Skipping class and cutting stones.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About life. About love. About friendship. And pretty much everything in between. I've been discovering so many new ways to look at so many things, and then just rediscovering the old ways, and then mixing those with some of the new ways, and then going all the way back to the beginning, but not really knowing where I started from, so I start all over. And, yes, it is just as confusing as it sounds.
Just when you start to figure out who you are; what you want in life, everything seems to shift. I don't know if it is just for me, or if it is everyone. I feel like all the ideas that I have and the goals that I think I want are all covered in grease, and hidden in shadows. I don't mean that to sound emo, it's just the truth. Haven't you ever thought that you had finally figured something out, just to found out three seconds later that you were so off track that you don't even know where you were going? I feel like I'm walking down a long highway, and I don't know where it stops, and just as soon as I get tired, and start to crawl, thinking that I am almost there, everything turns upside down and changes colour (just for kicks.)
I used to be so sure of myself. So set in my ways. And, don't get me wrong, for the most part I know exactly who I am and what I want. I think. But, sometimes I get so fucking sick of being me. And while I know that being me is what I will always do, it is nice to dream about being someone that people like. Now, before you go on your "I like you" or "Oh, Jacen!" I'm not talking about the me I am when I am with my friends. That is a very different me. This is more an angsty post about my overwhelming desire for intimacy. Should it be so difficult to find? I know people say that it comes when you least expect it. And I've gone down that road. Several times... it didn't exactly work out as I am hoping it is supposed to. I find myself wondering if I should follow the footsteps of my peers, and just have friends that I can be affectionate with... or if that would even be what I want. Would I be happy with that? No, I don't think I could. I know I couldn't. I know myself better than that. I would just get upset and emotionally confused that we were just friends. I was never one to share my things, I guess, and that is essentially what I would be doing.
Hell, I can't even be going on dates with two people without feeling sort of guilty about it. And, why? I don't owe anyone any sort of explanation for what I do. I am not settling down with anyone. I am young and answer only to myself at the end of the day. So why is it that I am so disapproving of it? I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle in my head, and while it is a battle that I will ultimately win, it's also a battle I will lose. And I find myself not worried about myself, but the people that will be caught in the fall out. And, oh, there would be fall out. Totally nuclear winter fall out. That would just set me back emotionally in so many ways, as well.
What is it that decent guys want in a relationship? Can someone please tell me that? I am asking in all honesty, because if this is common knowledge, I totally missed the booklet. I mean, I'm a guy. I know what I want. So, why isn't it so simple for everyone else? What is this fucked up preoccupation with sex and fear of commitment? Hello! I tremble at the mention of the word, but aren't people supposed to face their fears? It's not even an age thing. I've tried dating people young, older and the same age as me... when they come along. And it doesn't work out so well. Yes, I have gone over those relationships in my head more times than you need to know.
I just want someone that I can lay with and feel their hair on my skin, faintly smell their breath in the air. Someone that I can close my eyes with and feel completely safe, knowing that no matter what happens they will be there for me. They will have my back. I don't need someone to take care of me. Far from it. I just need an equal. Someone to balance me out, and to tip me over, whatever needs to be. To be able to wake up to the sun shining through the window, and feel nothing but the warmth of the sun matching the warmth of their skin on mine, and smile as I sleep. I want to hear them while I'm sleeping, or look into their eyes and feeling and believe that their eyes can rival the most perfect of sunsets.
And now you know the downside of being an idealist.
Just when you start to figure out who you are; what you want in life, everything seems to shift. I don't know if it is just for me, or if it is everyone. I feel like all the ideas that I have and the goals that I think I want are all covered in grease, and hidden in shadows. I don't mean that to sound emo, it's just the truth. Haven't you ever thought that you had finally figured something out, just to found out three seconds later that you were so off track that you don't even know where you were going? I feel like I'm walking down a long highway, and I don't know where it stops, and just as soon as I get tired, and start to crawl, thinking that I am almost there, everything turns upside down and changes colour (just for kicks.)
I used to be so sure of myself. So set in my ways. And, don't get me wrong, for the most part I know exactly who I am and what I want. I think. But, sometimes I get so fucking sick of being me. And while I know that being me is what I will always do, it is nice to dream about being someone that people like. Now, before you go on your "I like you" or "Oh, Jacen!" I'm not talking about the me I am when I am with my friends. That is a very different me. This is more an angsty post about my overwhelming desire for intimacy. Should it be so difficult to find? I know people say that it comes when you least expect it. And I've gone down that road. Several times... it didn't exactly work out as I am hoping it is supposed to. I find myself wondering if I should follow the footsteps of my peers, and just have friends that I can be affectionate with... or if that would even be what I want. Would I be happy with that? No, I don't think I could. I know I couldn't. I know myself better than that. I would just get upset and emotionally confused that we were just friends. I was never one to share my things, I guess, and that is essentially what I would be doing.
Hell, I can't even be going on dates with two people without feeling sort of guilty about it. And, why? I don't owe anyone any sort of explanation for what I do. I am not settling down with anyone. I am young and answer only to myself at the end of the day. So why is it that I am so disapproving of it? I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle in my head, and while it is a battle that I will ultimately win, it's also a battle I will lose. And I find myself not worried about myself, but the people that will be caught in the fall out. And, oh, there would be fall out. Totally nuclear winter fall out. That would just set me back emotionally in so many ways, as well.
What is it that decent guys want in a relationship? Can someone please tell me that? I am asking in all honesty, because if this is common knowledge, I totally missed the booklet. I mean, I'm a guy. I know what I want. So, why isn't it so simple for everyone else? What is this fucked up preoccupation with sex and fear of commitment? Hello! I tremble at the mention of the word, but aren't people supposed to face their fears? It's not even an age thing. I've tried dating people young, older and the same age as me... when they come along. And it doesn't work out so well. Yes, I have gone over those relationships in my head more times than you need to know.
I just want someone that I can lay with and feel their hair on my skin, faintly smell their breath in the air. Someone that I can close my eyes with and feel completely safe, knowing that no matter what happens they will be there for me. They will have my back. I don't need someone to take care of me. Far from it. I just need an equal. Someone to balance me out, and to tip me over, whatever needs to be. To be able to wake up to the sun shining through the window, and feel nothing but the warmth of the sun matching the warmth of their skin on mine, and smile as I sleep. I want to hear them while I'm sleeping, or look into their eyes and feeling and believe that their eyes can rival the most perfect of sunsets.
And now you know the downside of being an idealist.