(no subject)
So I knew that it wouldn't be long before I felt like this. I'm surprised it's taken this long to creep up frankly. Here it is. Sitting in my stomach, churning churning. Tears prickled my eyes when I read T's status, my stomach gives a lurch.
I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to do, what I have read and what they have told me to do when I finally began to feel like this. I am trying not to punish myself and just own the feelings. It's pretty hard though. I have always punished myself, for as long as I can remember. What are the scars on my wrist if not pinishment for something or other?
So I"m left wondering, on this beautiful sunny Saturday, how DO I own these emotions and move through it? I don't want to fuck this up and I definitely don't want to walk away. I really don't want to feel like this. it's so ugly. Not that I'm thinking bad thoughts about T, no no no, it's not that. I think she's awesome. I guess I just feel sad. It kinda hurts thinking about the girls watching a good film in bed and cuddling and then Em cooking a beautiful breakfast and and and. And I want it to be me.
And I don't want to be selfish!!!! This is the way it is. There are three of us and that's not going to change unless I run away which, as I said, I really don't want to do. Gah I don't know. I just know that I want the churning to go away. GO AWAY.
In other news, my hair is curly.
I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to do, what I have read and what they have told me to do when I finally began to feel like this. I am trying not to punish myself and just own the feelings. It's pretty hard though. I have always punished myself, for as long as I can remember. What are the scars on my wrist if not pinishment for something or other?
So I"m left wondering, on this beautiful sunny Saturday, how DO I own these emotions and move through it? I don't want to fuck this up and I definitely don't want to walk away. I really don't want to feel like this. it's so ugly. Not that I'm thinking bad thoughts about T, no no no, it's not that. I think she's awesome. I guess I just feel sad. It kinda hurts thinking about the girls watching a good film in bed and cuddling and then Em cooking a beautiful breakfast and and and. And I want it to be me.
And I don't want to be selfish!!!! This is the way it is. There are three of us and that's not going to change unless I run away which, as I said, I really don't want to do. Gah I don't know. I just know that I want the churning to go away. GO AWAY.
In other news, my hair is curly.