Facts and Feelings
Gentle Readers,
I just wanted to make a note of something that is often hard for me to remember. much_ado pointed to The Polyamorous Misanthrope who had an article called Feelings are not facts and it is from there I culled the thing I want to remember.
If you trust a feeling without digging for supporting facts, it will bite you. As Franklin Veaux wisely commented, “Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.” If you feel bad, the fact is that you feel bad. Doesn’t prove a thing.
Also from the source of the quote in the quote
If there’s just one thing that you think a poly person should grok and practice, what would that be?
“Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.”
Seriously. If there were one rule of life with even greater power for good than the Golden Rule, that’d be it.
In any relationship of any type, polyamorous or not, shit happens.
There will be times when folks feel threatened or insecure; there will be things that happen that make folks feel bad. One thing that tends to happen when someone feels threatened or insecure or otherwise experiences negative emotions is that it becomes easy to point to other people and say “You did this! You caused me to feel this way! You have wronged me!”
A lot of people in the poly community will say that feelings are always valid. I’m something of a heretic; I don’t believe that’s true. You feel what you feel, and trying to force yourself to feel something different doesn’t work…but that doesn’t mean that the feeling is “valid.”
What I mean by that is that sometimes, the things we feel aren’t telling us the truth. We may feel threatened by things that are not really a threat; we may feel unloved or unwanted when in reality we are loved and cherished. When you’re in the grip of some negative emotion, it can be very, very difficult indeed to tell yourself that the things you’re feeling aren’t necessarily based in fact, and you’re not necessarily feeling these things because someone has wronged you. But keeping those ideas in mind can help you to deal with the negative feelings in positive and constructive ways, and work toward resolving whatever is lying at their root, rather than lashing out that the people around you or trying to control their behavior to steer them around your own emotional triggers.
This is especially important when you know that those feelings can be chemically altered.
I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
The Postal Service - Nothing Better
I just wanted to make a note of something that is often hard for me to remember. much_ado pointed to The Polyamorous Misanthrope who had an article called Feelings are not facts and it is from there I culled the thing I want to remember.
If you trust a feeling without digging for supporting facts, it will bite you. As Franklin Veaux wisely commented, “Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.” If you feel bad, the fact is that you feel bad. Doesn’t prove a thing.
Also from the source of the quote in the quote
If there’s just one thing that you think a poly person should grok and practice, what would that be?
“Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.”
Seriously. If there were one rule of life with even greater power for good than the Golden Rule, that’d be it.
In any relationship of any type, polyamorous or not, shit happens.
There will be times when folks feel threatened or insecure; there will be things that happen that make folks feel bad. One thing that tends to happen when someone feels threatened or insecure or otherwise experiences negative emotions is that it becomes easy to point to other people and say “You did this! You caused me to feel this way! You have wronged me!”
A lot of people in the poly community will say that feelings are always valid. I’m something of a heretic; I don’t believe that’s true. You feel what you feel, and trying to force yourself to feel something different doesn’t work…but that doesn’t mean that the feeling is “valid.”
What I mean by that is that sometimes, the things we feel aren’t telling us the truth. We may feel threatened by things that are not really a threat; we may feel unloved or unwanted when in reality we are loved and cherished. When you’re in the grip of some negative emotion, it can be very, very difficult indeed to tell yourself that the things you’re feeling aren’t necessarily based in fact, and you’re not necessarily feeling these things because someone has wronged you. But keeping those ideas in mind can help you to deal with the negative feelings in positive and constructive ways, and work toward resolving whatever is lying at their root, rather than lashing out that the people around you or trying to control their behavior to steer them around your own emotional triggers.
This is especially important when you know that those feelings can be chemically altered.
I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
The Postal Service - Nothing Better