(no subject)
I went for a run yesterday. I never realized how fit I was in high school. Run felt good; will run again. In a circle. I'm not sure if I'm being metaphorical or not, but I really did go for a run yesterday, a real one. I haven't weighed myself since I stood on the immaculate scale at the mansion I housesat, but I'm sure I've gained significant pounds. It's almost as if twenty-five hit and my metabolism stopped. I will get back in shape. I can't allow myself to become portly until I've at least accumulated some money. Speaking of money, I'm tight on that right now. Not that it really matters. I'm probably going to head back to the valley for Thanksgiving and stay there for a couple months seeing as how my lease here will be up. During those couple of months I'll be making a decision on whether to move to Dallas or South Korea. They each have their benefits. Assuming South Korea is a productive experience, I will follow it up with grad school at UNT. Well, I won't say that much. That's so far ahead. Maybe I'll just stay in South Korea. While I'm there, I'll surely be exploring new options, so I won't limit my future by planting the grad school seed. If I do that, a flower will grow, a pretty flower, sure, but a flower that will sprout petals extending from a grad school bud. Those petals will only extend so far and they are contaminated. It's similar to an open-minded Christian. Respectful as they are to contrary beliefs and new ideas, all the information a Christian can take in must be taken in under the umbrella of Christian doctrine, thus limiting them from enjoying the idea storm. Because they're under an umbrella, see?
I'm aware of this because I can see it happening with South Korea. Getting a job there is a damn near shoe-in, and I've become so used to it as a "fallback plan" that it is surely, however subconsciously, altering my drive to get a worthwhile job here and now. I feel as though I'm trying, I really do. I mean I apply to so many jobs a week, but there must be some limitation. And as time passes, I become more comfortable with the idea of spending a year over there. Being so far away, I know it almost won't be worth it to come back during that year for a visit, but I'll have skype and all that. Really, look how quickly a year passes. And I'll save damn near ten thousand dollars (again, assuming it is a productive trip). Not to mention I'll have a full year of actual teaching experience. It will open up more doors, for sure.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a South Korea update, but it must be what's been driving my subconscious lately, so that's the way it's turned out, so I might as well milk it. That way I can focus on something else when I'm done updating. After this, I think I'll write a new entry in my baseball blog. There's another perk. Blogging. There aren't very many good blogs from South Korea English teachers. The ones that do exist are very bland. They're from people who go with their families and they talk about how nice it is to raise a family there and how nice the jobs are. It's all very propagandic. I could make a more useful blog about teaching and living in South Korea. I do plan on immersing myself fully into the culture if I go. From learning the language to shitting in the ground. You know, honestly, it would just be nice to spend some time in another country. South Korea really does seem like a lovely place. I've also always wanted to tour South East Asia and I can do that after my term is up before returning to the states. I'm really quite beginning to like the idea of going over there, in case you haven't noticed.
Really what would be keeping me here is the obvious attachment to family and friends, among other romantic and less practical notions. But when I break it down, outside of the close friends I have in Austin, I see my family about three times a year, and my friends in Dallas and the Valley about as often and when I see them, nothing is lost. I feel a year would do nothing to harm any of my significant relationships. It's interesting to think I'll be twenty-six when I come back. But that's just how long I've been alive. It's just a number. There's no real weight to that. I have friends aging twenty through, you know, much older.
It's becoming clear now that my time in Austin is coming to an end, for now. It's been a good year and a half. I love this city, and will probably live here again at some point. Since graduating college, I lived in the valley for a little over a year, Austin for a little over a year, and now I'm thinking of living in Korea for a little over a year. I can look at the time I spent in Austin in a multitude of ways. I didn't come here to accomplish anything other than just take what comes my way and take advantage of my time. I could sign another lease here, go back to my second job and continue on, but I felt like I was becoming complacent. Since I quit Dominos, it's been much better. I wrote more in the time I lived in Austin than in any other year. I've discovered my voice, and I've never had more fun writing. Whether or not I publish is really of no consequence, so long as I can share what I love to do with my family and friends. For a short while there I was becoming nervous about publishing, and it was something I really wanted to do to the point of spitting out manufactured stories to OME, and that's not for me. I read back on what I posted there and it's good, but it's not the path of heart, as Don Juan would say.
I'm happy to know the things that I know and to learn the things that I don't know. I'm happy to grab a coffee with a friend and share the air. I'm happy to have grown to the point that I can enjoy a hug and a kiss and a smile and conversation in ways I never have before. In this moment I have no anxiety, and though I know there will be moments in the future when I am anxious, right now the sun is casting shadows from the building across the street but the shadows have not yet reached the trees, making them shine the way a person's eyes shine when they first look outside each day and I'm reminded of the people who love me in my most honest moments.
I'm aware of this because I can see it happening with South Korea. Getting a job there is a damn near shoe-in, and I've become so used to it as a "fallback plan" that it is surely, however subconsciously, altering my drive to get a worthwhile job here and now. I feel as though I'm trying, I really do. I mean I apply to so many jobs a week, but there must be some limitation. And as time passes, I become more comfortable with the idea of spending a year over there. Being so far away, I know it almost won't be worth it to come back during that year for a visit, but I'll have skype and all that. Really, look how quickly a year passes. And I'll save damn near ten thousand dollars (again, assuming it is a productive trip). Not to mention I'll have a full year of actual teaching experience. It will open up more doors, for sure.
Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a South Korea update, but it must be what's been driving my subconscious lately, so that's the way it's turned out, so I might as well milk it. That way I can focus on something else when I'm done updating. After this, I think I'll write a new entry in my baseball blog. There's another perk. Blogging. There aren't very many good blogs from South Korea English teachers. The ones that do exist are very bland. They're from people who go with their families and they talk about how nice it is to raise a family there and how nice the jobs are. It's all very propagandic. I could make a more useful blog about teaching and living in South Korea. I do plan on immersing myself fully into the culture if I go. From learning the language to shitting in the ground. You know, honestly, it would just be nice to spend some time in another country. South Korea really does seem like a lovely place. I've also always wanted to tour South East Asia and I can do that after my term is up before returning to the states. I'm really quite beginning to like the idea of going over there, in case you haven't noticed.
Really what would be keeping me here is the obvious attachment to family and friends, among other romantic and less practical notions. But when I break it down, outside of the close friends I have in Austin, I see my family about three times a year, and my friends in Dallas and the Valley about as often and when I see them, nothing is lost. I feel a year would do nothing to harm any of my significant relationships. It's interesting to think I'll be twenty-six when I come back. But that's just how long I've been alive. It's just a number. There's no real weight to that. I have friends aging twenty through, you know, much older.
It's becoming clear now that my time in Austin is coming to an end, for now. It's been a good year and a half. I love this city, and will probably live here again at some point. Since graduating college, I lived in the valley for a little over a year, Austin for a little over a year, and now I'm thinking of living in Korea for a little over a year. I can look at the time I spent in Austin in a multitude of ways. I didn't come here to accomplish anything other than just take what comes my way and take advantage of my time. I could sign another lease here, go back to my second job and continue on, but I felt like I was becoming complacent. Since I quit Dominos, it's been much better. I wrote more in the time I lived in Austin than in any other year. I've discovered my voice, and I've never had more fun writing. Whether or not I publish is really of no consequence, so long as I can share what I love to do with my family and friends. For a short while there I was becoming nervous about publishing, and it was something I really wanted to do to the point of spitting out manufactured stories to OME, and that's not for me. I read back on what I posted there and it's good, but it's not the path of heart, as Don Juan would say.
I'm happy to know the things that I know and to learn the things that I don't know. I'm happy to grab a coffee with a friend and share the air. I'm happy to have grown to the point that I can enjoy a hug and a kiss and a smile and conversation in ways I never have before. In this moment I have no anxiety, and though I know there will be moments in the future when I am anxious, right now the sun is casting shadows from the building across the street but the shadows have not yet reached the trees, making them shine the way a person's eyes shine when they first look outside each day and I'm reminded of the people who love me in my most honest moments.