Writer's Block
There are so many points in your life that seem like they should mark something. I’m turning twenty in two days and what am I doing? I’m dropping out of college. Well, not dropping out completely, but transferring and giving up something that I thought I wanted my entire life. It’s because I don’t feel like I’m living for the sake of living, experiencing, being, and I don’t know if I ever have. I feel like I planned everything up to now, followed the right steps, but I’m just planning once again. My grandmother always says that about me. She laments it but praises it at the same time. I’ve always been planning so I have a secure future, but where did I get to have fun?
It’s not like I never got the chance to. I had my share of fun times, but all this planning is making me feel like I’ve always been two separate people. I’ve always been this hypocrite who is rigid and cold and reserved. I’ve always been calculating and in control. Then I’ve always been this person who wants to just roll with the punches, spontaneity dictates. I’ve always been a rule breaker, a visionary and a goodie-two-shoes, a person who respects rules and boundaries. I’ve always been a light switch, off and on.
I haven’t accomplished anything. Life shouldn’t be about accomplishing things.
It should be about the next word I put on the page, but I can’t put that word down. I haven’t been able to put down that word for months. I can’t find it. Everything I’ve tried is forced. I can’t escape into that word anymore. I can’t feel what I used to feel when I just put down words.
It’s not like I never got the chance to. I had my share of fun times, but all this planning is making me feel like I’ve always been two separate people. I’ve always been this hypocrite who is rigid and cold and reserved. I’ve always been calculating and in control. Then I’ve always been this person who wants to just roll with the punches, spontaneity dictates. I’ve always been a rule breaker, a visionary and a goodie-two-shoes, a person who respects rules and boundaries. I’ve always been a light switch, off and on.
I haven’t accomplished anything. Life shouldn’t be about accomplishing things.
It should be about the next word I put on the page, but I can’t put that word down. I haven’t been able to put down that word for months. I can’t find it. Everything I’ve tried is forced. I can’t escape into that word anymore. I can’t feel what I used to feel when I just put down words.