Marriage.
Sometimes I think I should start a blog with one of "Frank's" writers block topics. something like, if I was a color, I'd be yellow. It's like one of those annoying surveys that we do on facebook, or livejournal. The kind that we copy/paste and then take out all of the old answers and answeI don't want to take responr them ourselves because even though we may find them annoying, we are vain enough to think that some reader out there in cyber space actually gives a shit.
There is so much on my mind right now. I could talk about Rupaul's drag race. Most of the season 4 girls are ugly as fuck. They make me miss Alexis Mateo. It's a welcome relief when this new commercial featuring the girls from season 3 come on.
I could talk about how Valentine's Day is coming up. Still everyone is talking about marriage. It's everywhere. I had a customer the other day ask me if I ever thought I'd get married to my partner and I said quickly, no. I got asked again by a coworker today. I had the same response. She then said that she didn't see me as the kind of guy to get married. What does that mean? Marriage for me, has always been a big deal. It's been something that I've wanted, with the right person. I'm not sure the person I am with is the right person. I love him most days, but I get resentful of the fact that I have to live here, and sometimes I think it's his fault because he was the one who made a suggestion which screwed up my former living arrangement. I completely understand that I am deflecting. I don't want to take responsibility for this shit. My partner seems happy for the most part that I am here. Somedays I'd rather be anywhere else. This week marks our 7 month anniversary. I have a feeling I am going to make it to that one year mark. Though I can't help but think this should still be the honeymoon phase, and I'd honestly rather jerk off then have sex with him. I don't find him sexy anymore. I think that's bad. I keep telling myself that it's because I hate this town. I pretend that I still think he's sexy and I will flirt with him, grab his crotch, and sometimes even go as far as giving him a handy, but when it comes to sex I am so disinterested. I've also accredited it to the fact that I had SO MUCH sex in college, that I'm just not into it. I don't know.
I think it was when he said after he burned his marriage license that if he ever got married again, he'd want it to be with me. One, that's not romantic. That's not a good way to propose, and truthfully, 8 months ago, 1 month more than we've been together, I was ready to run off to Ohio or have the last person I was in love with move here to be with me, because I really loved him, and because he said I was the only person who ever made him happy. I don't want to love like that again. It's dangerous, and not only that, it's incredibly toxic. Love is like an illness. It can consume you, and I just want to find a way to be me, and love me, and be loved and have it all come together, and it's kind of working. The thought of marriage makes me sick because I think about all that hubbaloo. It's not even cute.
Plus there is all this stuff with laws, and being like straight people. But that's on the back burner, and the fact is, I just don't want to marry him. I'm not saying never, just not right now, and not in the foreseeable future.
My 2nd best friend is getting married in 14 days. I haven't gotten an invite, which is good because I didn't want to go. At first I wanted to go, because I haven't seen her in so long, and I missed her. But she's getting married and she's leaving. She's moving out of state because her new husband is joining the army. There are two things that always bugged me about our friendship. The first part is that she always forgets about me, sometimes in little places and sometimes she forgets to ask for my address so she can send me an rsvp. But she never thought about me, or how I'd feel. She was always selfish. Never make someone a priority when they make you an option, right?
So she can go around saying I do's all she wants, and my partner can go around saying I would like too's and I want too's and I will's all he wants, and I'll just keep saying I don't. It suits me.