from actually liking her.
No, it was because Miko had stepped closer, all of a sudden.
Eyes wide, she looked up at Sam and slowly took off her glasses.
"Oh boy," Sam said, her own eyes widening.
And before she knew it, she was being kissed.
Which was kind of impressive, since Sam was about a foot taller than Miko, and yet somehow the smaller woman seemed to be coping with the height difference just fine.
It was weird, kissing someone so much smaller than her. She'd always sort of gone for tall guys. She liked tall guys. And yet, here she was. Kissing Miko. Who was definitely neither tall, nor a guy.
The small of her back hit something hard then, and she realised she'd stumbled back against the workbench. Miko shifted her head a little and Sam's glasses, already rather askew, threatened to slip further and she grabbed for them just before they fell. Her hands landed awkwardly on Miko's shoulders and whoa - tongue.
It had been a while since anyone had kissed her like this, and that, she decided, on top of being caught completely by surprise, was the reason she hadn't pushed Miko away yet.
She was about to, though.
Aaaany second now.
In the end it was Miko who loosened her hold, arms slipping from around Sam's neck.
Sam stayed where she was, frozen, half-reclining against the workbench.
Miko blinked. "You don't like me, either," she said with a small sigh.
"Yes I do," Sam said. Then frowned slightly in confusion. "Sorry. I mean, you know. Not like that, but -"
"I understand. It's okay. It was worth a try."
"You know," Sam offered, still a little breathless, "You could try kissing Rodney like that. I mean, if he's the one you really want. I just... I don't think he'd hate it."
I know I didn't.
She didn't say that last part out loud, of course.
But judging from the small smile that appeared on Miko's face before she left, Sam thought she might have heard it anyway.
*
"Have I mentioned lately what a jerk Rodney is?" Sam asked once she'd finished her story.
No one bothered answering; she had, in fact, mentioned it numerous times.
"It is good that Miko is gaining confidence," Teyla said diplomatically, instead. "Though that is not quite what I had in mind..."
Vala grinned, reaching out to poke Teyla's knee. "Funny, that's just what you said that night at the bar. Remember, when you agreed to help me get that attractive young man's attention?"
"Yes, and remember how it backfired?" Teyla looked at the others. "He turned out to be very religious."
"How did you get his attention?" Sam asked, wide-eyed and very close to rolling off the bed. Janet grabbed her arm and tugged her back.
"Really," Vala said, "After the story you just told, you have to ask?"
"Teyla, you made out with Vala, too?" Liz said, perking up a little.
Teyla rolled her eyes. "Have we not all made out with Vala at one point or another?"
Vala, humming unconcernedly, was once more engrossed in her magazine, idly turning a page.
"All right! I'd just passed a huge exam and I didn't have Cassie that weekend and there was that party and I was very drunk," Janet said in one breath. "Very."
Liz looked even more cheerful.
Sam frowned. "So I'm the only one who hasn't kissed Vala?"
Vala winked up at her. "You just wait your turn, young lady."
"I mean," she added hastily, "Not that I want to."
"Oh really? Sure about that?"
"Yes! Totally. Completely. Why would I want to kiss you?"
"Sam, honey," Janet advised, "You know what they say about protesting too much?"
Vala was already crawling onto the bed. At the predatory look in her eye, Sam sat up, scooting backwards.
Janet prudently moved out of the way, up against the headboard.
"Vala," Sam said, wide-eyed, "What -"
Vala pounced. There was a shriek, followed by laughter, as they went tumbling over the side of the bed in a jumble of flailing limbs. There was a thump as they hit the floor, then a surprised squeak, and then silence.
The other three watched as, a long moment later, Sam emerged very red in the face, with her glasses hanging off one ear. Vala followed, looking like the cat that got the cream.
"That Samantha Carter," she said, rounding the bed to reclaim her spot on the floor. "To think, I was starting to wonder what all the fuss was about."
Sam clambered back onto the bed, clearing her throat as she set her glasses back in place and smoothed down her hair. Janet patted her shoulder.
"Welcome to the club."
"Yeah," Sam nodded. "It's a real privilege."
"You know," Liz said thoughtfully, "If the guys knew about all this, they'd never think we were boring again."
"But we can't tell them," Sam said hurriedly.
"No," Teyla agreed. "They would enjoy it too much."
There were nods of similar agreement all around.
Except from Vala, who merely shrugged. "I don't know, it seems as if I'm the only really interesting one. Me and little Miko, apparently, whom I don't even know. I mean, is this the best we can come up with - a few random snogs?"
Liz's face fell at that, and she hunched over her cup of vodka and red kool aid. Sam sighed, and Vala, having made her point, returned to her magazine.
None of the three noticed Teyla and Janet looking at each other and smiling.
*
"Well," Janet said.
"Well?" Teyla echoed.
"Well I don't know about you, but I'm thinking we should try that again sometime."
Teyla smiled, turning her head to glance at the clock on Janet's nightstand. Past eight, and she had a class at nine.
Still, there was no great hurry. "I enjoyed it," she said.
"Mm," Janet agreed, suppressing a yawn. "So did I."
Arms stretching over her head, Teyla paused and her smile turned wry. "And now I think I would enjoy a shower."
"I'll put the coffee on." Snuggling further under the covers, Janet gave no sign of actually leaving them. "In a minute..."
"Take your time." Rising from the bed, Teyla murmured, "I shall do the same."
Janet went from eyes drifting shut to sitting bolt upright in a fraction of a second. "If you use all the hot water again Teyla Emmagen, I swear -"
She held up a hand. "I will not risk it. You're most intimidating at this early hour."
Unmoved, Janet crossed her arms over her chest, regarding Teyla evenly. "Considering how last night went down, I'd say I can hold my own any time of the day or night."
One eyebrow arched in amusement. "Indeed."
*
"My cup is empty," Liz said morosely.
"I don't know where mine is." Sam peered around the bed.
"I could do with a refill," Teyla said, "But that would require me to move."
"I'll take care of this," Vala announced.
She returned from her trip out to the kitchen with the tequila bottle, and started pouring shots.
"Um," Sam said, five minutes and one and a half shots later, "I think I have an idea."
"Does it involve you throwing yourself at me again?" Vala wondered.
"No, it involves getting back at the guys."
"Pity. Oh, but that might be even better."
"Maybe," Sam said with a grin. She moved to the edge of the bed in preparation for getting up. It was a work in progress. "Actually, I'm really just expanding on Liz's idea, with the massage oil. I need some batteries."
Liz had perked up again, too. Six minutes and two whole shots had helped with that. "Batteries?"
"I've got some in my room. Now, do I still look like Vala just mauled me?"
Catching on, Janet smirked over at her. "Mess up your hair a little more."
*
"I knew the massage oil thing wasn't completely weird," Liz said once Sam was gone. "It wasn't completely weird, right?"
"I object to the use of the term 'mauled'," was Vala's response.
"Oh I don't know," Janet drawled, "Looked accurate from where I was sitting."
Liz opened her mouth again.
"No." Teyla rolled her eyes. "I do not believe Ronon has a girlfriend."
"Do you think Sam'll pull it off?" Janet wondered.
"I think it probably helps that she is drunk," Teyla said wisely.
The others silently agreed.
*
If Cam hadn't been on his way back from a speedy bathroom break, it was probable none of them would even have heard the knock at the door, let alone answered it.
"It's open!" he called over the din of Halo 3 and Rodney and John bickering about snack foods. He jogged over to pull the door open anyway.
"Sam, hey," he said, gesturing her in even as he started backing up to go rejoin the guys on the sofa. "You need something?"
"I just -"
"Sam!" Rodney turned, dropping his controller. Then, apparently realising that had been a little too enthusiastic, cleared his throat and went on more casually, "Uh, hey. Wanna play Halo?"
"No, I just came over to -"
"Are you okay?" John asked, glancing up at her. "You look kinda red in the face."
"I'm fine!" She smoothed her hair down self-consciously. "No, nothing's wrong, I just, I came down to get Vala's spare batteries. So," she angled her head in the direction of Vala's bedroom, "I'll just do that."
She shuffled away. One by one the three guys turned their attention back to the game.
"Yes!" Cam shouted. "Beautiful! Did you see that?"
"Wait, did she say batteries?" Rodney said, thumbs working furiously at the controls.
"Vala's spare batteries," John confirmed, reaching over to snatch a cheeto.
"Vala's spare batteries for what?" Cam wondered.
"Got 'em." Sam stepped back into the living room, holding them up and waving awkwardly. "So, thanks, I'll just -"
"Hey," Rodney spoke up, "How's your little 'girls night' thing going? I saw Liz at Radek and Ronon's before -"
"Oh, you know," she shifted nervously, "It's going good. Really - oh, I mean boring. Totally boring. Not at all... interesting. Yeah. Um. See ya."
She turned and fled. The door closed.
John looked to Cam. "Was that a little weird?"
Cam shrugged. "Well, it's Sam."
"Oh," Rodney said. "Oh!" He jumped up from the couch, sending a can of Pringles flying. "Oh my god!"
*
"Now," Sam said, dropping back onto the bed, "We just have to wait."
*
"No way," said Cam.
"Right," agreed John. "There's just no way."
"You saw Sam! And before with Liz? I was right there, and at first I was enh... I didn't buy it, but you know, she was very straightforward about it, you can ask Radek and Ronon if you don't believe me. In fact you know what?" He waved a finger as the thought occurred. "I'm going to go get them. We need their input. You two get Daniel."
Rodney left. Cam and John looked at each other and shrugged.
They reconvened a few minutes later outside Liz and Sam's apartment.
"Where's Ronon?" John asked Rodney and Radek.
"He thinks we're being stupid," Rodney answered.
Cam rolled his eyes. "I think we're being stupid."
"Well where's Daniel?"
"And so does he," Cam finished.
"Oh, whatever. Daniel!" Rodney was shouting before he'd even opened the door to his apartment. He remerged thirty seconds later dragging Daniel by the arm.
"Rodney! God, seriously, I don't care! I'm trying to study! The girls can have an orgy if they want! Which they're not by the way." He shook Rodney off, finally, and straightened his glasses. "Seriously?" He looked around at the others. "An orgy?"
"Massage oil," John supplied.
"Yeah, Rodney heard that and kinda lost it." Cam shrugged.
"Sexy massaging! And batteries! Do you know what girls do with batteries? Power their battery operated devices. What do you think they're doing?"
John held up his hands. "I'll admit, it paints an interesting mental picture."
"Thank you!"
Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose.
Cam patted him on the back. "Go to your happy place, Jackson."
"Why don't we just knock on their door?" Radek suggested, providing a lone voice of reason. "If they let us in, then we will know. Perhaps they will merely be watching this 'Pretty Woman'."
"'Pretty Woman'?" Daniel echoed.
"They're girls," Rodney scoffed. "What else would they be watching - something good?"
"Great idea, Radek," John said. He gestured towards Liz and Sam's door. "Go right ahead."
Radek looked taken aback. "I'm not doing it."
John looked to Rodney, who quickly said, "Me neither."
"I'm going back to study," Daniel said, turning to go.
John narrowed his eyes. "Wimps." And quickly rapped on the door.
Daniel turned right back round again.
A lengthy pause ensued, during which they all listened for any sound of movement - or possibly Julia Roberts - behind the door. So intently, in fact, that all five men jumped as one, startled, when the door suddenly opened.
"Hi," Sam said.
They stared. Sam was at the door, wearing a robe, and apparently nothing else, not even shoes or socks - not that any of them were exactly looking at her feet.
"Hey Sam!" Janet's voice could easily be heard coming from Liz's bedroom. "Grab the chocolate syrup from the fridge on your way back?"
"Sure," Sam called over her shoulder. Then she turned back to the open door. "Can I help you guys with something?"
Before any of them could come up with something other than 'uh' to say, Vala had appeared at Sam's side. Slinging an arm around her neck, she cocked her head towards Sam's.
"What do you think they're all doing here?" she said.
The fact that Vala was wearing nothing but lacy, hot pink underwear caused more than one jaw to drop, but did nothing to help the boys' ability to answer for themselves.
Finally Radek cleared his throat. "Um."
"We were just..." John managed before trailing off.
"Passing by?" Daniel finished with a wince.
"I think they want in," Sam said to Vala, ignoring them completely.
Vala just grinned widely, reached out, and swung the door shut.
John blinked. "No way."
"No," Cam agreed, "Way."
The end.
Endnote 1: I don't think Radek and Ronon are supposed to be living together, but I couldn't remember roomie arrangements, and so for the purposes of this fic at least, they do. (Although I kind of like the odd-coupleness of them.)
Endnote 2: Really big and most humble apologies for the horrible online translator Czech and Russian used in the opening scene.
Featuring Sam/Miko, Janet/Teyla, Vala/Everyone, and Liz/Teyla/Vala/Sam/Janet. Um. *cough* Well, someone had to bring the femslash. There's also a little Rodney/Sam. And some Liz/Ronon. Just because it's so incredibly amusing.
Several Girl-on-Girl Encounters the Guys Don't Know About (And That One Lesbian Orgy They Do)
"Dobrý večer!"
"Elizabeth," Radek greeted her. "Jak se máš?"
"Mám se dobře, děkuji. How's my accent?"
"Quite bad. But improving."
"Promiňte," she apologised sheepishly as he waved her inside. "Oh, hi," she greeted the two other men present.
Rodney, who had taken the chance to steal Radek's seat when he got up to answer the door, was typing furiously away at Radek's laptop, and barely acknowledged her arrival.
Ronon, however, in the kitchenette, looked up from the vegetables he was chopping.
"Hey."
"Ronon, hi! Making dinner?"
"Yes." He raised an eyebrow slightly.
"It um, it looks good. It's really cool that you can cook. Oh, a wok - is it, are you making a stir fry?"
"Liz," Rodney said then, finally noticing her presence, "Hey, you do languages, don't you?"
Relieved to be distracted from what was turning into another exercise in humiliation - otherwise known as every conversation she'd ever had with the inconveniently attractive Professor Dex - she gladly turned to Rodney, saying, "Some of them."
"Do you speak Russian? I'm pretty sure that's what this guy is speaking..."
"Ja govorju russkogo luchshe, chem ja govorju na cheshskom jazyke."
"Huh?"
"Better than I speak Czech," she translated with a grin.
"Whatever. Just come over here and tell this guy at U. of Moscow that I think he's a moron."
"Rodney," Radek scolded, "Leave my guests alone, if you please. Now, Elizabeth, máte přání?"
"Oh, right. Um... I just came to -"
"Again?"
"We always run out! And you're always so well-stocked." She grinned hopefully.
Radek rolled his eyes. "You ladies have a problem, I think. All right, you know where it is, take what you like." He waved her down the hall.
"Thank you, Radek. I mean, děkuji!"
*
"What's she doing in there?" Ronon asked, after watching her leave the room.
"She is raiding my liquor cabinet."
"Liquor? You have liquor?" Rodney raised his head.
"Yes, my secret stash. Or not so secret. Where you cannot get at it, Rodney."
"Oh, but Liz can?"
"Yes, but what she borrows, she returns. She and the other girls - it is for their little party, upstairs. They make their cocktails and play their music..."
"Oh," Rodney snorted. "Girls night."
"Wild times?" Ronon said wryly.
"Please. Wild? Even with Vala there - you know they're just sitting around watching ridiculous romantic comedies like, I don't know, Pretty Woman? And painting their nails, and braiding each other's hair -"
"And talking about us," Ronon added.
"Exactly. They probably can't even hear Julia Roberts over all the gossiping."
"So... Not like these video files you have on your computer in the hidden folders, Rodney? The 'girls gone wild', yes? I have wondered," Radek admitted.
"Somehow, I doubt it," Ronon chuckled, while Rodney was still too busy spluttering over having his porn stash discovered.
"Um," Liz reappeared, arms full of bottles. "Hey, so, I found what I needed. Thanks again, Radek. Um, I was just wondering, would any of you happen to have any massage oil?"
*
"You did what?"
"Asked to borrow some massage oil," Liz repeated. "And Professor Dex had some. Is that weird? Who do you think he's massaging? We'd know if he had a girlfriend, right? I mean, we would have seen her around. Right?"
"Liz," Sam said, "Focus."
"Not that I care if he has a girlfriend. I'm just saying -"
"Liz!" Liz stopped, and looked at her. "Massage oil?"
"Well they were saying all that stuff about us!"
"But they did not know you were listening," Teyla clarified.
"That's not the point," she insisted indignantly. "They made it sound like we were... boring. And they were being really sexist about it, too!"
"So..." Janet prompted.
"Oh, so then I asked to borrow the oil. And maybe, sort of, implied that we'd be... using it. On each other. In a sexy way."
Sam made a face. "Ew?"
"I just wanted to mess with their heads! They were being rude! I didn't mean we'd actually do it."
Upon hearing this, Vala, who had been inspecting the bottle of massage oil with interest, tossed it aside with a huff of irritation. "Then can we at least get back to making cocktails?"
*
"'Pretty Woman'! They think we do our nails and watch 'Pretty Woman'? The most hideous example of highly commercialised mainstream misogyny thinly disguised as a romantic comedy ever created?"
"They think we watch romantic comedies?" Janet said.
"I hate Julia Roberts," Sam muttered.
"Horrible woman," Vala agreed mildly. "I do like her hair, though. And she's very successful."
They had settled in Liz's room with their freshly made round of cocktails. It was neater than the rest of the apartment, and Janet had wanted to use the bed to examine people. Right now, Sam was lying flat while Janet palpated her abdomen.
Vala and Teyla were on the floor, Teyla propped against the closet with her ankles crossed, Vala stretched out on her stomach, sipping her drink through a straw and flipping through a magazine.
Liz, meanwhile, was seated in the swivel chair at her desk, rotating slowly as she waved her arms around and continued to give voice to her ire.
"And!" she said, excited as she remembered something else. "They think we talk about them. As if we don't have anything better to discuss than men! They're probably down there, right now, picturing us up here talking about them."
"Which isn't what we're doing, of course," Janet murmured, making Sam smile.
"Only because they were jerks! I mean, seriously, 'Pretty Woman'?"
"Are you not forgetting something?" Teyla broke into the start of another diatribe. When they all looked at her she said, "The last time we did this - the five of us - Vala painted all our toenails. We've also spoken of men many times, and eaten chocolate, and watched movies featuring Julia Roberts -"
"Once," Liz protested. "And 'Erin Brokovich' doesn't count."
"While I agree that may be true..."
"We're not boring," Sam said, from where she was still lying on the bed - though Janet had long since stopped pretending to be studying. "I get why Liz is mad. They make us sound like a giant cliché. It's not fair."
"Right, we could be getting up to all sorts of wild things in here," Liz said, nodding.
"'Wild' as in sensually massaging each other?" Teyla asked wryly.
"Yeah, I don't think they really bought it. But how would they know?"
"It's not as if there isn't precedence." Vala flicked a page of her magazine over.
"Girls," Janet spoke up, "As much as I'd like to say 'wild' is us, I'm afraid I'm with Teyla on this one."
"Oh please," Vala snorted. "It's always the quiet ones. I keep expecting Liz to jump all of us at any moment, for one thing."
Teyla, Janet and Sam looked at Vala. Then shifted their gaze over to Liz - who was, in fact, not looking surprised at Vala's claim, but rather annoyed instead.
"That," she said, "Was a complete misunderstanding and besides, I thought you promised not to say anything."
Unperturbed, Vala just shrugged. "These things always come out in the end. Emphasis on the 'coming out' part."
Realising the other three were still staring at her, Liz held up her hands. "There's a completely rational explanation."
Janet leaned over to reclaim her glass from the bedside table. "I can't wait to hear it," she said.
*
"Hey Liz," Sam greeted her as she let herself in. Sam didn't actually look up, of course, sitting cross-legged at the coffee table, dividing her attention between a pile of print-outs and her laptop.
"Hey," Liz replied, setting her messenger bag on the counter and moving to the fridge.
"Oh," Sam said then, as Liz was deciding between two day old pizza and going to the trouble of preparing something that actually resembled real food, "Hey, have you noticed anything weird about Vala lately?"
She froze, hand outstretched towards the Dominoes box.
"Vala?"
"Yeah, she dropped by a few minutes ago and left something for you there by the phone. I don't know what, but she said it was really, really important. Actually, she said 'really' like eight times and made me swear to see that you got it. Then she asked whether this was a one-bedroom apartment. Weird, right?" Sam finished absently. "I mean, even for Vala?"
Wincing in trepidation, Liz let the refrigerator door swing shut and turned to see what was waiting for her on the counter.
It was a flier for the campus Annual Queer Alliance Ball, and written across it in black marker were the words, 'Want to go?'
"Liz?" Sam prompted over the clacking of keys.
"Have you ever had someone pursuing you? When you didn't want them to. Not stalking, really, I don't think it's got to the stalking point yet, but..." She trailed off as she realised Sam had finally looked up from her computer. "Oh right. Rodney. Sorry."
Sam returned to what she was doing, glowering a little now. Liz went back to staring at the brightly-coloured flier.
It had all started about a week ago.
She'd been at Murray's, minding her own business, just having some lunch, when Vala slid into the seat across from her.
What followed was a conversation that began in typical Vala fashion: "So, Elizabeth, tell me, how's your sex life?"
And ended with Vala convinced that Liz was a lesbian.
And yes, she might have mentioned her long-distance relationship with Simon wasn't going so well. And that between studying, and living in a mad house, and pretending to be interested in learning conversational Czech just so she could spend more time in a certain Anthropology professor's apartment, she was thinking of giving up on men altogether.
She might have been having a bad day, and so been rather vehement about the whole thing.
And now Vala kept texting her, suggesting they meet up at the gay bar a few blocks away. And emailing her websites that would apparently help her explore her orientation - if she hadn't been so freaked out by the front page of that first one alone that she hadn't looked at her computer again for three days.
She also found herself mysteriously signed up for a lesbian erotica book club that met Thursday nights off campus and was run by a lovely woman named Marjory who couldn't wait to meet her.
And now this.
"Liz?" Sam prompted again.
"She won't leave me alone!" she wailed.
"Who, Vala? Look, whatever it is," Sam told her reasonably, "It's Vala. You know she won't let it go until you give her what she wants."
It was true, Liz knew. Cam and John lived their entire lives according to that very edict.
"Okay," she breathed, steeling her resolve. "Give her what she wants. I can do that."
It was a good thing it was Vala who answered the door when Liz knocked. Because throwing herself at Cam or John and kissing the hell out of them kind of would have defeated the purpose.
Having travelled several steps over the threshold with the momentum provided from launching herself bodily at Vala, she was glad to find, once she pulled her lips off Vala's, that they did not have an audience. The apartment seemed empty, excepting of course her, standing there clutching Vala's face, and Vala, who was done being surprised and was starting to smile.
"You were right," she panted. "I'm gay! I just couldn't admit it!"
"Really." Vala licked her lips, reaching up to wipe the corner of her mouth. "That's fascinating. I mean I was only teasing about the whole thing, but," she shrugged, "I suppose behind every joke there's an ounce of truth. Or, in your case, a lot of it." Stepping back then, she took Liz's hands in her own. "I'm so glad I could help you accept yourself for who you truly are."
"No, wait, I'm not - I only did that so you would -"
Vala clucked her tongue. "There's no shame in it, you know."
"I know that! I mean, no! It's just that I'm not really -"
"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." Vala winked exaggeratedly.
Liz sighed.
*
"Oh yes," Vala said. "A completely rational explanation." She shook her head and tutted at Liz. "The sooner you come to terms with your sexuality, the sooner you'll be able to enjoy it."
Liz looked to the other three hopefully. Surely they believed her.
Teyla merely smiled.
Janet shrugged and drank some more.
Sam, a complete lightweight, who'd had exactly two-thirds of a standard drink and was now well on her way to good cheer, rolled onto her stomach and propped her chin on her arms. "I kissed a girl last week," she said conversationally. "Well, she kissed me, technically."
There was a lengthy silence.
Into which Vala said, "Always the quiet ones..."
*
One minute she had been working contentedly away in her cramped corner of the lab, and the next -
"He doesn't like me!" Miko said plaintively, finishing with a sniffle, and giving Sam the horrible feeling that the girl was about to break into tears.
"Well," she said, frantically searching for something to say, "He's a jerk."
"You're just saying that!"
"Really not," Sam breathed. Looking away, she winced, very aware of how completely terrible she was at this sort of thing. 'Girl talk' or whatever. "Hey," she offered, "If it makes you feel any better, Rodney doesn't like anyone."
"That's not true," Miko said softly, and a bit more calmly. There was a hesitance there that hadn't been present when Miko first arrived and started unloading her romantic woes onto Sam. "He likes you..."
Sam opened her mouth to deny it, but found she couldn't. Not because she thought it was true - Rodney wanted to see her naked maybe, again, but that was different from actually liking her.
No, it was because Miko had stepped closer, all of a sudden.
Eyes wide, she looked up at Sam and slowly took off her glasses.
"Oh boy," Sam said, her own eyes widening.
And before she knew it, she was being kissed.
Which was kind of impressive, since Sam was about a foot taller than Miko, and yet somehow the smaller woman seemed to be coping with the height difference just fine.
It was weird, kissing someone so much smaller than her. She'd always sort of gone for tall guys. She liked tall guys. And yet, here she was. Kissing Miko. Who was definitely neither tall, nor a guy.
The small of her back hit something hard then, and she realised she'd stumbled back against the workbench. Miko shifted her head a little and Sam's glasses, already rather askew, threatened to slip further and she grabbed for them just before they fell. Her hands landed awkwardly on Miko's shoulders and whoa - tongue.
It had been a while since anyone had kissed her like this, and that, she decided, on top of being caught completely by surprise, was the reason she hadn't pushed Miko away yet.
She was about to, though.
Aaaany second now.
In the end it was Miko who loosened her hold, arms slipping from around Sam's neck.
Sam stayed where she was, frozen, half-reclining against the workbench.
Miko blinked. "You don't like me, either," she said with a small sigh.
"Yes I do," Sam said. Then frowned slightly in confusion. "Sorry. I mean, you know. Not like that, but -"
"I understand. It's okay. It was worth a try."
"You know," Sam offered, still a little breathless, "You could try kissing Rodney like that. I mean, if he's the one you really want. I just... I don't think he'd hate it."
I know I didn't.
She didn't say that last part out loud, of course.
But judging from the small smile that appeared on Miko's face before she left, Sam thought she might have heard it anyway.
*
"Have I mentioned lately what a jerk Rodney is?" Sam asked once she'd finished her story.
No one bothered answering; she had, in fact, mentioned it numerous times.
"It is good that Miko is gaining confidence," Teyla said diplomatically, instead. "Though that is not quite what I had in mind..."
Vala grinned, reaching out to poke Teyla's knee. "Funny, that's just what you said that night at the bar. Remember, when you agreed to help me get that attractive young man's attention?"
"Yes, and remember how it backfired?" Teyla looked at the others. "He turned out to be very religious."
"How did you get his attention?" Sam asked, wide-eyed and very close to rolling off the bed. Janet grabbed her arm and tugged her back.
"Really," Vala said, "After the story you just told, you have to ask?"
"Teyla, you made out with Vala, too?" Liz said, perking up a little.
Teyla rolled her eyes. "Have we not all made out with Vala at one point or another?"
Vala, humming unconcernedly, was once more engrossed in her magazine, idly turning a page.
"All right! I'd just passed a huge exam and I didn't have Cassie that weekend and there was that party and I was very drunk," Janet said in one breath. "Very."
Liz looked even more cheerful.
Sam frowned. "So I'm the only one who hasn't kissed Vala?"
Vala winked up at her. "You just wait your turn, young lady."
"I mean," she added hastily, "Not that I want to."
"Oh really? Sure about that?"
"Yes! Totally. Completely. Why would I want to kiss you?"
"Sam, honey," Janet advised, "You know what they say about protesting too much?"
Vala was already crawling onto the bed. At the predatory look in her eye, Sam sat up, scooting backwards.
Janet prudently moved out of the way, up against the headboard.
"Vala," Sam said, wide-eyed, "What -"
Vala pounced. There was a shriek, followed by laughter, as they went tumbling over the side of the bed in a jumble of flailing limbs. There was a thump as they hit the floor, then a surprised squeak, and then silence.
The other three watched as, a long moment later, Sam emerged very red in the face, with her glasses hanging off one ear. Vala followed, looking like the cat that got the cream.
"That Samantha Carter," she said, rounding the bed to reclaim her spot on the floor. "To think, I was starting to wonder what all the fuss was about."
Sam clambered back onto the bed, clearing her throat as she set her glasses back in place and smoothed down her hair. Janet patted her shoulder.
"Welcome to the club."
"Yeah," Sam nodded. "It's a real privilege."
"You know," Liz said thoughtfully, "If the guys knew about all this, they'd never think we were boring again."
"But we can't tell them," Sam said hurriedly.
"No," Teyla agreed. "They would enjoy it too much."
There were nods of similar agreement all around.
Except from Vala, who merely shrugged. "I don't know, it seems as if I'm the only really interesting one. Me and little Miko, apparently, whom I don't even know. I mean, is this the best we can come up with - a few random snogs?"
Liz's face fell at that, and she hunched over her cup of vodka and red kool aid. Sam sighed, and Vala, having made her point, returned to her magazine.
None of the three noticed Teyla and Janet looking at each other and smiling.
*
"Well," Janet said.
"Well?" Teyla echoed.
"Well I don't know about you, but I'm thinking we should try that again sometime."
Teyla smiled, turning her head to glance at the clock on Janet's nightstand. Past eight, and she had a class at nine.
Still, there was no great hurry. "I enjoyed it," she said.
"Mm," Janet agreed, suppressing a yawn. "So did I."
Arms stretching over her head, Teyla paused and her smile turned wry. "And now I think I would enjoy a shower."
"I'll put the coffee on." Snuggling further under the covers, Janet gave no sign of actually leaving them. "In a minute..."
"Take your time." Rising from the bed, Teyla murmured, "I shall do the same."
Janet went from eyes drifting shut to sitting bolt upright in a fraction of a second. "If you use all the hot water again Teyla Emmagen, I swear -"
She held up a hand. "I will not risk it. You're most intimidating at this early hour."
Unmoved, Janet crossed her arms over her chest, regarding Teyla evenly. "Considering how last night went down, I'd say I can hold my own any time of the day or night."
One eyebrow arched in amusement. "Indeed."
*
"My cup is empty," Liz said morosely.
"I don't know where mine is." Sam peered around the bed.
"I could do with a refill," Teyla said, "But that would require me to move."
"I'll take care of this," Vala announced.
She returned from her trip out to the kitchen with the tequila bottle, and started pouring shots.
"Um," Sam said, five minutes and one and a half shots later, "I think I have an idea."
"Does it involve you throwing yourself at me again?" Vala wondered.
"No, it involves getting back at the guys."
"Pity. Oh, but that might be even better."
"Maybe," Sam said with a grin. She moved to the edge of the bed in preparation for getting up. It was a work in progress. "Actually, I'm really just expanding on Liz's idea, with the massage oil. I need some batteries."
Liz had perked up again, too. Six minutes and two whole shots had helped with that. "Batteries?"
"I've got some in my room. Now, do I still look like Vala just mauled me?"
Catching on, Janet smirked over at her. "Mess up your hair a little more."
*
"I knew the massage oil thing wasn't completely weird," Liz said once Sam was gone. "It wasn't completely weird, right?"
"I object to the use of the term 'mauled'," was Vala's response.
"Oh I don't know," Janet drawled, "Looked accurate from where I was sitting."
Liz opened her mouth again.
"No." Teyla rolled her eyes. "I do not believe Ronon has a girlfriend."
"Do you think Sam'll pull it off?" Janet wondered.
"I think it probably helps that she is drunk," Teyla said wisely.
The others silently agreed.
*
If Cam hadn't been on his way back from a speedy bathroom break, it was probable none of them would even have heard the knock at the door, let alone answered it.
"It's open!" he called over the din of Halo 3 and Rodney and John bickering about snack foods. He jogged over to pull the door open anyway.
"Sam, hey," he said, gesturing her in even as he started backing up to go rejoin the guys on the sofa. "You need something?"
"I just -"
"Sam!" Rodney turned, dropping his controller. Then, apparently realising that had been a little too enthusiastic, cleared his throat and went on more casually, "Uh, hey. Wanna play Halo?"
"No, I just came over to -"
"Are you okay?" John asked, glancing up at her. "You look kinda red in the face."
"I'm fine!" She smoothed her hair down self-consciously. "No, nothing's wrong, I just, I came down to get Vala's spare batteries. So," she angled her head in the direction of Vala's bedroom, "I'll just do that."
She shuffled away. One by one the three guys turned their attention back to the game.
"Yes!" Cam shouted. "Beautiful! Did you see that?"
"Wait, did she say batteries?" Rodney said, thumbs working furiously at the controls.
"Vala's spare batteries," John confirmed, reaching over to snatch a cheeto.
"Vala's spare batteries for what?" Cam wondered.
"Got 'em." Sam stepped back into the living room, holding them up and waving awkwardly. "So, thanks, I'll just -"
"Hey," Rodney spoke up, "How's your little 'girls night' thing going? I saw Liz at Radek and Ronon's before -"
"Oh, you know," she shifted nervously, "It's going good. Really - oh, I mean boring. Totally boring. Not at all... interesting. Yeah. Um. See ya."
She turned and fled. The door closed.
John looked to Cam. "Was that a little weird?"
Cam shrugged. "Well, it's Sam."
"Oh," Rodney said. "Oh!" He jumped up from the couch, sending a can of Pringles flying. "Oh my god!"
*
"Now," Sam said, dropping back onto the bed, "We just have to wait."
*
"No way," said Cam.
"Right," agreed John. "There's just no way."
"You saw Sam! And before with Liz? I was right there, and at first I was enh... I didn't buy it, but you know, she was very straightforward about it, you can ask Radek and Ronon if you don't believe me. In fact you know what?" He waved a finger as the thought occurred. "I'm going to go get them. We need their input. You two get Daniel."
Rodney left. Cam and John looked at each other and shrugged.
They reconvened a few minutes later outside Liz and Sam's apartment.
"Where's Ronon?" John asked Rodney and Radek.
"He thinks we're being stupid," Rodney answered.
Cam rolled his eyes. "I think we're being stupid."
"Well where's Daniel?"
"And so does he," Cam finished.
"Oh, whatever. Daniel!" Rodney was shouting before he'd even opened the door to his apartment. He remerged thirty seconds later dragging Daniel by the arm.
"Rodney! God, seriously, I don't care! I'm trying to study! The girls can have an orgy if they want! Which they're not by the way." He shook Rodney off, finally, and straightened his glasses. "Seriously?" He looked around at the others. "An orgy?"
"Massage oil," John supplied.
"Yeah, Rodney heard that and kinda lost it." Cam shrugged.
"Sexy massaging! And batteries! Do you know what girls do with batteries? Power their battery operated devices. What do you think they're doing?"
John held up his hands. "I'll admit, it paints an interesting mental picture."
"Thank you!"
Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose.
Cam patted him on the back. "Go to your happy place, Jackson."
"Why don't we just knock on their door?" Radek suggested, providing a lone voice of reason. "If they let us in, then we will know. Perhaps they will merely be watching this 'Pretty Woman'."
"'Pretty Woman'?" Daniel echoed.
"They're girls," Rodney scoffed. "What else would they be watching - something good?"
"Great idea, Radek," John said. He gestured towards Liz and Sam's door. "Go right ahead."
Radek looked taken aback. "I'm not doing it."
John looked to Rodney, who quickly said, "Me neither."
"I'm going back to study," Daniel said, turning to go.
John narrowed his eyes. "Wimps." And quickly rapped on the door.
Daniel turned right back round again.
A lengthy pause ensued, during which they all listened for any sound of movement - or possibly Julia Roberts - behind the door. So intently, in fact, that all five men jumped as one, startled, when the door suddenly opened.
"Hi," Sam said.
They stared. Sam was at the door, wearing a robe, and apparently nothing else, not even shoes or socks - not that any of them were exactly looking at her feet.
"Hey Sam!" Janet's voice could easily be heard coming from Liz's bedroom. "Grab the chocolate syrup from the fridge on your way back?"
"Sure," Sam called over her shoulder. Then she turned back to the open door. "Can I help you guys with something?"
Before any of them could come up with something other than 'uh' to say, Vala had appeared at Sam's side. Slinging an arm around her neck, she cocked her head towards Sam's.
"What do you think they're all doing here?" she said.
The fact that Vala was wearing nothing but lacy, hot pink underwear caused more than one jaw to drop, but did nothing to help the boys' ability to answer for themselves.
Finally Radek cleared his throat. "Um."
"We were just..." John managed before trailing off.
"Passing by?" Daniel finished with a wince.
"I think they want in," Sam said to Vala, ignoring them completely.
Vala just grinned widely, reached out, and swung the door shut.
John blinked. "No way."
"No," Cam agreed, "Way."
The end.
Endnote 1: I don't think Radek and Ronon are supposed to be living together, but I couldn't remember roomie arrangements, and so for the purposes of this fic at least, they do. (Although I kind of like the odd-coupleness of them.)
Endnote 2: Really big and most humble apologies for the horrible online translator Czech and Russian used in the opening scene.