FAQ
In the spirit and tradition of pottersues's marvelous FAQ, I bring you a FAQ of my very own (although hers is still better). I'm really neither important nor high-traffic enough to merit a FAQ, but it's fun to pretend I am, so you're getting one anyway.
Q: Why did you spork my story?
A: It blows.
Q: NO IT DOESN'T!
A: Yes, it does.
Q: Oh, yeah? It's brought joy to thousands! Tens of thousands!
A: So has Burger King. Next?
Q: Your "Freudian Analysis" is completely inaccurate.
A: I hope that you didn't need to do research to realize that.
Q. You're always bitching about characters being OOC, but your versions aren't anything like canon.
A. Well, duh.
Q. Hypocrite.
A. Probably, but not about this. The characterization requirements for a fictional universe that needs to draw the reader in and convince him to suspend his disbelief are very different from those of a script-format parody where it would be a pity if anyone did suspend his disbelief. Or, put more succinctly: I'm going for cheap laughs. I don't have any artistic integrity.
Q. Oh, yeah?
A. Do you really have to ask?
Q. Well, deleterius's mission statement says that it's "a place full of snarky, bitter, jaded, and somewhat bored canon nazis who will not hesitate to tear you several new orifices should you have the audacity to rape their beloved canon and their beloved canon characters." Clearly, YOU take that very same stance, as well!
A. No, I don't. See above and below. (Psst: deleterius's comm info takes itself way too seriously in places.
Q. Then why do you post there?
A. For the same reason you write fanfiction: It's an instant audience. Sorry, my morals for things like sporking just aren't that highly developed.
Q. Tosser.
A. Ten points to your House.
Q. I see. So, do you have any fics that I can pass judgment on?
A. I won't answer that. No, not because of cowardice (doubtful that you'll believe me); also not for any reason as noble preventing wank (I love watching wank!). It's because whether I write myself, and whether I'm particularly any good at it, just shouldn't be the issue. Which is a stance I can't credibly maintain if I cave and answer. But look at it this way: If I do have fics out there, and they suck as much as you expect, somebody, somewhere, is probably sporking them.
Q. May I suggest something to be sporked?
A. Sure. However, I make no promises that I'll get around to it (I seem to find fics with no problem). ALSO: I'd like to mention that I differ from much of deleterius on one important count. Sporkings should be funny, I believe, not just ranty, and the fics that they feature should be giggle-inducing, not pain-inducing. DO NOT REC ME UNFUNNY FICS. A good guideline: When you read this fic, did it leave you dumbfounded in its sheer absurdity, or did it fill you with rage? If A, then, Oooh, shiny. If B, then keep it to yourself. Simple, no?
Q. You're just jealous.
A. Well, I've already directed you to the inimitable pottersues's FAQ, where she addresses this question, and many more, far more elegantly than I could. Sorry, there isn't much originality here. But basically, this answer boils down to "No."
Q. You're just getting off on making other people feel bad.
A. Not really. If I really wanted to get off on making other people feel bad, trust me, there are more efficient ways. Also, I didn't send you here. But now that you are here, why not just enjoy the sporkings? Some of them are funny, I'm told.
Q. If you're really just doing this for fun, why are you nasty about things?
A. Because gentle ribbing isn't funny. Sharp-tongued, dry wit is. Of course, you can argue about whether I actually have any.
Q. Can I send you hate mail?
A. Please do! I love hate mail. You can reach me at doclydgate@yahoo.com.
Q. Will it get posted somewhere special if I do?
A. No. I probably won't even read it. But "Please do!" seemed like the right line to toss out. See that, there? The lack of depth and the cheap pursuit of a cheap laugh? That's what I do.
Q. Look, let's skip all the anger and flames. I was just trying to write something other people could enjoy. My heart is bleeding here, raw and defenseless. Why did you hate my fic so?
A. I didn't hate your fic. I loved your fic. I definitely didn't love it for the reasons you intended, but if your sole mission was truly to bring enjoyment to your audience, consider it amply fulfilled. And I loved sporking it even more.
Q. Why can't you do something constructive, instead of destructive?
A. Personally, I think I've covered this, but just to be thorough: I am doing something constructive. Something important, world-changing, monumental? Of course not, although it would be really funny if I tried to claim that. But to quote pottersues, I do this "[b]ecause it makes people laugh. Seriously, that's the only reason."
Q. You whore.
A. I wish. It probably pays better.
Q: Why did you spork my story?
A: It blows.
Q: NO IT DOESN'T!
A: Yes, it does.
Q: Oh, yeah? It's brought joy to thousands! Tens of thousands!
A: So has Burger King. Next?
Q: Your "Freudian Analysis" is completely inaccurate.
A: I hope that you didn't need to do research to realize that.
Q. You're always bitching about characters being OOC, but your versions aren't anything like canon.
A. Well, duh.
Q. Hypocrite.
A. Probably, but not about this. The characterization requirements for a fictional universe that needs to draw the reader in and convince him to suspend his disbelief are very different from those of a script-format parody where it would be a pity if anyone did suspend his disbelief. Or, put more succinctly: I'm going for cheap laughs. I don't have any artistic integrity.
Q. Oh, yeah?
A. Do you really have to ask?
Q. Well, deleterius's mission statement says that it's "a place full of snarky, bitter, jaded, and somewhat bored canon nazis who will not hesitate to tear you several new orifices should you have the audacity to rape their beloved canon and their beloved canon characters." Clearly, YOU take that very same stance, as well!
A. No, I don't. See above and below. (Psst: deleterius's comm info takes itself way too seriously in places.
Q. Then why do you post there?
A. For the same reason you write fanfiction: It's an instant audience. Sorry, my morals for things like sporking just aren't that highly developed.
Q. Tosser.
A. Ten points to your House.
Q. I see. So, do you have any fics that I can pass judgment on?
A. I won't answer that. No, not because of cowardice (doubtful that you'll believe me); also not for any reason as noble preventing wank (I love watching wank!). It's because whether I write myself, and whether I'm particularly any good at it, just shouldn't be the issue. Which is a stance I can't credibly maintain if I cave and answer. But look at it this way: If I do have fics out there, and they suck as much as you expect, somebody, somewhere, is probably sporking them.
Q. May I suggest something to be sporked?
A. Sure. However, I make no promises that I'll get around to it (I seem to find fics with no problem). ALSO: I'd like to mention that I differ from much of deleterius on one important count. Sporkings should be funny, I believe, not just ranty, and the fics that they feature should be giggle-inducing, not pain-inducing. DO NOT REC ME UNFUNNY FICS. A good guideline: When you read this fic, did it leave you dumbfounded in its sheer absurdity, or did it fill you with rage? If A, then, Oooh, shiny. If B, then keep it to yourself. Simple, no?
Q. You're just jealous.
A. Well, I've already directed you to the inimitable pottersues's FAQ, where she addresses this question, and many more, far more elegantly than I could. Sorry, there isn't much originality here. But basically, this answer boils down to "No."
Q. You're just getting off on making other people feel bad.
A. Not really. If I really wanted to get off on making other people feel bad, trust me, there are more efficient ways. Also, I didn't send you here. But now that you are here, why not just enjoy the sporkings? Some of them are funny, I'm told.
Q. If you're really just doing this for fun, why are you nasty about things?
A. Because gentle ribbing isn't funny. Sharp-tongued, dry wit is. Of course, you can argue about whether I actually have any.
Q. Can I send you hate mail?
A. Please do! I love hate mail. You can reach me at doclydgate@yahoo.com.
Q. Will it get posted somewhere special if I do?
A. No. I probably won't even read it. But "Please do!" seemed like the right line to toss out. See that, there? The lack of depth and the cheap pursuit of a cheap laugh? That's what I do.
Q. Look, let's skip all the anger and flames. I was just trying to write something other people could enjoy. My heart is bleeding here, raw and defenseless. Why did you hate my fic so?
A. I didn't hate your fic. I loved your fic. I definitely didn't love it for the reasons you intended, but if your sole mission was truly to bring enjoyment to your audience, consider it amply fulfilled. And I loved sporking it even more.
Q. Why can't you do something constructive, instead of destructive?
A. Personally, I think I've covered this, but just to be thorough: I am doing something constructive. Something important, world-changing, monumental? Of course not, although it would be really funny if I tried to claim that. But to quote pottersues, I do this "[b]ecause it makes people laugh. Seriously, that's the only reason."
Q. You whore.
A. I wish. It probably pays better.