Misleading Intentions 3/?
Summary: Alex is new in to Jacks high school, but Jack knows more about Alex than the elder thinks.
Warnings: Uh, a trigger warning and i believe it gets heated at some point?
A/N: My original intention was to keep this on Wattpad, but i kind of liked it so i wanted it to go on LJ, it needs some serious editing and there is some triggers throughout the entire thing and a bit of possibly blow jobs? i don't know its been a while, this was my first Jalex (i have previously written phan) and i think i uploaded it to Wattpad earlier this year. Sorry for spelling errors, i will have to go back and check through it when i get a chance, but i have 3 exams coming up soon, so il do it in the holidays. This is chapter 2 out of 7 i think but i don't know if i ail be writing more on here or not. It had finished on Wattpad though. I could be doing more on LJ, keep an eye out.
The picture frame held my worst nightmare, two of my worst nightmares actually, I'm pretty sure Mum just wanted to do some form of comparison about how we had changed from my brothers death to now partnering with Jacks families business.
My brother a fucking touchy subject, and something i feel like i should share, my brother wasn't in good shape when i was younger and unfortunately chose to end his own life, it affected me really badly, more than anyone in the family had thought.
I started spiralling out of control, one things after another first of all it was the panic attacks and then it was the sleeping disorders, the sleepwalking, crying, screaming, the dreams, nightmares, anything to do with him would trigger a waterfall of tears and i would end up back at home and told i would be fine and everyone was grieving, i just had to be strong, i couldn't be, the next phase was the worst, i wasn't eating cause i was crying and i wasn't talking cause i was so upset, after that i hadn't eaten in so long, i felt like i didn't need food to survive, i needed my brother, so each morsel of food i pushed past my chapped pink lips after that ended up being purged up, i couldn't handle food anymore, and i wasn't losing any weight, after that, i started to blame myself for his death, knowing when things were bad and not telling anyone racked at my inner being everyday, sooner or later my outer being would have to face the consequences, my skin went from perfect and porcelain to scars and burns and scratches "it was the cat", "one of my mates burned me with a ciggy last night", all the excuses i had were all out, when i found Ollie, he knew what was going on and pulled me aside and told me everything was okay, kissed me and hugged me, got me back on the road to recovery, not for long anyway, i was in pure bliss being with him, but little did i know not only was he cheating, he was cheating on me with Sarah, i called her Satans Bitch, because she was, she contributed to the bullying i later had forced upon me after Ollie blurted that i i self harmed and he even went as far to say i tried killing my brother, which i was done with, i slipped back into my old habits, crying and not eating, purging when i was forced to shove food in my mouth, just to keep my parents happy for a while.
Eventually they found out something was wrong and thats how I'm here, writing this, telling you this in the current therapy session. There is so much more detail to it than that, but its plain and boring and the sob story of how every kid goes through a break up. I don't want to bore you with the shitty things. Anyway, to put it down to basics, Ollie hurt me and fucked me up, i fucked him up, he spent 3 months in hospital for what i did to him, i haven't seen him, since i saw him battered bloody body lying on the floor and i wasn't about it go through that again.
Thats when i moved away, well the whole family did, it was simply cause Dad had to relocate his business cause his sales were down cause everyone thought that his kid killed his own brother. Fucking stupid i know. Since my therapy sessions have kicked into overdrive i have gotten better at anger management, I'm not harming myself as much and i am not really eating a lot, but i have not been totally cutting out eating, i usually only have 2 meals a day, recess, crackers and water and after school snack, being whatever i see when i walk in sometimes if I'm really lucky, Mum had left me something before she left for work. Like brownies or something. Usually.
Anyway, back to Jack and our texts. He replied to my latest text with:
"Rian gave it to me, i hope thats okay, sorry if you didn't want me to have it, i was just worried because you were grabbing your stomach and looked in pain"
Yeah i was good at fooling people at least. and i wasn't offended that Rian gave Jack my number as i had said, i voluntarily gave people my number at the party, so now wasn't any different, but somehow it did, it was Jack and Jack was different, he was Jack. I typed out a reply:
"Nah, its all good, it don't mind, yeah, i was feeling a bit sick, but I'm okay now, thanks for the concern"
Hopefully that didn't come off as too rude, why was i even worried about this, i had no problem texting Rian or one of my other friends, but fuck it was Jack, i caught myself out saying that a lot recently, i knew how i felt about Jack and i knew that he was never going to find out how i felt until i knew how he felt first and by what he had done in the hallway at the end of lunch, i was convinced that friends was all we were ever going to be, i guess that would be okay, but i wouldn't be able to handle him bringing girls into Rian and my little friendship group, i just couldn't.
My phone buzzed, i sighed at the name 'Zack' Fuck i had forgotten to change the ID of the messenger, i quickly changed it to Jack <3 and regretted putting the <3 on the end, so i erased it went back to reading the text:
"Thats okay Alex, I care about you"
Fuck, why the fuck was he being like this, i guess he had no idea how i felt about him so he couldn't know that he was sending me mixed messages about how he felt, i took it as a friendly "i care about you" like i would say it to Rian, laced with that bro-ish accent indicating 'were mates, and i don't have any other feelings for you'' Fuck. Jack why, i was done with him for tonight, so i put my phone on charge under my pillow and decided that it would be good to have a shower, wash myself of the hatred/love i felt for that Jack motherfucking Barakat. I had to text back, i don't know why i did, i just had to. I said casually:
"Thanks Jack :)"
Showering i saw the razor blades that my Mum kept in the shower, i reached, my hand so fucking close to the blades, i ran my fingers along the top of the blade, seeing the small cuts produce crimson drops that got washed away in the scalding water, Fuck, i really was getting out of control, especially for an American kid who had moved 2 days ago and didn't know that i was cutting my scarred skin for his perfect smile, he never needed to know either.
I was done with the shower, i slipped on new boxers, a shirt and slipped into bed, my stomach growling for some food, i ignored the sensation, i was used to it by now, so it wasn't an issue, but you know what was? Jack Barakat, i can't get the way he fucking swayed his hips when he walked, how he fucking smiled when i talked, or how he smiled at Annabelle in the ELC corridors, i tried to stop thinking. Next thing i knew another buzz from under my pillow "i thought i dismissed Jack and my conversation, what does he want now" i muttered, the text read:
"i know what you did you fucking faggot, how fucking could you and now your with Barakat, your fucking worthless, and deserved to die instead of your brother"
Another one came through from the same number:
"i will find you and hunt you down if you ever touch Jack, i will fucking punch you, then you can finally join your brother, faggot, you cut your little heart out now"
I had no idea who this was, all i knew was that he was from Baltimore. He knew about the rumours and Ollie and how the fuck did he know about Jack. That means he's in one of our classes/goes to our school.
I sat there, eyes watering, mouth open, i didn't know what to say or how to say anything i was fucking numb, i sat there and everything i did after that, i deserved so badly, everything i did i knew was wrong but i couldn't stop myself i couldn't i was so angry, so hurt, so confused, my emotions running around like the endorphins i had from the blood that was running down my arms, my legs, the burning in my throat, feeling my fingers down it all the time, i couldn't stop i would stop, the cuts on my thighs, my arms, the burning of the lighter that was almost out, my tears spilled my over the edge, i fucking hated everything i fucking hated it all, "FUCKING HELL, WHY THE FUCK AM I ALIVE" i broke down crying, looking at the mess i had created, the blood was still dripping making me shudder and the coldness on my exposed skin made me wince, the shower was the only option now, even though i just had one, i got undressed and made the water scalding hot, i got under, i deserved the pain that i got from the water, i fucking desired everything i got then. i got out, carefully bandaged the cuts on my thighs, the deepest ones, i winced as cotton on my shirt caught the burned skin, fuck.
I went up to my room, threw my phone at the ground and wanted to fucking snap it in half, but i hesitated, knowing i had no money to buy a new one, i didn't delete the message, because fuck i had forgotten how much i loved the feeling of having cuts. Oh Shit no i cant start this again, not now.
I heard Mum and Dad at the door i reached over and looked at the alarm clock and it was 5:53, of course, almost time, i ran downstairs plastering the best grin i had on my face, my body aching for some sleep and my face cringing when my Mum hugged me she wrapped her arms around my red raw body, i pulled away she questioned me "Honey, whats wrong, did something happen" i fucking hated that sentence, i wasn't about to give up my secret to her, maybe if she thought i was getting better she would leave me alone, i said calmly because"Yeah, Ma, i just had a big day, the second day, still getting used to the classes and stuff, its all good Mum" and nodded. Good she bought it.
I just passed out after my head hit the pillow. I was really ready to die. School would now be a fucking hell hole and all because of Jack motherfucking Barakat. "FUCK" i heard myself scream.
Warnings: Uh, a trigger warning and i believe it gets heated at some point?
A/N: My original intention was to keep this on Wattpad, but i kind of liked it so i wanted it to go on LJ, it needs some serious editing and there is some triggers throughout the entire thing and a bit of possibly blow jobs? i don't know its been a while, this was my first Jalex (i have previously written phan) and i think i uploaded it to Wattpad earlier this year. Sorry for spelling errors, i will have to go back and check through it when i get a chance, but i have 3 exams coming up soon, so il do it in the holidays. This is chapter 2 out of 7 i think but i don't know if i ail be writing more on here or not. It had finished on Wattpad though. I could be doing more on LJ, keep an eye out.
The picture frame held my worst nightmare, two of my worst nightmares actually, I'm pretty sure Mum just wanted to do some form of comparison about how we had changed from my brothers death to now partnering with Jacks families business.
My brother a fucking touchy subject, and something i feel like i should share, my brother wasn't in good shape when i was younger and unfortunately chose to end his own life, it affected me really badly, more than anyone in the family had thought.
I started spiralling out of control, one things after another first of all it was the panic attacks and then it was the sleeping disorders, the sleepwalking, crying, screaming, the dreams, nightmares, anything to do with him would trigger a waterfall of tears and i would end up back at home and told i would be fine and everyone was grieving, i just had to be strong, i couldn't be, the next phase was the worst, i wasn't eating cause i was crying and i wasn't talking cause i was so upset, after that i hadn't eaten in so long, i felt like i didn't need food to survive, i needed my brother, so each morsel of food i pushed past my chapped pink lips after that ended up being purged up, i couldn't handle food anymore, and i wasn't losing any weight, after that, i started to blame myself for his death, knowing when things were bad and not telling anyone racked at my inner being everyday, sooner or later my outer being would have to face the consequences, my skin went from perfect and porcelain to scars and burns and scratches "it was the cat", "one of my mates burned me with a ciggy last night", all the excuses i had were all out, when i found Ollie, he knew what was going on and pulled me aside and told me everything was okay, kissed me and hugged me, got me back on the road to recovery, not for long anyway, i was in pure bliss being with him, but little did i know not only was he cheating, he was cheating on me with Sarah, i called her Satans Bitch, because she was, she contributed to the bullying i later had forced upon me after Ollie blurted that i i self harmed and he even went as far to say i tried killing my brother, which i was done with, i slipped back into my old habits, crying and not eating, purging when i was forced to shove food in my mouth, just to keep my parents happy for a while.
Eventually they found out something was wrong and thats how I'm here, writing this, telling you this in the current therapy session. There is so much more detail to it than that, but its plain and boring and the sob story of how every kid goes through a break up. I don't want to bore you with the shitty things. Anyway, to put it down to basics, Ollie hurt me and fucked me up, i fucked him up, he spent 3 months in hospital for what i did to him, i haven't seen him, since i saw him battered bloody body lying on the floor and i wasn't about it go through that again.
Thats when i moved away, well the whole family did, it was simply cause Dad had to relocate his business cause his sales were down cause everyone thought that his kid killed his own brother. Fucking stupid i know. Since my therapy sessions have kicked into overdrive i have gotten better at anger management, I'm not harming myself as much and i am not really eating a lot, but i have not been totally cutting out eating, i usually only have 2 meals a day, recess, crackers and water and after school snack, being whatever i see when i walk in sometimes if I'm really lucky, Mum had left me something before she left for work. Like brownies or something. Usually.
Anyway, back to Jack and our texts. He replied to my latest text with:
"Rian gave it to me, i hope thats okay, sorry if you didn't want me to have it, i was just worried because you were grabbing your stomach and looked in pain"
Yeah i was good at fooling people at least. and i wasn't offended that Rian gave Jack my number as i had said, i voluntarily gave people my number at the party, so now wasn't any different, but somehow it did, it was Jack and Jack was different, he was Jack. I typed out a reply:
"Nah, its all good, it don't mind, yeah, i was feeling a bit sick, but I'm okay now, thanks for the concern"
Hopefully that didn't come off as too rude, why was i even worried about this, i had no problem texting Rian or one of my other friends, but fuck it was Jack, i caught myself out saying that a lot recently, i knew how i felt about Jack and i knew that he was never going to find out how i felt until i knew how he felt first and by what he had done in the hallway at the end of lunch, i was convinced that friends was all we were ever going to be, i guess that would be okay, but i wouldn't be able to handle him bringing girls into Rian and my little friendship group, i just couldn't.
My phone buzzed, i sighed at the name 'Zack' Fuck i had forgotten to change the ID of the messenger, i quickly changed it to Jack <3 and regretted putting the <3 on the end, so i erased it went back to reading the text:
"Thats okay Alex, I care about you"
Fuck, why the fuck was he being like this, i guess he had no idea how i felt about him so he couldn't know that he was sending me mixed messages about how he felt, i took it as a friendly "i care about you" like i would say it to Rian, laced with that bro-ish accent indicating 'were mates, and i don't have any other feelings for you'' Fuck. Jack why, i was done with him for tonight, so i put my phone on charge under my pillow and decided that it would be good to have a shower, wash myself of the hatred/love i felt for that Jack motherfucking Barakat. I had to text back, i don't know why i did, i just had to. I said casually:
"Thanks Jack :)"
Showering i saw the razor blades that my Mum kept in the shower, i reached, my hand so fucking close to the blades, i ran my fingers along the top of the blade, seeing the small cuts produce crimson drops that got washed away in the scalding water, Fuck, i really was getting out of control, especially for an American kid who had moved 2 days ago and didn't know that i was cutting my scarred skin for his perfect smile, he never needed to know either.
I was done with the shower, i slipped on new boxers, a shirt and slipped into bed, my stomach growling for some food, i ignored the sensation, i was used to it by now, so it wasn't an issue, but you know what was? Jack Barakat, i can't get the way he fucking swayed his hips when he walked, how he fucking smiled when i talked, or how he smiled at Annabelle in the ELC corridors, i tried to stop thinking. Next thing i knew another buzz from under my pillow "i thought i dismissed Jack and my conversation, what does he want now" i muttered, the text read:
"i know what you did you fucking faggot, how fucking could you and now your with Barakat, your fucking worthless, and deserved to die instead of your brother"
Another one came through from the same number:
"i will find you and hunt you down if you ever touch Jack, i will fucking punch you, then you can finally join your brother, faggot, you cut your little heart out now"
I had no idea who this was, all i knew was that he was from Baltimore. He knew about the rumours and Ollie and how the fuck did he know about Jack. That means he's in one of our classes/goes to our school.
I sat there, eyes watering, mouth open, i didn't know what to say or how to say anything i was fucking numb, i sat there and everything i did after that, i deserved so badly, everything i did i knew was wrong but i couldn't stop myself i couldn't i was so angry, so hurt, so confused, my emotions running around like the endorphins i had from the blood that was running down my arms, my legs, the burning in my throat, feeling my fingers down it all the time, i couldn't stop i would stop, the cuts on my thighs, my arms, the burning of the lighter that was almost out, my tears spilled my over the edge, i fucking hated everything i fucking hated it all, "FUCKING HELL, WHY THE FUCK AM I ALIVE" i broke down crying, looking at the mess i had created, the blood was still dripping making me shudder and the coldness on my exposed skin made me wince, the shower was the only option now, even though i just had one, i got undressed and made the water scalding hot, i got under, i deserved the pain that i got from the water, i fucking desired everything i got then. i got out, carefully bandaged the cuts on my thighs, the deepest ones, i winced as cotton on my shirt caught the burned skin, fuck.
I went up to my room, threw my phone at the ground and wanted to fucking snap it in half, but i hesitated, knowing i had no money to buy a new one, i didn't delete the message, because fuck i had forgotten how much i loved the feeling of having cuts. Oh Shit no i cant start this again, not now.
I heard Mum and Dad at the door i reached over and looked at the alarm clock and it was 5:53, of course, almost time, i ran downstairs plastering the best grin i had on my face, my body aching for some sleep and my face cringing when my Mum hugged me she wrapped her arms around my red raw body, i pulled away she questioned me "Honey, whats wrong, did something happen" i fucking hated that sentence, i wasn't about to give up my secret to her, maybe if she thought i was getting better she would leave me alone, i said calmly because"Yeah, Ma, i just had a big day, the second day, still getting used to the classes and stuff, its all good Mum" and nodded. Good she bought it.
I just passed out after my head hit the pillow. I was really ready to die. School would now be a fucking hell hole and all because of Jack motherfucking Barakat. "FUCK" i heard myself scream.