Now it's one a month and FOUR bonus
subject: I said that my resolution for this year was to kiss 15 boys. That's one a month, plus 3 bonus. Yeah - okay.
Um so, I'm doing this book study at church called Safe People - it's by the same guys who do the Boundary books (excellent). Anyway so... chapter 7, Why Do I Isolate Myself From People? Page 126, Self-sufficiency.
...emotional philosophy is the following: "I can take care of my problems", "I don't burden others with my problems", "I can handle my problems myself, thank you." "I'm fine, really.", "No, really, I'm fine"
What's wrong here? God doesn't create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product of the Fall.
If you've got the disease of self-sufficiency, you've probably had it a long time. ... Indeed, self-sufficiency has lots of advantages, because you get to avoid all the uncontrollable problems and risks that needy people can't get away from. Here are a few examples:
You don't have to experience your incompleteness, which is painful
You don't have to go to the trouble of finding people to love you
You don't have to show other people the hurting, imperfect parts of yourself
You don't have to look anyone in the eye and say, "I need you"
You don't have to risk asking others to comfort and support you
You don't have to humbly receive what they offer, in gratitude
And you don't have to do it again and again and again
Oh crap!
I knew it was a facade that really wasn't true. I think I've hinted at that in previous posts. But to see it written in black and white (green - haha) - UGH.
though, I did know that I was only fooling myself in my self-sufficiency. Yes, it does work - it's safe in here to go "ha - at least i'm not insane like these truly high-maintenance needy people"... it's all very lonely and not really all that self-satisfying... Damnit...
Here's how you fix it:
What to do? If your self-sufficiency is driving you away from relationship and into isolation, begin the process of confession. Confession is telling the truth, and the truth is, you need people. The reason people say confession is good for the soul is because it brings unloved parts of our character to places of love.
Find people that understand self-sufficiency. They'll know you can't "feel your need" for them. But they'll help you state your isolation, talk about the reasons you're disconnected, and discuss how hard it is to give up your independence. As you confess this problem to safe people, a wonderful miracle happens: over time, self-sufficiency melts and gives way to need. You are then reconciled not only to God and others, but also to yourself.
*sigh*
this has been my mantra for so long. i don't know about this whole confessing thing. though i do know that lately it has become a bit unbearable. it no longer feels like "i'm fine all alone" but "i'm lonely" and that just sucks. My safe little box is not so safe really. There's a great song by Garth Brooks called Standing outside the fire and I'm starting to, at a safe distance - ha, think I want to NOT stand outside the fire anymore.
GACK