(no subject)
i am in a lot of physical pain right now. but i'm okay with it, because it's all due to helping out a friend who really needed it. frank's basement was inundated in a major way, but luckily the second half of truman rehearsal was a big stress reliever. we have a new opening tune that i think will make our sets much more cohesive and dense overall.
i think this is probably as blunt as i have been in a long time, but i have concerns. i have issues with death. it's why i stay awake at night sometimes nearly shivering and weighing the possible gravity of small, sharp pains in my body, which unnervingly seem to only exist on my left side (which has more to do with how i sleep than the condition of my heart, i need to convince myself). i have anxiety issues. it's why i miss more classes than i should, don't get the grades i should, am unemployed most of the time, and why i can count the number of good friends at UIC I have on one... oh wait, i have no good friends at UIC. moving on. i have issues with shared personal history. i am embarassed on a daily basis with the person i was and have been in the past. on the other hand, i tend to do this thing where i idolize people i haven't seen in a long time, like having them back in my life will fill this enormous void that's not really there to begin with. kali tells me i work to hard to preserve friendships that probably died long ago. and that makes me feel bad. and as kyle williams so eloquently put it, "I don't need a better word than that." sometimes i hate journaling about problems, it makes me feel as if i use this only as an outlet when things go bad, which doesn't bode well for my discipline as a writer, but i've always felt that enumerating problems is constructive, that seeing them in print (especially on livejournal, where other people can see them in print) makes you confront them in a way you otherwise can't in your head. but maybe that's just posturing, bargaining. ugh.
i think this is probably as blunt as i have been in a long time, but i have concerns. i have issues with death. it's why i stay awake at night sometimes nearly shivering and weighing the possible gravity of small, sharp pains in my body, which unnervingly seem to only exist on my left side (which has more to do with how i sleep than the condition of my heart, i need to convince myself). i have anxiety issues. it's why i miss more classes than i should, don't get the grades i should, am unemployed most of the time, and why i can count the number of good friends at UIC I have on one... oh wait, i have no good friends at UIC. moving on. i have issues with shared personal history. i am embarassed on a daily basis with the person i was and have been in the past. on the other hand, i tend to do this thing where i idolize people i haven't seen in a long time, like having them back in my life will fill this enormous void that's not really there to begin with. kali tells me i work to hard to preserve friendships that probably died long ago. and that makes me feel bad. and as kyle williams so eloquently put it, "I don't need a better word than that." sometimes i hate journaling about problems, it makes me feel as if i use this only as an outlet when things go bad, which doesn't bode well for my discipline as a writer, but i've always felt that enumerating problems is constructive, that seeing them in print (especially on livejournal, where other people can see them in print) makes you confront them in a way you otherwise can't in your head. but maybe that's just posturing, bargaining. ugh.