Staving off relapse
FRIDAY THE 13TH OMG
I've been meaning to update this journal in the past couple of weeks, but I just can't seem to get around doing so. Even typing this feels so difficult for me right now, and I have no clear idea why. I'm only taking time to do so right now because I can't sleep. Just way too many thoughts occupying my mind...ironically one of those thoughts was how to go about writing this entry, which (as usual) played out perfectly in my head but is struggling to make its way into actual action.
Perhaps that's just it. No matter how much I want to do something important, it always seems like there's some internal force trying to stop me from going through with it properly. And I'm caught in a vicious cycle: my inability to execute leading to feelings of guilt leading to inability to execute and so on.
All the free time in the world and I still can't get things done. I've been saying over and over how much I want/need to get started on art and music projects, yet I've produced very little if any results. I'm on a consistent exercise regimen, yet I feel like I should be able to push myself more. I need to get back to working at Sony again, but my mind freezes every time I think about picking up the phone. The NBA Finals finally has a matchup worth watching, yet I can't enjoy it due to other people ruining it for me.
Yeah, that last one seems a bit weird to include, but let's face it: I am not in control here. I should be, I want to be, but the results clearly show that I'm not, because if I was then I would've been taking care of things for the past few months instead of complaining about it at 5 in the morning. I don't know what it is or how to explain my situation, and that only adds to the problem.
So far the only important thing I've gotten done was getting that stupid, redundant StarGard thing off my car (I should only need one key for my vehicle, dammit) and fixing some customer info at the dealership, but even then those should have never been issues in the first place. I've also finally got around to buying a new mouse (which I'm using) and more RAM for the computer, but again it should've been done sooner, plus I have a whole slew of upgrades planned that I can't go through with yet until I move to a bigger place, which--due to certain family members being indecisive--I can't do until I can work again, which...well, you get the idea.
I'm sick of this slow, complacent life. I'm in dire need of something or someone to reignite my spark so I can be on my way to finally be doing things my way. Whether or not I really am helpless, I don't want to feel like I am anymore. 27 is the age when rock stars die, but it needs to be the age when I can finally live. As lucky as I can be considered regarding certain things, I deserve better from myself than this--and so does everyone else.
My birthday's coming up in a week. I might be doing some actual celebrating this time around, but the past couple of years would like to convince me otherwise. Summer used to be the season to look forward to every year, but it no longer feels that way. Some might say it's due to growing up, but in my case it's due to certain folks not wanting to see me do so...and they're not necessarily family either. Paraphrasing WB Yeats: quit stomping on my dreams, dammit.
I've always enjoyed being able to see the breaking of dawn, but ideally it would be right after a good night's sleep, not right before a miserable morning "rest". Someday, I suppose...
I've been meaning to update this journal in the past couple of weeks, but I just can't seem to get around doing so. Even typing this feels so difficult for me right now, and I have no clear idea why. I'm only taking time to do so right now because I can't sleep. Just way too many thoughts occupying my mind...ironically one of those thoughts was how to go about writing this entry, which (as usual) played out perfectly in my head but is struggling to make its way into actual action.
Perhaps that's just it. No matter how much I want to do something important, it always seems like there's some internal force trying to stop me from going through with it properly. And I'm caught in a vicious cycle: my inability to execute leading to feelings of guilt leading to inability to execute and so on.
All the free time in the world and I still can't get things done. I've been saying over and over how much I want/need to get started on art and music projects, yet I've produced very little if any results. I'm on a consistent exercise regimen, yet I feel like I should be able to push myself more. I need to get back to working at Sony again, but my mind freezes every time I think about picking up the phone. The NBA Finals finally has a matchup worth watching, yet I can't enjoy it due to other people ruining it for me.
Yeah, that last one seems a bit weird to include, but let's face it: I am not in control here. I should be, I want to be, but the results clearly show that I'm not, because if I was then I would've been taking care of things for the past few months instead of complaining about it at 5 in the morning. I don't know what it is or how to explain my situation, and that only adds to the problem.
So far the only important thing I've gotten done was getting that stupid, redundant StarGard thing off my car (I should only need one key for my vehicle, dammit) and fixing some customer info at the dealership, but even then those should have never been issues in the first place. I've also finally got around to buying a new mouse (which I'm using) and more RAM for the computer, but again it should've been done sooner, plus I have a whole slew of upgrades planned that I can't go through with yet until I move to a bigger place, which--due to certain family members being indecisive--I can't do until I can work again, which...well, you get the idea.
I'm sick of this slow, complacent life. I'm in dire need of something or someone to reignite my spark so I can be on my way to finally be doing things my way. Whether or not I really am helpless, I don't want to feel like I am anymore. 27 is the age when rock stars die, but it needs to be the age when I can finally live. As lucky as I can be considered regarding certain things, I deserve better from myself than this--and so does everyone else.
My birthday's coming up in a week. I might be doing some actual celebrating this time around, but the past couple of years would like to convince me otherwise. Summer used to be the season to look forward to every year, but it no longer feels that way. Some might say it's due to growing up, but in my case it's due to certain folks not wanting to see me do so...and they're not necessarily family either. Paraphrasing WB Yeats: quit stomping on my dreams, dammit.
I've always enjoyed being able to see the breaking of dawn, but ideally it would be right after a good night's sleep, not right before a miserable morning "rest". Someday, I suppose...