Why I say, "God bless Jon Stewart".
The following is a transcript of the rant that Jon Stewart went on during The Daily Show on Tuesday, September 30th. It is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and the reason why I say, "God bless Jon Stewart". (I will admit, I didn't know the name of one Senator and a couple of pundits. I'm a bad politico.)
Jon Stewart: The seven hundred billion dollar bailout bill - still dead! The world's credit markets - still constipated! The meltdown continues. Of course, I'm not talking about the economy - but John McCain's campaign. You - you - settle down! You may remember this.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ): Tomorrow morning, I'll suspend my campaign and return to Washington.
Jon Stewart: And will not resume until the economic crisis is solved! (pause) Funny story. In the twentieth hour of the twenty-two hours it took McCain to get back to Washington, this happened.
Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT): We've reached a fundamental agreement on a set of principles…
Female news anchor: The White House sees its rescue plan fall apart, and its own party members walking away.
Jon Stewart: Ohhhh DAMMIT! The House Republicans have suddenly walked away from the deal! And so McCain had no choice but to spend his entire weekend personally… saving… THE COUNTRY.
Sen. McCain: It's not my style to simply phone it in.
Jon Stewart: No one was saying it - it is your style, were they?
Voiceover: The McCain campaign allowed cameras to capture him working the phones.
Jon Stewart: In his defense, those calls were drunk dials. And THANK GOD HE MADE THEM!
Pundit: What Senator McCain was able to do was to help bring all of the parties to the table, including the House Republicans.
Senator: I think he's been extremely constructive dealing with the House Republicans.
Pundit: Thank God John came back.
Jon Stewart: Thank God he came back! Like Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans! HE WILL FIND US! And so, by Monday afternoon, Senator John McCain was ready to announce, "Mission Accomplished!", and season it with just a little dash of sarcasm.
Sen. McCain: Senator Obama took a VERY different approach to the crisis our country faced - at first, he didn't want to get involved, and THEN, he was "monitoring the situation". That's not leadership, that's watching from the sidelines!
Jon Stewart: Obama's such an a**hole, he makes me so MAD! So while Obama was doing jack-diddly-bullsquat, John McCain personally corralled the House Republicans to support the bailout. Check and mate! That's not country second - that's country FIRST!
Pundit: Those hundred and thirty-three House Republicans voting against it, that's what's killed, killed the bill.
Jon Stewart: Now I'm confused. If it was Senator McCain's leadership that supposedly got the House Republicans to vote for the bill, then is Senator McCain to blame for them voting the wrong way?
Sen. McCain: Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process. Now is not the time to fix the blame.
Jon Stewart: Now is not the time to fix the blame? You should mention that to your previous sentence! So why did the House Republicans walk away from a deal that they had supposedly accepted… (graphic saying "Kill Bill Volume 1" appears) Really? That's what got you? The "Kill Bill"? Really? "Kill Bill"? We worked all f**kin' day on the other stuff! So. House Republicans walk away from a bill that they supposedly accepted and that would supposedly save our country from financial ruin? Why?!
Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA): Right here is the reason why I believe, why this vote failed. And this is Speaker Pelosi's speech that, uh, frankly stuck the tone of partisanship that frankly was inappropriate in this discussion.
Congressman John Boehner (R-OH): We could've got there today, uh, had it not been for, uh, this partisan speech that the Speaker gave on the floor of the House!
Jon Stewart: We wanted to bail out the country, we did! But that salty talk - I thought I was in a saloon! Filled with scoundrels! What?! The House Republicans are the hardest ball-playin', take-no-prisoners, badass mofos in Washington! Pelosi must've thrown down some dag-nasty!
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): When President Bush took office, he inherited President Clinton's surpluses, four years in a row budget surpluses… And with his reckless economic policies, within two years, he had turned that around… For too long, this, this government, for eight years, has followed a right-wing ideology of anything goes, no supervision, no discipline, no, um, uh, regulation.
Jon Stewart: OH S**T! OHHH! OH YEAH! That sounded like… how you guys ALWAYS talk to each other! The Republicans have feigned outrage over hyper-partisan rhetoric they themselves perfected, so let's complete this bipartisan clusterf**kup with the daily double of the Democrats congratulating themselves for a JOB NOT DONE.
Congresswoman Pelosi: I wanted to acknowledge, uh, the, the, uh, especially the work of our Chairman, Barney Frank… the, um, Rahm Emanuel, who has been in and out of politics, and spent time in the markets, the Majority Leader, Mr. Hoyer, and our distinguished whip, uh, deserve a great deal of credit.
Jon Stewart: YOU FAILED! What is this, tee-ball?! Everybody gets a trophy? Isn't giving out easy credit what got us into this mess in the first place?! Jesus! Is anybody in charge here?! What about whatsisname, the Texas guy, belt-buckle head, run the country for the last eight years? How did he take the defeat?
President George W. Bush: I recognize this is a difficult vote for members of Congress. Many of them don't like the fact that our economy has reached this point, and I understand that.
Jon Stewart: The President of the United States, talking to Congress the same way you talk to your girlfriend when she's locked herself in the bathroom over something you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU SAID. This is your bill, Mr. President! The economy is in crisis! Go down to Congress and KICK SOME ASS!
President Bush: Congress is out today for the Jewish holiday.
Jon Stewart: Whatchu talkin' 'bout?! Congress is out, the President is impotent?! Folks… this is a rudderless ship! The pilot just ejected, and we're all still in the plane! It's Lord of the Flies down here! You know what? Somebody gimme the conch! Where's the - ah!
(Stewart turns to his left and picks up a large conch shell)
Jon Stewart: Alright, listen up everybody! I got the conch! Listen up! Listen up, Congress! Get the f**k back to work! For the Jewish holiday?! For God's sake, how many Jews are even in Congress?! Wall Street's open! I guarantee you they got more Jews on Wall Street than in Congress! I'M here! The Daily Show! The Daily Show's on! I guarantee you we got more Jews at The Daily Show than Congress! So get back to saving the economy! And if you have to do it without Feingold and Lieberman, SO BE IT. Hey, how 'bout this. The Congressional delegations from Florida and New York can sleep in. How 'bout that? I mean, seriously. Utah?! You're not comin' in for Rosh Hashanah? WYOMING?! My RABBI doesn't even have the balls to take two days off for Rosh Hashanah! For f**k's sake! And I really hope when you get back, you BUCKLE DOWN! 'Cause before you turn around, it'll be Boxing Day, and then Kwanzaa, and we'll never get anything done!